Wednesday, May 19, 2010


Today I realised that I always carry my handbag and shoulderbag on my right shoulder, and I always carry my trumpet case in my right hand, and OH MY GOD am I going to become lopsided? I worry about the stupidest things.

I googled 'lopsided' to maybe find a nice photo and the first ten photos went: dogs, tara reid's boobs, tara reid's boobs, lopsided erection, lady in sexy pose, bad cartoon, tara reid's boobs, tara reid's boobs, jessica simpson's boobs, paris hilton. Thanks internet, I think I'll take the dogs.

Look, one is bigger than the other. Are we feeling enriched? No.

So I was feeling uninspired and googled "things to blog about" and found this, which made me throw up in my mouth a bit was very useful. The dude is the president of a social media agency or something like that, and he made 100 suggestions for blog posts which are pretty good if you enjoy being pretentious. Here are the 9 of them that caught my eye but there were some pretty good ones I left out, like "Making Marketplaces for Media Makers," which would be pretty rad for if Dr. Seuss had a blog. Other suggested topics include "News- Is it Useful and How I Might Fix It," and "Branding Strategies I Use" (always rope your cattle har har) and "Serving the Deep Niches- How I Do It."

Tee hee.

Non-Internet Equivalents to Internet Tools I Use

The non-internet equivalent of blogging is pretty much shouting at a whole lot of people at once and none of them are allowed to interrupt. And they are allowed to leave... but some of them follow you. Around. Wherever you go. Waiting for you to turn around and shout at them again. Blogging just got really weird for me right then. But it would be pretty awesome if you could get all your followers in one place at one time, and they just... followed you.
And I guess the non-internet equivalent of Twitter is running into a room and shouting, "I just saw a car with the numberplate DUM455!!!" and then running out again. And then running back in five minutes later to tell everyone about your sore toe. And then running back again five minutes later to express your thoughts on last night's episode of Americal Idol.

How I Use Facebook

To stalk people I am romantically interested in and/or went to primary school with. Also to see if people I dislike have gotten fat, and make sure my ex's new girlfriend is an complete troll or, at the very least, unable to use the right 'their' in her status updates which, incidentally, are far less interesting than mine. I mean, really. What does he even see in her? I hate Faceb- oh I wonder what that cute bartender is up to? I wonder if he's put up any new photos? (Disclaimer: I actually hardly ever use Facebook. But I imagine that's what it would be like.)

Presentation Skills for a New Conversation

Wear clothes. Did this guy honestly think a whole post could be squoze* out of that one topic? Maybe his posts are shorter than mine. This is pretty long. Sorry.

*If this word is unfamiliar that's because it's not really a word; for a while I thought I made it up but actually it's been around for a while, like the time I thought I was going to become rich and famous by inventing the reverse microwave. It is the past tense of 'squeeze'. The reverse microwave is a freezer.

Does a Big Brand Need You?

Probably not, if we're being honest.

Should My Town Use Social Media?

I don't even know which angle to approach this remarkable question from.

After the Event- Carrying the Conversation Forward

I hope he is talking about making small talk in the aftermath of a one-night stand, because there really needs to be some kind of manual for that. Dressing silently in the dark and sneaking out of an unfamiliar house at 5.30am is... unideal.

How Women Use Social Media

Just fine, but they still can't drive! Har har. Although true in my case. I am becoming known around the building as 'the chick in advertising who can't back for shit.' In Appendix A there is a diagram of the parking building.

Letting Go

I'll never do it, Jack.

Appendix A: The Parking Building

It's underground, so the Out Hole is a ramp. When I go out to see clients I can take any of these cars - but you just take a key off the hook. You don't always get to choose. And getting into and out of some of those parks is like playing ReverseMaster Pro! which is a really shitty XBox game set in this very carpark.
The green cars are the ones which are easy to remove from the carpark; the yellow ones are the ones which are 5-minute, 50-point turn jobs, and the red ones are "OH MY GOD I have to take the car in Park 9 oh my God." (Not shown: the two cars that are parked outside the building above ground. Getting one of these is like winning the fucking lottery.)
Park 9 is the one behind the wall, by the pole (oh by the way, that line in the middle is a wall) and last time I took the car in park 9 it took me 15 minutes to get out the out hole and I nearly took the wing mirror off about 5 times. Fuck you, Park 9.


otherworldlyone said...

I actually read through the majority of that list. Even when my eyes started crossing.

"Serving the Deep Niches- How I Do It." - I really, really want somebody to write a guest post for me with this title.

You left out:
"47 When I Feel Frustrated" -

Someone needs to tell that guy that this is a one word blog post: Masturbate.

I loved this post.

Jackie said...

I couldn't read most of that list. I think I got through the first 5 or so before I realized how much of a douche this guy is and went back to reading your wonderful blog.

Could they make the parking in that building any more complicated? Throw a few more poles in weird places? Make you answer 3 riddles from a sphinx before you're allowed to exit?

Vancouver's Enviro Girl said...

Now I need ANOTHER iPhone because I spat coffee all over mine in laughter after reading the whole twitter/blog follower thing. Seriously funny. Keep up the good work!

Lola Lakely said...

Your commentary on his idiocy wins at life. I am torn between disgust and morbid fascination with his "Ways I Embrace My Audience" and "Your Ideas And My Ideas- How We Play Together"

Maybe you should ask him to guest post?

Veronica said...

LMAO I got such a great mental image when you were describing live twittering! That was awesome and my giggle for the day!

Candice said...

Damn, gotta use that site the next time I get writer's block. And how are those dogs lopsided?

Anonymous said...

That IS how using Facebook is like.

apple cheeked, potato shaped girl said...

I love it when you make diagrams

piglet said...

I'm really glad my picked the lopsided dogs! (And I may have worried about that same problem before too)

Owen said...

ah yes, the "reverse microwave is a freezer". I remember this conversation.
Very proud of your petrol-based accomplishments too, dear x