20 Irresponsible Yet Tempting Things To Do Before You Die
1. Run from the cops
Not because you have anything to run from, just for the sake of it, and preferably after doing a double take and shouting, "Fuck! It's the fuzz!"
2. Perform surgery on yourself
Not, you know, major surgery. Just something minor. "Oh, this scar? Yeah, that's from when I got a nail stuck in my hand and took it out myself with the pliers." "Oh, this half a tooth? Yeah, I dentisted the shit out of that."
3. Get 'kid dirty'
You know how when you were little you'd go out and play and get covered in mud and leaves, and have grass stains on your knees and dirt smudges on your face? I never get that dirty any more and I miss it.
4. Break a musical instrument
There's something really tempting about pointless destruction. Especially when you are pointlessly destroying something beautiful and expensive. Like when you are stomping on a violin. No, no, don't be horrified, take a minute and think about it. See? Tempting.
5. Protest at a wedding
You know that part in the wedding vows where the celebrant says if anyone knows of any reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony they should speak now or forever hold their peace? Go on, say something! (Before Andrea's wedding she specified that I was not allowed to object. However, if I ever get married - stop laughing! - you're all welcome to come along and object. Then we will cut the wedding short and go to the pub.)
6. Run something over
For the half of you who haven't muttered "psycho" and stopped reading, isn't there a small part of you that has always wondered what it would be like to run something over? Not something big. Not, like, a ten-year-old. Just something small. Like a rabbit. CALM DOWN PeTA I didn't say I was going to, I'm just saying isn't it a bit tempting to see what that would be like.
7. Sleep with someone famous and tell everyone
Apparently when you sleep with someone famous you're meant to be quiet about it. I would totally not be quiet about it. You shouldn't either. You should tell Ev-ery-one. Unless it was an embarrassing famous person, like, uh, Ricky Martin. Don't tell people about that. Has anyone in the audience slept with someone famous? How was it? PLEASE TELL ME.
8. Read someone else's mail
Sometimes, when I am walking, I am really tempted to just pull letters out of strangers' mailboxes one by one until I have a huge pile, then sit down somewhere and read them all. And if it is anything important maybe put them back. But maybe not. Or maybe put them all back in the wrong mailboxes in the hopes of promoting some kind of street party and gradual coming together of the neighbourhood, which would totally work in an indie film but not in reality because everyone would just chuck out the mail that didn't belong to them, rather than walk up the street to the lonely old lady at No. 23 whose children never visit her any more. How depressing.
9. Feed the animals
You know that sign they have at the zoo, that Please Do Not Feed the Animals sign? Just for once I would like to say FUCK THAT SIGN.
10. Fire a gun illegally
Because everyone's bucket list has 'fire a gun.' I don't mean super-illegal, by the way, not in-Vegas-at-a-hooker illegal but just a little bit illegal. Just enough to make people go, "What the fuck was that? Was that a gunshot? In the middle of WifeSwap?"
11. Pee in a swimming pool, as an adult
...and hope like stink that it doesn't have that purple pee-detecting chemical in it because wow, getting kicked out of the Aquagym for urinatin' is not something I have on this list. If you're feeling a bit shy you could probably amend this one to "pee in the ocean."
12. Garden in the nude
Commune with nature! Prance in the grass with the sun on your nekked self! Feel the dirt between your toes and/or buttocks! Flash your elderly neighbour, and/or the postman! Maybe even get on Google Earth. Garden in the nude, people. Be your own hose.
13. Walk out of a job
I have actually done this and it was amazing. Andrea's mother has also done this, but she told them she had won Lotto.
14. Send an explicit love letter through internal office mail
I really, really, really want to do this. Pen a filthy note to someone in the building then pop it in the (anonymous) internal mailbox and see what happens.
15. Poke a hive
Don't actually do this one, though. I poked a hive once and all the bees came out and one flew up my nose and I had to block the other nostril and sneeze it out and it was fucking gross and also the bee stung my lip before it went noseward and half my face swelled up and everyone laughed at me. Do you know why I poked the hive? I wanted to see what would happen because I thought the thing about angry bees coming out might be a myth. Newsflash: it's not.
16. Punch someone in the face.
Pow! Right in the kisser. Pow! Right in the kisser. I was thinking about this and I've never actually punched someone in the face. It seems like the kind of thing you should do at least once. Pow! Right in the kisser.
17. Run away to sea.
Not necessarily for very long, especially if you don't know how to do boat things, which I don't. I guess what I am really saying here is stow away on the ferry! Which runs between the North and South Islands and takes about 3 hours.
18. Lunge wildly at the Pope
A friend of Andrea's was recently in the general vicinity of the Pope, and managed to get about a metre away from His Holiness. Andrea and I agreed that should one ever be this close to the Pope you should make a determined effort to poke him with your index finger, and thus Lunge Wildly at the Pope was born.
19. Graffiti something
A wall! A car! A house! The dog! Under that dodgy section of the railway track bridge! Maybe not there, though, because there will be proper hoodlums and they may not appreciate your ten-foot-high, neon pink BIEBER FEVER!!1
20. Swim with dolphins...
...and take photos of yourself giving them the finger.
I'll make a start next week.