Band Names

Sepia Zebra would be a great band name. (Or I thought it would when I first wrote that sentence but no-one I have asked agrees. Whatever, people.) I was over at Chris' blog earlier and he mentioned that the zebras at Melbourne Zoo aren't really black and white, like my nice coat from yesterday, but had more of a brownish, faded effect to them. Coincidentally, I am having my quarterly start-a-band impulse*. Who wants to join Sepia Zebra?

This is also the album art.

Anyway, that got me thinking about band names and it turned out that the Internet has heaps of band name lists. With some truly horrible band names on them. I love weird band names, especially the ones that are hiding in plain sight, like Pink Floyd.

All of the below are actual bands and were linked to a myspace or facebook or whatever. (I didn't relink them all because, well, too much like hard work.) Half of these probably have perfectly logical back stories, but don't share them with me. It would take out all the fun.


Amputatoe - I can only assume this is an amputated potato(e). But what do you amputate off a potato? Half A Spud would have been a better name.

Abracadaver is kind of a cool name, despite not meaning a huge amount. (Unlike The Jackofficers, which brings to mind a group of furiously wanking policeman.) I would like Abracadaver more if it had a Dead Harry Potter theme and was called Avada Kadaver!

JFKFC - Oh, I see what you did there.

There are quite a few "bad celebrity pun" band names, like Tom Cruise Control and Yoko Homo. Oh dear.

Some band names - like Sorry About Your Couch, Dinner Is Ruined, Simon Go Fuck Yourself and Lyin' Bitch and the Restraining Orders - we can only assume are based on true stories. Or perhaps on one hyperdramatic true story in which Simon shags your wife on the couch during dinner and is kicked out of the band. Who then get several restraining orders.

Robot Ninja Dinosaur Bastards - I love this, because you just know that robot ninja dinosaurs would be total bastards.

I also like a good "X and the Ys" band names, like Bolt Upright and the Erections, or Evil Dick and the Banned Members.

Which leads us neatly into the lovely old rude band names.

Penis and Vagina is pretty self-explanatory really. I really hope this is some kind of male/female folk duo.

Anal Fang Boner isn't, though. I get that you want to call your band something offensive but come on, that doesn't even make sense. The closest I can come to imagining this is some kind of vampire rimming and if you don't know what that is, count yourself lucky and stay off of the Google.

The Gay Gays - This is pretty redundant. Also, kind of a bit weak. If you really wanted to go down that road, do it properly, like The Fuck Fucks did.

The Shitsez - I thought it was only hairdressers who still weren't aware that putting a Z on the end of something doesn't automatically make it cool (Kutz!) but apparently I was wrong. The Fartz drive this home, and speaking of everyone's favourite bodily function what kind of a band name is The Fart Farmers? Come to that, what is a fart farmer? Aren't we all fart farmers? Putting a new spin on things is Mouthfart. I can imagine them sitting around and coming up with that. "Dude, it's called a bu- oh, no, you're right. Burp would be a terrible band name, Mouthfart is much better."

While we're being witty with naughty words, it would be remiss not to mention Assacre, Bassholes, The Cunning Runts (see what they did there?) and of course Glorious Clitorious.

Some of the band names are just trying too hard. I'm looking at you, Well Strung. Oh, because, like, well hung, but guitars have strings and you're playing a guitar? You're right, the chicks are totally going to dig that. You know who did that joke properly? The Well Hungarians.

To Touch My Rash, if no-one did it before they're not going to do it now just because you called your band it. That's verging on gross, which reminds me that there is a band called Anus the Menace and another band called Porn Flakes and I don't even want to listen to either of them.

Also trying too hard are the Imperial Butt Wizards who are not going to impress anyone. Would you want that on your CV? Are people going to want to tell their friends about you? "Oh, Mom, I met this great guy, he's an Imperial Butt Wizard!" NO.


Prize for the most obvious name goes to the Pretentious Flamedogs. No shit. Also filed under 'mildly pretentious' is Casiotone for the Painfully Alone, aka 'every current indie band ever.'

To Rebel Without Applause, that's cute but you're kind of dooming yourself with a name like this, and Shitty Shitty Band Band did it better.

Then we charge into the 'totally fucking weird, full stop' band names, like Mao Tse Helen and Bozo Porno Circus. I do not understand either of these things.

I do understand Lesbian Dopeheads on Mopeds though and I think it's a great name. You know exactly what you're getting. Just like Individual Fruit Pie, which is a good name because really, who doesn't like an individual fruit pie? Unless it means something filthy that I am not aware of, which seems unlikely given that I had to explain 'felching' to the room last night. (No Google!)

But there's nothing to say your band name has to be exotic and weird. Why not just talk about something that happens every day? And that is why we have bands called Dogs Die In Hot Cars, and Goddamn Electric Bill. How depressing. "I'm just going to go and listen to Dogs Die In Hot Cars."

Also I think that Here Are The Facts You Requested should do a concert with The Tortillas You Wanted. And, just for the heck of it, invite I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness.


In conclusion, disappointment of the day is Disguised As Birds. I think that if you call your band Disguised As Birds, when I visit your website you should be disguised as a fucking bird.

In more conclusion, there are some band names that are totally fucking weird, but actually kind of awesome.

Kind of awesome like Full Throttle Aristotle.
Kind of awesome like Oh Shit! A Geyser!
Kind of awesome like the Ultra Fuckers.

Seriously, who wouldn't want to be in a band called the Ultra Fuckers?



*In my mind, starting a band consists almost entirely of recruiting a handsome guitarist, writing two songs, and then playing to packed stadiums for ever whilst swigging from a vodka bottle and saying things like "Kiss me, you animal!"