Friday, August 06, 2010

Bucket List

So yesterday I was watching Oprah imagining that I was watching Oprah because I am totally at work when Oprah is on, and on this imaginary Oprah episode there was a quartet of douchebags (it's the proper collective noun for douchebags, when there are four of them) who had devoted some time to composing and completing a list of things to do before they die. Why is it that when people make these lists they are always of things like "Swim with the dolphins" and "Deliver a baby" and "Go skydiving" and "Tell a stranger they're beautiful" and "Dance in Michigan" or whatever? Those lists suck. With Andrea's help, I made a BETTER list.

20 Irresponsible Yet Tempting Things To Do Before You Die

1. Run from the cops
Not because you have anything to run from, just for the sake of it, and preferably after doing a double take and shouting, "Fuck! It's the fuzz!"

2. Perform surgery on yourself
Not, you know, major surgery. Just something minor. "Oh, this scar? Yeah, that's from when I got a nail stuck in my hand and took it out myself with the pliers." "Oh, this half a tooth? Yeah, I dentisted the shit out of that."

3. Get 'kid dirty'
You know how when you were little you'd go out and play and get covered in mud and leaves, and have grass stains on your knees and dirt smudges on your face? I never get that dirty any more and I miss it.

4. Break a musical instrument
There's something really tempting about pointless destruction. Especially when you are pointlessly destroying something beautiful and expensive. Like when you are stomping on a violin. No, no, don't be horrified, take a minute and think about it. See? Tempting.

5. Protest at a wedding
You know that part in the wedding vows where the celebrant says if anyone knows of any reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony they should speak now or forever hold their peace? Go on, say something! (Before Andrea's wedding she specified that I was not allowed to object. However, if I ever get married - stop laughing! - you're all welcome to come along and object. Then we will cut the wedding short and go to the pub.)

6. Run something over
For the half of you who haven't muttered "psycho" and stopped reading, isn't there a small part of you that has always wondered what it would be like to run something over? Not something big. Not, like, a ten-year-old. Just something small. Like a rabbit. CALM DOWN PeTA I didn't say I was going to, I'm just saying isn't it a bit tempting to see what that would be like.

7. Sleep with someone famous and tell everyone
Apparently when you sleep with someone famous you're meant to be quiet about it. I would totally not be quiet about it. You shouldn't either. You should tell Ev-ery-one. Unless it was an embarrassing famous person, like, uh, Ricky Martin. Don't tell people about that. Has anyone in the audience slept with someone famous? How was it? PLEASE TELL ME.

8. Read someone else's mail
Sometimes, when I am walking, I am really tempted to just pull letters out of strangers' mailboxes one by one until I have a huge pile, then sit down somewhere and read them all. And if it is anything important maybe put them back. But maybe not. Or maybe put them all back in the wrong mailboxes in the hopes of promoting some kind of street party and gradual coming together of the neighbourhood, which would totally work in an indie film but not in reality because everyone would just chuck out the mail that didn't belong to them, rather than walk up the street to the lonely old lady at No. 23 whose children never visit her any more. How depressing.

9. Feed the animals

You know that sign they have at the zoo, that Please Do Not Feed the Animals sign? Just for once I would like to say FUCK THAT SIGN.

10. Fire a gun illegally
Because everyone's bucket list has 'fire a gun.' I don't mean super-illegal, by the way, not in-Vegas-at-a-hooker illegal but just a little bit illegal. Just enough to make people go, "What the fuck was that? Was that a gunshot? In the middle of WifeSwap?"

11. Pee in a swimming pool, as an adult
...and hope like stink that it doesn't have that purple pee-detecting chemical in it because wow, getting kicked out of the Aquagym for urinatin' is not something I have on this list. If you're feeling a bit shy you could probably amend this one to "pee in the ocean."

12. Garden in the nude
Commune with nature! Prance in the grass with the sun on your nekked self! Feel the dirt between your toes and/or buttocks! Flash your elderly neighbour, and/or the postman! Maybe even get on Google Earth. Garden in the nude, people. Be your own hose.

13. Walk out of a job
I have actually done this and it was amazing. Andrea's mother has also done this, but she told them she had won Lotto.

14. Send an explicit love letter through internal office mail
I really, really, really want to do this. Pen a filthy note to someone in the building then pop it in the (anonymous) internal mailbox and see what happens.

15. Poke a hive
Don't actually do this one, though. I poked a hive once and all the bees came out and one flew up my nose and I had to block the other nostril and sneeze it out and it was fucking gross and also the bee stung my lip before it went noseward and half my face swelled up and everyone laughed at me. Do you know why I poked the hive? I wanted to see what would happen because I thought the thing about angry bees coming out might be a myth. Newsflash: it's not.

16. Punch someone in the face.
Pow! Right in the kisser. Pow! Right in the kisser. I was thinking about this and I've never actually punched someone in the face. It seems like the kind of thing you should do at least once. Pow! Right in the kisser.

17. Run away to sea.

Not necessarily for very long, especially if you don't know how to do boat things, which I don't. I guess what I am really saying here is stow away on the ferry! Which runs between the North and South Islands and takes about 3 hours.

18. Lunge wildly at the Pope
A friend of Andrea's was recently in the general vicinity of the Pope, and managed to get about a metre away from His Holiness. Andrea and I agreed that should one ever be this close to the Pope you should make a determined effort to poke him with your index finger, and thus Lunge Wildly at the Pope was born.

19. Graffiti something
A wall! A car! A house! The dog! Under that dodgy section of the railway track bridge! Maybe not there, though, because there will be proper hoodlums and they may not appreciate your ten-foot-high, neon pink BIEBER FEVER!!1

20. Swim with dolphins...
...and take photos of yourself giving them the finger.

I'll make a start next week.


Anonymous said...

Lovely list of irresponsibility. I have done a few of these, but as I don't 'technically' count as an adult (I'm 19?), I'm not sure as to how official they are.

Once I ran over something on the motorway, but it was already dead. Does that count?

Also, when I was with my ex, I punched him in the face. While I was asleep. I remember nothing, but he woke up with a black eye. Again, does that count?

So. Much. Ambiguity.

Carl said...

I wanna see an entire brass band smash their instruments all at once at the end of a test piece.

Make banding cool (albeit expensive).

Nick said...

Agreed Carl, that would be great!

I destroyed a fairly terrible acoustic guitar when I was overseas. Bought too much garbage and needed another bag, so it quickly became awkward to carry around the guitar. Last night in a hotel room + toilet seat + balcony rail = a heck of a lot of splinters. Very fun and would do again!

PurpleLily said...

Am curious. More info on number 13 please!

WV: dingero - cross between a dingo and a kangeroo perhaps?

apple cheeked, potato shaped girl said...

I gardened in the nude once...I was at work (a nursery) and it was hot.. no one could see me so I put the sprinklers and on took off all my clothes.

The NDM (of Not Drowning, Mothering) said...

Not to be funny or everything, but every day I end up "kid dirty". It's got something to with having kids - or so I tell people.

So instead of "kid dirt-ness", could I please have "Wear an impeccably white linen suit" on my list - preferably while lounging on a white leather sofa in a white padded cell OR appearing in a movie co-starring Bette Midler and/or Goldie Hawn?

Funny, funny post.

Juli Ryan said...

Andrea'a mother told them she won Lotto?! Awesome!

IT IS ALLY said...

Raquel - Already dead KIND of counts. Was it interesting? It's a shame you don't remember punching the ex. I think both of these need to be re-ticked-off. Would suggest meeting up and punching each other in the face but that's a little Fight Club.

Carl - That would be AWESOME. But it's actually quite hard to smash a tuba, you'd have to jump up and down on it. Or maybe whang it into the tuba next to you?

Nick - You have more rockstar cred than anyone else in this comments section. Can you let me know next time you have a spare guitar & balcony?

Lily - I was in a HORRIBLE telemarketing job for 2 weeks. One morning at morning tea I was talking to Andrea online and said, "I wish I could just up and leave." She said, "Do!" So I went into the boss's office and said, "This isn't really working for me" and then just walked out. IT ROCKED. And the company went under 2 days later, which may or may not have been related.

Kat - HAHAHA that is so cool. I'm never going to be able to take garden centres seriously again though, will always be imagining the employees prancing about in the nud

NDM - Absolutely! We could swap for a day. I'm not in movies very often but I do wear suits and do not much and it feels like a padded cell a lot of the time. More than anything I would like to make a teepee out of sticks but you can't do that in your corporate wardrobe :(

Juli - I know! Balls of steel, that woman. Metaphorically speaking.

Anonymous said...

That is a little fight club... wait...are you suggesting that you are one of my dissociative personalities? And those twitter conversations? I'm having those with myself? Oh it's all too much.

slommler said...

I would grab a toddler and then while floating around together, pee in the pool. That way if that purple shit is in there I am covered!
I have punched someone in the face but they punched me back in the face. The cheek to be exact and it hurt like hell! Note to self: Don't punch someone else in the face!
Your bucket list is outstanding!!

Elle said...

I have done 8 1/2 of your most desirable irresponsible things. I will only tell you the half, which is kissing Karen O's hand, and her ruffling my hair. Kind of like sex.

chris.dadness said...

BE YOUR OWN HOSE - have already ordered 10,000 bumper stickers that say this. Will then walk around sticking them over MAGIC HAPPENS! and POVERTY IS OWNING A HORSE! etc.

Amazing secondary bumper sticker idea: BE YOUR OWN HORSE.

Car said...

I have 100% done number 1, only it wasn't for funs, it was because they were arresting every drunk teenager in the park and we tried to sneak out the back way but miscalculated and they were coming at us with riot gear and the only solution was to yell "OH FUCK IT'S THE PEELERS. RUN. RUN!" and kick our friend down a hill because she was too drunk to flee herself. Then we hid under a tree for 45 minutes like Frodo while the police put everyone they could find in the back of a van and it was all quite scary really but in retrospect, awesome.

The end.

Jen the Trephinist said...

I have only realized very recently, in that startled way where you reexamine something from your childhood that you have not thought about in a very long time, that the purple pee-chemical is a TOTAL MYTH. And then I Googled it just to make sure.

So I guess what I'm saying is, have at it!

*uncorked said...

I've totally run from the cops for no reason before and it was awesome. My friend J and I were walking home from the library (yes, an actual library) in college. It was pretty late because we were working on a project together. Anyway, we passed by some of the bars on our way home and the cops apparently thought we were drunk or up to no good. So the slowed down by us on the street and one asked "What do you have in those bags?" J screams "A whole lot of crystal meth! Run Valerie!" And just takes off running - so of course I followed but had to stop because my lungs were in bad shape and I was absolutely dying laughing. They chased us for a while and caught up. Then searched our bags and were pissed when all they found were books and a laptop. Amazing fun though. I highly recommend it.

Em said...

Bet your mother's proud of that list... Yes, that's my girl, peeing in the pool and running from the fuzz. And, yes, here's our holiday snap swimming with the dolphins. *sigh* Yes, that's her finger.

IT IS ALLY said...

Raquel - This whole blog is in your mind. All of these other commenters are merely facets of your subconscious.

SueAnn - That is SUCH a good idea, about carrying the toddler. Seriously. Genius. Do you have a toddler I can borrow?

Elle - I am going to spend ages guessing which ones you have done.

Chris - BE YOUR OWN HORSE! Incidentally, I have never seen a 'poverty is owning a horse' bumper sticker. Ever. I might have to add BE YOUR OWN HOSE to the blog header though, it seems... appropriate.

Car - That is an awesome story improved only by the use of the word 'peelers'. I am well impressed.

Jen - Woooo! Best news I've heard all week AND I'm not even kidding AND I didn't even have to Google it myself. May still take a toddler just in case, though.

V - Hahaha! Am glad you're living the dream. Interesting that they chased you and didn't go, "They must be taking the piss."

Em - My mother is constantly proud of me. You can't imagine how thrilled she was in the aftermath of the beehive-poking incident, when she kept having to explain to people why my face was so horribly puffy.

otherworldlyone said...

I want to hear about it immediately if you complete any of these.

#14...brilliant. Now I REALLY want to do that too.

I've already done #s 1,3,6,8,13, and 16. Numbers 13 and 16 being two of my favorite moments.