Sunday, May 30, 2010


Life is full of questions. What is in the fridge? Is there anything on TV? Where is the cord that connects the camera to the laptop? Why do I drink so much? Why does this recipe call for four and a half live lobsters? How do you get half a live lobster? Am I going mad? Is this love, or indigestion? Is bacon that fell on the floor still safe to eat?

Why, when I live in the city, is there a chicken in the garden?

Why is this chicken in my garden?

The chicken arrived a couple of days ago. No-one knows where he came from, but he is roosting underneath the BBQ. Kate, who is much more kindly disposed towards Nay'cha than the rest of us, has named him Tenders and made a pet of him.

"He comes when you call him," she said.
"How do you call him?"
"Puuuk, puk puk puk puk puk puk. And he comes over all, "puk puk puk!!" And then you say, "Tenders, I have some bread for you!" And he eats it. "Puk puk puk." He's a great chicken." Kate has even established which kind of bread is Tenders' favourite (seedy, not white), and keeps looking out the window and saying things like, "Oh, he looks bored. I think he's bored." He is a CHICKEN I'm pretty sure he'll be fine.

Mum is trying to find a friend to give Tenders to, because while he's in residence Charlie can't go outside because that would be the bloody end of Tenders, and Mum says you're not allowed to put chicken bodies in the rubbish. Stupid rule.

Face of a vicious killer.

I suggested that Charlie would love the chance to chase Tenders around the garden and that, if Tenders had flown in (because where the fuck else would he have come from, even though the fence is higher than my head) it might be the impetus he needed to fly back out again, thus neatly removing the chicken issue. Mum said no.

Also Tenders is actually a girl chicken, but seems much more like a boy chicken. Tenders is a chicken transvestite.

So. If anyone lives in Christchurch and wants a FREE TRANSVESTITE CHICKEN, comes to "puk puk puk," likes seedy bread, probably about a supermarket size 10, please let me know ASAP because Charlie wants to go outside, and he can't, and he is sad.

Fuck you, Tenders.


Holly said...

Hahah! That's extremely weird. But also kind of cool. Tenders looks happy. I think he likes your garden.

We used to have a chicken in our garden too! We thought it was a rooster at first, because it would crow every morning at 6am. But then it started laying eggs. And continued crowing. It was strange.

I hope you can find a more suitable home for Tenders. Oh! Also! Good luck actually catching him, chickens are difficult to catch. I recommend a big net. Also possibly the assistance of a bird rescue group of some kind. Mum got one to help her when there were some stray chickens in the Halswell Quarry, they don't mind coming to your house and getting them apparently. Might be worth a try if your mum can't find someone else who wants to adopt him. :)

apple cheeked, potato shaped girl said...

Dogs belong outside..let nature take its course

a cat of impossible colour said...

Aw, I would totally have him if we weren't moving! I love chickens. (Not just to eat).

otherworldlyone said...

This is hilarious.

I have to hand it to Kate. Tenders is an awesome name.

IT IS ALLY said...

Holly - I missed out on catching him! Mum and Kate did it when I was out, probably so I wouldn't blog about it. Apparently it was VERY amusing.

Kat - Dude. I know.

Andrea - But they are nice to eat too :D

ow1 - I know! I kind of wish we could keep him, just so I could tell people about him.