Friday, May 07, 2010

Puttin' the 'HO' in

Sorry this post is so starful (not a misspelling of awful). You'll see what I mean as you go along.

I am at my hotel!* It is pretty good even though one of the lights does not work and the kid on reception, who is quite pleasant despite his rather indie mustache (which I am sure many hours and testosterone-filled thoughts have gone into growing), was unable to help.

*Hotel not actually owned by me. I wish I did own a hotel, though, that would be awesome. I would call it, HOTEL RHINO FIGHT

The hotel is not as cool as the plane was, though. I love flying. My favourite part is right before takeoff, when the plane taxis* onto the runway, lines itself neatly up, and then stops for a second before the pilot floors it, or whatever it's called when you floor it in a plane. (If anyone actually knows if there's a term for that, I would quite like to know it.)

*there is something wrong with this 'plane taxis' business

The flight was also good because it wasn't full and I had no-one sitting beside me - I like to maximise my chances of sole possession of the row by booking late and picking a window seat at the back of the plane because that is always the bit that gets booked out last (except, apparently, by me). Maybe people are worried about being sucked out the back if the fuselage falls off? Was going to ask the flight attendant but she was already looking at me weirdly* and I didn't want to be pegged as a nutter and not get any sweets.

*I was plucking my eyebrows because they needed doing and what else do you do on a plane when there is no-one else in your row? I was being practical and utilising my time innovatively but apparently not everyone is as practical and innovative as I.

This is my thought process when I get on a plane.

"Please let there not be anyone sitting beside me -
- and if there has to be someone sitting beside me can they be attractive-
- and if not attractive, at least not chatty -
- and I guess if they have to be chatty that's ok but please can they not be too fat." Usually it works fairly well.

And when we came in for landing I was reading a magazine and thought we were still gently descending like a feather, not touching down, and I went, "Ooh!" which further inspired the suspicions of the flight attendants. By the way, sitting at the back of the plane is also good because you hear the stewardesses chattering away in their normal voices "- and then Harvey* got this awful gastro bug and was throwing up every hour, on the hour-" and then they pop their heads round and say in syrupy, Disney-princess tones, "Tea or coffee?"

*son of flight attendant

When we came into land, dude was standing on the runway waving Glo-Sticks about - this is not significant except it reminded me that when I ended my brief stint dating an air traffic controller Dad said something along the lines of, "Good - you can do better than idiot waving paddles about." Sometimes I think the smartest part of my Dad is his ass. And then I went out with a drummer anyway - from paddles to sticks. Hmmm.

Anyway hotel internet (hotelernet) is not cheap and neither was this vodka which is not going to drink itself! I hope you all have lovely weekends.


uglygirl said...

Once i flew to New York and on the long leg between Melbourne and LAX (don't you love their airport name? Always makes me think of laxatives and constipated Californians) I was sitting between two very fat men, whose respective bellies overflowed over the arm rests and into my seat space. They both slept and snored for most of the flight and I had to climb over them to get to the toilet.

otherworldlyone said...

I love almost everything about flying. The whole process. Checking in, picking up my luggage from the carousel. I like to walk with purpose so people think I'm important. Though my rumpled attire doesn't really help with that.

I only got a row to myself once. It was heaven.

Hexen und Schnecken said...

Er - please imagine this being said very softly and as inoffensively as humanly possible, I know you weren't really asking - but you might find there's indeed something wrong with "plane taxis". I think it should probably be "taxies".

Love your posts, only wish there were more of them and that you'd tell us a bit more about your new job.

WV: cringl - rather appropriate for how I feel

Da said...

another cringl ... I know it'll be funny, but I really can't get 'Rhino Fight'... I'm gonna puzzle all day over this, and then when you tell I'm gonna wish I hadn't.

Da said...

another cringl ... I know it'll be funny, but I really can't get 'Rhino Fight'... I'm gonna puzzle all day over this, and then when you tell I'm gonna wish I hadn't.

*uncorked said...

I try and get as close to the front of hte plane as I can because I HATE waiting for everyone else to get off the plane. Drives me crazy. I have also plucked my eyebrows on a plane before. Though I did have someone next to me, I just didn't care. Happy travels.