Saturday, May 29, 2010

Bit hungover

Bit hungover today. Oh man I was hopelessly plastered last night at work drinks. But it's ok because everyone else was drunk also and my boss had gone home and there were no cameras and I only came onto one reporter and I don't think he's going to report anything about it. So I guess that's ok? And anyway, surely they can't fire you for being drunk and talking bollocks. Not that I talked about actual genitals. Much. That I recall.

Sometimes I think I would get more done if I had a slide whistle. Because I would want to be blowing it all the time, but you kind of have to do something before you're all "whee-EEE-eep!" or "zooo-OOOO-oop!" or however you best think a slide whistle sounds. Probably zooo-OOOO-ooop.

Did you guys have those whistle lollipops? THESE:

They were so much better in theory than in practice. Like shower sex. Sounds exciting but then your hands get sticky and your mouth hurts and no matter how hard you blow it doesn't really make a whistling noise, so in the end you just bite the top off. That's the whistle pops. Not the other thing.

The Google search for "whistle pop" also threw up this book:

"No more boring parties! No more dull meetings! No more getting stuck with a little kid and not knowing how to make her laugh. Perfect for extroverts, office cutups, actors and storytellers, practical jokers, and the unsung clowns who brighten all our days, MouthSounds is the book for people who would give anything to imitate a Toilet Plunger."

Yes. I can imagine it now.

Boss: "Revenue is up by 2.3% for this quarter, but still behind budget by- "
Me: "zooo-OOOO-ooop!"
Boss: "By ten percent- what was that?"
Me: "toilet plunger"

Or -

Karen: "So, Doug, what do you do?"
Doug: "Well, I used to work in real estate, but now I'm developing an internet start-up with a completely revolutionary business philosophy- instead of making people deal with a traditional interface system, I'm going to -"
Me: "zooo-OOO-ooop! What?"

The book website, which was Angus & Robertson, took one look at me and recommended Sex for Dummies. Which I thought was a bit rude. After I got over being offended I clicked through because really, a book that big, all about sex? And that took me to the bestselling Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women, which is a book - a whole book - dedicated to going up the down stairs. ("So what do you do?" "I'm an author." "Oh? What do you write about?")

The blurb said, "Many women are intrigued by the idea of exploring anal eroticism, but may be uncertain how to proceed. " May be uncertain how to proceed? How many ways are there? "Oh, we tried to have anal sex last night, but we got confused and he ended up sticking it in my ear."

Lot of brown on the cover. Isn't there.

This book actually won an award and was turned into a movie. I wish I was kidding. The author - who is a lady, although I'm not sure that ladies discuss that sort of thing in public - went on to write the wildly successful The Anal Sex Position Guide: The Best Positions for Easy, Exciting, Mind-Blowing Pleasure. Still not kidding. And then went on to write the wildly successful Bend Over Boyfriend.

OK, I was kidding about that last one. It's actually a series of educational videos.

While I was in the dodgy section of Wikipedia I picked up some 90s porno titles.

The Lustful Sister-in-Law, Part 2
It seems weird that this was a successful movie franchise, but I guess if Bend Over Boyfriend can make it, anything can.

Madam is a Pervert
This actually looked kind of interesting. Like that Alice in Wonderland porno/musical that I still haven't got around to seeing.

Different Strokes
Tee hee! Porn puns are the best puns.

Angel Guts
Thank you Japan

Horse and Woman and Dog
Well. That just gives it all away, doesn't it.

I could look up porn titles all night but instead I'm going to go to bed before I stray irreversibly into TL:DR territory. Parting thought, though: imagine if there was a book about noises you could make with your genitals!

"What was that?"
"What was what?" she said, closing her legs.


uglygirl said...

We had a similar thing to the Whistle Pop but it was called a Melody Pop. Which again is a bit of a misnomer because the noise it made was not particularly melodic. I think they did turn your tongue blue (only if you had a blue one. If you had a pink one, your tongue just went more pink than usual). We also have something called a Whistle Cock, which I only discovered after I started working in Urology. I think it is a cultural/rite of passage type thing in some Indigenous communities. It is different to hypospadias, which is when the urethra opens up on the side of the penis instead of at the end, and is what came up (not literally) when I googled "whistle cock".

sugmond said...

'Instead of at the end'? R there men who's penis has a hole in the end? How weird.

Brooke said...

Oh my god this:
"Oh, we tried to have anal sex last night, but we got confused and he ended up sticking it in my ear."

made my day. Entire week actually. I literaloled (that's when you actually laugh out loud, rather than just write 'lol' to indicate mild amusement). Thankfully there was no on else around. I wouldn't want to have to explain it.

Also, I totally remember melody pops. And push pops! I don't like lollipops, but I loved those ones for the novelty factor.

WV: pogingdo - The lesser known, ginger, 103rd dalmatian.

IT IS ALLY said...

uglygirl - I might have had melody pops as well, come to think of it. How does the Whistle Cock rite of passage work? I am so keen to hear this.

sugmond - I know. I thought the holes were on the top, like a little meat flute. Meat flute is my new favourite penis euphemism. Tell your friends. MEAT FLUTE

Brooke - Push pops! I remember those. And the ones that were rings? Messy, messy little buggers.

Michelle said...

I love that its got a 'super surround-sound' cd with it!

(the making sounds with your mouth book, not the anal sex one. Just to clarify.)

wv. urings: strange, mystical noises that accompany ..

wait. Do animals, you know?

Actually, I don't think I want to go there.

Michelle said...

And Ally, how could you! I just started drinking and then read your comment about meat flutes. Meat flutes!
Only my lightning fast reflexes could keep the keyboard dry.

otherworldlyone said...

You hit on him, but did he bite? What I mean to say is...did you blow his whistle?

How awfully nosy. Don't answer.

If some woman can write a book on having anal sex, then I feel it's my right to write an entire book on how to avoid anal sex. And have it published. And have someone famous do the movie. Who would you suggest?

Michelle said...

Hey Ally, thought you might like to know that the wv is "reranity"

I think we all know what that's referring to...

IT IS ALLY said...

Michelle - Sorry. I cracked myself up with that one too, if it's any consolation.. Meat flute! Tee hee hee

ow1 - There was no blowing of the whistle, no tooting of the horn. Perhaps next time? Shall keep you informed, oh nosy one. I think Catherine Zeta-Jones. Not sure why.

Anonymous said...

Oh man. You are funny. So glad I found your blog! I am loving it!!

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