Wednesday, April 07, 2010

A Recipe

*don't worry, this isn't going to turn into a cooking show.

Kebabs with Eggplant and Chips (if you can think of a catchier title, let me know).


500g rump steak (for 4 people @ 2 kebabs per person; if there are fewer of you use less meat, it's not rocket science.)
Marinade - I use 2 tbsp soy sauce, 2 tbsp mirin, 2 tbsp oil (just, you know, whatever random oil comes to hand, but there isn't usually oil in marinades so maybe you could leave that out) and a splash of fish sauce (just a wee splash!) BUT the supermarket is stuffed full of ready-mades which are good.
An Eggplant
Olive oil
Potatoes - they're going to turn into chips, so once again you can buy readymade here.

Chop the fat off the steak and chop it into chunks about the size of, um... about the size of four of the individual squares from a Rubik's cube. About the size of a decent square of Russian fudge. (Oh, yeah, you're also going to need kebab sticks - they are skewers about 10 inches long (ask your husband) and, if you're using the wooden ones, you'll need to soak them in water ahead of time or they'll catch on fire in the oven and embarrass everyone. Soak them about the same time you get the meat marinating.)

Tip the meat-cubes into a bowl and add your marinade. As far ahead as possible is good (but, you know, within the same week).

Chop the potatoes into chip/wedge shapes (not hard) and slather in oil and your spices of choice (thyme and oregano is nice, as is that pre-mixed cajun spice, or maybe just some salt, whatever). Lots of oil. Oil those suckers like it's Ancient Rome. Chips in the oven. (Oven on 180 C, bake.) I can't remember how long these take but check them in 15 mins and, if browning, whip them about with a spatula or something similar. (If you bought them, read the fucking packet.)

Stick the meat-chunks on the skewers and put these under the grill (the chips are totally OK with this, by the way.) They take about 5-7 minutes on one side, then turn them over and give them another 3 mins. If they start looking shrivelled it is Too Long.

Chop the eggplant into rounds. If you're feeling ostentatious salt the eggplant but it's probably fine not to. (Salting the eggplant: cutting it into rounds, sprinkling salt on, leaving for 20 mins til it 'sweats', rinsing and patting dry. Mine was not salted and it was just fine well, no, it was gross, but salting wouldn't have helped.) Heat up a frying pan with some olive oil (if you don't have olive oil, that's pretty amateur regular oil will be fine. (But seriously, you should have olive oil by now, you are a grown-up.)) NOT TOO MUCH OIL. We are not in Rome now and eggplant is a very thirsty vegetable and it will go all gluggy and gross (guess what happened to mine.)

Fry the eggplant for about 5 minutes on each side, over a relatively low heat. Take the eggplant out and blot it on some paper towels because there was still too much oil. Look at the eggplant skeptically. Taste the eggplant, then throw that shit out because it is disgusting. (Just kidding, feed it to your family.)

Oh no! You spent too long fucking around with the eggplant and have forgotten the kebabs! They are shrivelled, oh fuck. At least the chips are OK oh no wait they're all stuck to the bottom of the oven tray and that is why my family is having pizza for dinner tonight.


Vanilla said...

I reckon you should crack on to Moussaka now.

Also from your writing style and reading between the lines, Im assuming that vast quantities of wine is cosummed while this attempt at culinary excellence is performed.

a bit of advice, beware the naked flame, the naked flame knows no boundaries.

chris.dadness said...

"*don't worry, this isn't going to turn into a cooking show" = why the hell not? That was great. I say we get together a posse and run eggplant out of town. Its so big and black and shiny and badass-looking then it takes forever to cut up and fry enough for an actual meal, and it always the least nice thing on the plate. I say - give it up, eggplant.

Vancouver's Enviro Girl said...

OK, I think I may have earned you two new followers since I posted on my blog how funny and hilarious you are. The hippo post sealed it for me.