Thursday, June 03, 2010

Driving Tips

So I've been driving every day at work, and I've learnt so many things that I thought I should share some of them with you. Feel free to add your own driving tips in the comments.

- The Handbrake - Car goes better with it off.

- Speeding is really easy to do when you need to pee and are racing back to the office. I looked it up and apparently this is quite a common reason for speeding tickets. This is why your mother tried to train you to go to the bathroom before you leave the house. Why didn't you listen? Now you have a ticket and the work car smells like wees.

- The Rear Vision Mirror is for looking at traffic behind you, not contemplating how badly you need to pluck your eyebrows/what a nice job you did of plucking your eyebrows because why are those people honking? Is it because they see how nice my eyebrows are? Oh no whoops it's because I just sat through a whole light cycle admiring myself.

- The Wing Mirrors are for looking for stuff like cyclists, not just so that you can amuse yourself by imagining them flapping and the car taking off into space.

- Hill Starts are really good for when you need to start on a hill. Panicked revving works too, though.

- Making Engine Noises is not actually necessary to make the car go.

- The Radio - Sometimes I sit in the parking building and listen to the radio because that song I like is on, and then when it is finished I turn the radio off and then I back because the last time I backed with the radio on I almost hit a pole. The other day another sales rep caught me doing that and I had to be all, "Oh, I was just organising my presentation folder" slash rocking the fuck out.

- Singing along to the radio is fun. But remember that you are in the car, not your bedroom and so when it gets to that really high note at the end of the bridge and you are all "look at me I'm Kelly Clarkson" keep your eyes open and your hands on the wheel. I am really bad for this.

- Cars from Rival Newspapers - when you see one of these on the road, smile and wave at them like the courteous professional you are... provided you're in a branded work car. If you're in a non-branded one, give them the finger and tailgate like fuck.

- Ramps are only to be gone up frontwards.


Veronica said...

Blinkers are not just an optional luxury. They were invented for a reason... and not so you can see if your blinking light will match the person's in front of you.

Holly said...

Pigs are sometimes very large and difficult to manoeuver around if they stand in front of your car and refuse to move.

otherworldlyone said...

You've caught on so quickly! Wonderful tips.

Rocking the fuck out in cars is the best. Especially when it's a rock song with really raunchy lyrics like, oh I dunno..."I wanna fuck you like an animal"? Or "you look so much cuter with something in your mouth"? And you're sitting at a stoplight with the windows down next to an old lady that turns out to be your old 2nd grade teacher.


apple cheeked, potato shaped girl said...

crap you've reminded me I need to pluck.

I'm happy about this

Tooting Squared said...

If you look at a gap in traffic and stop and think, "will I fit in there?" then you no longer will. No matter how much you breathe in.