Monday, July 19, 2010

The Christchurch Testicle

Hot on the heels of Vampire Hospital comes another excellent new media proposal! (Disclaimer: this idea is not actually excellent. VH is, though, and we're working on the pilot for that.) This idea is for a newspaper showcasing the darker, sexier side of Christchurch. What? It totally has one. I know someone who had sex in the Victoria Square fountain. So there.

No! Not me!

Anyway, the Christchurch Testicle - sounds newspapery, doesn't it - tagline: "It's In the Sack" - will be a weekly tabloid newspaper featuring the seamier side of the city. Features will include a fetish column written by my boss, who told an entertaining story at work drinks about working for some men's magazine or other, going to a VIP party and waking up in latex and a cage, an image which now keeps springing unbidden into my head during meetings. ("What are you smirking about?" "The... the quarterly figures are funny.")

Next Wednesday in the Testicle: Is The 69 Worth It? (No.)

Basically what I am trying to say is that I should not make newspapers.

Also, this is off-topic but it appears Australia has its own Justin Bieber now in the form of Cody Simpson, 14-year-old popster (poplet? popperoo?) who has released a single which is called (let me get this right) iYiYi! and features Flo Rida, who should be ashamed of himself proud to be supporting young talent.

Australia, what are you doing? You didn't need your own Justin Bieber! Now everyone will get one, and the world will be flooded with big-fringed, hoodie-wearing preteens and it will be like emo all over again except with shinier hair and more wholesome songs. iYiYi!

Oh Australia. I would tell you to put Cody Simpson back wherever you found him but it's too late now. Everything is ruined forever.

Not pictured: latex, cage.


slommler said...

Latex and a cage? OMG! Now that image is stuck in my head!!!!
And just what the world needs is another pre-teen idol!! Ack!!

cerebral e said...

I've not heard of this pre-teen Bieber clone. Are you sure he's Australian? Maybe he's Austrian.

IT IS ALLY said...

SueAnn - I know! There are enough already. Also, now pretend that image is stuck in your head and trying to talk to you about the June budget and all you can think is, "I wonder if it was just latex pants, or some kind of chain-related getup?"

cE - Sorry, definitely yours. From the Gold Coast, even! Maybe he and Peter Andre will duet and then the world will fucking implode.

Ella said...

no more Bieber.
I may have to rip my hair out.

apple cheeked, potato shaped girl said...

The more I hear abot your boss....

Christina said...

There are _more_ Bieber-like singers in the world?! For the love of all that is... not latex and in a cage... why? Also, I would totally watch Vampire Hospital.

Elizabeth said...

I would like to submit a regular feature to the Christchurch Testicle. You can choose the theme. I submit respectfully:
-Partner swopping among the money munt of Merivale.
-Emo kids in the city mall. Tastier before or after you have shucked their coloured jeans like an ice pop?
-Estate agents. Should you? I know someone who did and they say......NOOOOOOOO! On the other hand there are a lot to choose from.
-A regular article, where someone fesses up to their latest shag, and, with judicious use of venn diagrams, we are able to prove that they have actually shagged the whole of Christchurch by proxy, including their pet.
-This is too much. I love it. When can I come work for you and launch the Testes of ChCh on a deserving world?