Life is full of questions. What is in the fridge? Is there anything on TV? Where is the cord that connects the camera to the laptop? Why do I drink so much? Why does this recipe call for four and a half live lobsters? How do you get half a live lobster? Am I going mad? Is this love, or indigestion? Is bacon that fell on the floor still safe to eat?
Why, when I live in the city, is there a chicken in the garden?
The chicken arrived a couple of days ago. No-one knows where he came from, but he is roosting underneath the BBQ. Kate, who is much more kindly disposed towards Nay'cha than the rest of us, has named him Tenders and made a pet of him.
"He comes when you call him," she said.
"How do you call him?"
"Puuuk, puk puk puk puk puk puk. And he comes over all, "puk puk puk!!" And then you say, "Tenders, I have some bread for you!" And he eats it. "Puk puk puk." He's a great chicken." Kate has even established which kind of bread is Tenders' favourite (seedy, not white), and keeps looking out the window and saying things like, "Oh, he looks bored. I think he's bored." He is a CHICKEN I'm pretty sure he'll be fine.
Mum is trying to find a friend to give Tenders to, because while he's in residence Charlie can't go outside because that would be the bloody end of Tenders, and Mum says you're not allowed to put chicken bodies in the rubbish. Stupid rule.
I suggested that Charlie would love the chance to chase Tenders around the garden and that, if Tenders had flown in (because where the fuck else would he have come from, even though the fence is higher than my head) it might be the impetus he needed to fly back out again, thus neatly removing the chicken issue. Mum said no.
Also Tenders is actually a girl chicken, but seems much more like a boy chicken. Tenders is a chicken transvestite.
So. If anyone lives in Christchurch and wants a FREE TRANSVESTITE CHICKEN, comes to "puk puk puk," likes seedy bread, probably about a supermarket size 10, please let me know ASAP because Charlie wants to go outside, and he can't, and he is sad.