Wednesday, May 26, 2010

The Beard Test

So I thought I had a crush on someone, but then I did the Beard Test and it turns out that actually I just have a crush on their face and not on their personality.

The Beard Test is shallow, but it works:
If the object of your affection has a beard, ask yourself if you would feel the same way about them if they shaved it off. If they don't have a beard, ask yourself if you would still fancy them if they grew one. (Not talking designer stubble, either - proper beard.)

This gentleman has completely missed the point.

If the answer is no, it is just lust and you don't have to worry too much, especially if the idea of them with a beard has completely put you off ever attempting to seduce them. If the answer is yes, you are in trouble love. There is a 5% margin of error because a tiny section of the population look good shaggy and unshaggy in which case it is still probably lust, but in general the Beard Test is a pretty good indicator. If you're not sure, try to determine whether the warm feelings are coming from your heart, or from other places.

In terms of overall importance in life, creating the Beard Test far outranks anything I did at work today. You're welcome.

(Gentlemen: so far there is no lady equivalent of the beard test. I'm sure you're all snorting into your pint glasses at that statement but if you have any suggestions, do let me know. I am highly into gender equality.)

13 comments:

Phil said...

I use the reverse gender test.
(Only works for breeders, sorry Gay community)

I arksk moiself: If the object of my interest were of the same sex as me, yet with the same personality they have now, would I want to be friends with them?

Holly said...

When I read the title of this post, I honestly though the beard test was...something completely different. I don't know whether I'm disappointed or happy that it isn't!

IT IS ALLY said...

Ooh, that's good. But sometimes it leads into a spiral of "WE'RE ALREADY FRIENDS AND THAT'S ALL WE'LL EVER BE" sob, sob, drink.

I guess the gay community (I'm not 100% sure we still capitalise it in this day and age) could ask the tried and true, 'Would I approve of my best friend dating this person?' But it's not as exciting.

IT IS ALLY said...

Holly - What did you think it was?

apple cheeked, potato shaped girl said...

I wish I had not read these comments because I know my friends don't aprove of current lusting and I wouldn't either if I were them.

Damn you!!!!!

Never mind I'll it (him) anyway, They just don't know him like I do.....;-)

otherworldlyone said...

Brilliant. This could be a reality tv show.

Jess Butler said...

I think perhaps it would be very profitable for you to create a computer program which would superimpose a beard on a picture of the potential crush- you know, to avoid all that difficult "imagining". Technology has made us lazy.

Surprisingly Bright said...

Okay, so this post kinda freaks me out. It's like you're in my head or something! My newly found beau just shaved his beard and I am still considering a break up. Damn it! Where were you're words of wisdom 3 months ago when I needed this technique???

*uncorked said...

Hilarious. I love the beard test. I would think guys would want the "extra 50 lbs" test for women. Those, I-let-myself-go-because-you-married-me pounds. I wouldn't know anything about them, but I've seen friends.

Helga! said...

Most interesting.I like G with OR without the beard.Bother.
Uncorked is onto it re the womens version,I think.

Helga! said...

o,I keep meaning to ask-why do you think there is a picture of a person in a wheelchair next to the word verification thingy??Are you wheelchair friendly??Or,are people in wheelcahirs not to comment??

IT IS ALLY said...

Kat - Don't worry, no-one ever approves of my lusting either. I won't judge you if you don't judge me.

ow1 - Beard or No Beard?

Jess - IPHONE APP OMG

SBright - Tough call! Can you talk him into growing it back?

V - Yes! That is probably a pretty good equivalent.

Helga! - See, you are in Love Trouble! I have never noticed the wheelchair thing. Hmmm. Let's say I'm wheelchair friendly for now.

a cat of impossible colour said...

Maybe for the women's version you could imagine little underarm beards?