Monday, June 28, 2010

Newswieners

So I was reading stuff.co.nz, premier New Zealand news site, this afternoon at work (I work in the media, I'm allowed to do that, sort of) and, after reading some of the main news stories ("The weekend's Mountain Mardi Gras at Ohakune was marred by binge drinking [...] and a man who was so drunk he had defecated in his pants, police say") went to some of the other stories and found douchebaggery and wang jokes.

Celebrity newswiener of the day is Peter Andre, who has declared that joining Facebook is "the most dangerous thing you can ever do." Just ahead of sword-swallowing and fucking a porcupine. At the same time.


Clearly a man who knows danger when he sees it.


Non-celebrity newswiener of the day: Nicolas Steenhout, wiener in a wheelchair. (What? The two aren't mutually exclusive.) He lurks in carparks, confronting people who park in mobility spaces without a permit or a disability, which is fine by me because taking mobility parks is a mean-spirited thing to do and good on him for pulling people up on it. However, today he has strayed off the path of righteousness and into the path of wienerdom - has run to police and the media after confronting a woman and being tipped ingloriously from his wheelchair. Said wheelchair tippage was, however, ENTIRELY his own fault and now he's playing the victim and it is pissing me off.

Here's the story: a woman parked in a disabled spot without a mobility sticker. Mr Steenhout, understandably annoyed, waited until she opened the car door then reached in and grabbed the steering wheel. Rude, but she was in a mobility space so I guess fight rude with rude? Anyway, the woman parking where she oughtn't told him that she was going to back out of the park. That is where the story should end, with the woman backing out of the park feeling ashamed of herself. But it doesn't, because "the woman warned him to let go, before reversing slowly out of the park but Mr Steenhout clung to the wheel before being thrown out of his wheelchair." He believes he has been assaulted and it is awful and we must all be outraged.

Wait, what? Is the man insane? What did he think was going to happen? Oh, yeah, I remember now - extensive media coverage and an interview on Campbell Live. That's what. Sigh. Wiener. I imagine the wheelchair-bound community is this very moment awkwardly shuffling their feet and rolling him gently in someone else's direction.


Headline of the day is the glorious 'Wang creditors accept offer.' On closer inspection it turns out that Wang is a Chinese businesswoman, which makes the phrase "Wang is scheduled to appear in the District Court tomorrow morning" slightly less amusing. Here's what I thought the story was about.


Creditors? I have your compensation package right here.

12 comments:

cerebral e said...

I thought that "Newswieners" referred to wieners from New Zealand and for a brief, glorious moment, I thought that Peter Andre was not from Australia.

IT IS ALLY said...

Hahahaha! Nope, he's still yours.

slommler said...

Ha!! Now that is some compensation package!!!!!
Hugs
SueAnn

Anonymous said...

The true story with Nic Steenhout is not what you have regurgitated from the Manawatu Standard, whose biased reporting is the subject of further action.

Their whole story is a self-serving fabrication by the driver who ran Nic over. He's not some vigilante who "lurks" in carparks. Nic was also not even physically capable of grabbing someone's steering wheel at the time. Watch Campbell Live tonight and then perhaps you could revisit your story.

IT IS ALLY said...

SueAnn - Sure is! Considering your investment options? Tee hee.

Anonymous - Damn that Manawatu Standard and their shoddy reporting! That being said, it's hard to give much credibility to anonymous commenters either - so for the time being, I think I'll stick with the Standard.

texperiment said...

this blog - funny, witty, mildly clever - was single-handedly raising my opinion of new zweiners... right up until this post. I don't mind you bringing up Peter Andre to attack him - but noone should have to look at Peter Andre in the morning. Not even Peter Andre.
and yes, I AM just posting to win your mythical new zweiner pinata.

a cat of impossible colour said...

Stop regurgitating newsprint, Ally! It is an unhygienic habit and can't taste all that good, either. YOU MILDLY CLEVER FIEND YOU.

cerebral e said...

I saw this and thought of you (and fortunately not of Peter Andre):

http://www.swiss-miss.com/2010/06/weiners-are-hilarious.html

otherworldlyone said...

I'd definitely show up for court inspecting wang. Since I usually never read more than the headlines anyway.

Because I'm classy like that.

otherworldlyone said...

Also, my wv was: alsions. It wants to be my name, but it just doesn't quite make it.

The Feersum Blogosaurus said...

"I imagine the wheelchair-bound community is this very moment awkwardly shuffling their feet"

....IT'S A GIANORMOUS MIRACLE! Sorry, I commented in a Jared Leto fashion. I SAID SORRY!

IT IS ALLY said...

Tex - I'm pretty sure Peter Andre LOVES looking at himself in the morning. I'm pretty sure he wakes up and blows himself a kiss.

Andrea - BLEEEURGGHHH now I want to find that Blode episode where he is excited and sick and link to it

cE - Hahahaha! Thank you! That could totally be my next header, I'm getting sick of the glitter & etc.

ow1 - Imagine being Wang's lawyer. Ahahaha "I am representing Wang"

Blogosaurus - AHAHAHA I didn't even think about that, you clever thing you. Also your caps are OK, I just laughed in a JL fashion.