Does anyone else find that babies make for awkward social situations? I find it very hard to gush over a baby*. I'm sure that, like with dreams, if it's your baby it's great, and if by some ass-backwards set of circumstances I end up having a baby (ass-backwards probably wasn't the best term to use there) then I'm sure it will be the Best Baby In The World (Ever), and I will make you all look at it until your eyes bleed from its sheer awesomeness. And I like the babies of friends and family because you sort of have to. But when someone brings their baby in to work I usually find an excuse to leave the room.
*"But they're so cuuuute!" you will be saying. No, they aren't. They are wrinkled and out of proportion. Like your grandpare- oh, you think old people are cute too? Get out of my blog. (But not really because I get upset when my readership drops and wonder what I am doing wrong and the answer is "blogging about not liking babies.")
Babies in a social setting make me uncomfortable, like being at a party where everyone else works for the same company and talks about that company all night, and you are left feeling awkward because you don't work for that company and just don't get it. Like being the sole non-podiatrist at a podiatrist's convention (I'm not sure how that situation would come up), and listening to everyone go on and on and on about something that you completely fail to see the appeal of. That is exactly how I am about people bringing babies into work because within 0.2 seconds everyone is crowding round the pram shouting about how nice it smells and how perfect its little fingers are, and I am hovering at the back looking politely enthusiastic and thinking, who invited this baby? It is too small to refresh my drink and too squirmy to set my drink upon and it hasn't said anything witty all evening.
And I don't know what to say when someone presents me with their new baby. "Well done. This is a good baby you've made," seems a bit formal, and "I can't believe this came out of you" seems a bit informal, especially if you don't know the person well. I tend to say, "Congratulations! S/he's beautiful," except mumble the s/he's bit really fast and quite quietly because when someone told you the baby's gender you were not listening and don't want to take a guess even though there is a 50/50 chance you'll be right, because apparently thinking someone's little girl is a little boy is a mortal sin (why did you bloody well dress it in blue, then?) even though at this point the baby resembles nothing so much as a monkey, or perhaps Winston Churchill's sex face.
And then, when you have made an awkward statement of how nice the baby is, the proud mother says, "Do you want to hold it?" and freak the fuck out and go "Oh my God, no! I will break it!" - but wait no you don't, that's rude. You back away awkwardly and say that you think Angela would like a go. And she does. Because everyone else in the room has got sudden Bieber-fever for this baby and you are the only person standing there thinking wildly, "Why are all these women so clucky? Should I be clucky? Are they all just faking babyfever better than I am?" And then the men get into it and shit gets weird and I pretend to have an appointment somewhere else.
I AM BAD WITH BABIES!
IT WAS A TERRIBLE SECRET
BUT IT IS OUT NOW!