Sunday, November 21, 2010


There are small children staying in my house. They are here until Tuesday and it is going to be a very long few days, mainly because I have no idea what to do with children and am essentially not a child person, and somehow they have sensed this and decided that they love me, and keep climbing on me as if I am a squidgy piece of playground equipment. The smaller one has developed a game called "climb onto the back of the couch then launch yourself off and bodyslam Ally," and the older one has developed a similar game called "climb onto Ally's shoulders by repeatedly stomping on her boob." Thank you, children. You are very creative.

They are the children of my cousin, and I'm pretty sure the correct term for that is 'sub-niece-and-nephew.' They are nice children but they are SMALL and keep wanting to show me things and I am all like, "Oh, children, you have found a plane made of Duplo! That's pretty hardcore but a) I, like, totally saw that plane when I was THREE because actually it is my plane and b) I am trying to write a blog post right now for the internet" but the children don't really understand the concept of blogs or the internet. Other concepts that have been missed include I'm Sunburnt Don't Grab Me, That's My Coffee, and Don't Poke the Laptop.

What actually happens in the above scenario is that while we are playing with the plane we stumble across a Duplo boat as well, and then the inevitable happens:

The Inevitable: a horrific plane/boat crash, rendered cheery by the primary colour paint jobs of both vehicles and the sassy attitude of the pilot

- and then all of a sudden I am trying to explain the concept of aircraft carriers to a four-year-old ("so, you need to fight some people with your planes, but they're a very long way away and your plane will run out of petrol- petrol? it's what you put in planes to make them go - and so you put them on the boat - yes! All of them. Of course all of them. You put all of your planes on the boat and then you drive the boat to the people you want to fight, and then you fly your planes off the boat and this would be so much easier if you were old enough to watch Top Gun.")

It makes a nice change from office gossip, though. There has been so much "Harold says Wallace heard Bob tell Mikhail he's getting a warning for sleeping with Carol on the marketing manager's desk* but I think Harold just wants to get rid of Myrtle because etc." this week that I kind of just want everyone to sit quietly and do their jobs for a week or two. Please. Otherwise I am going to start climbing onto my desk then flinging myself off and bodyslamming colleagues.

Internet discovery of the day: do you like things organised neatly? I do.
It's a pair of jeans. Organised neatly.

There are lots of neatly organised things to be found here, at the Most Soothing Tumblr in the World.

Do you like lying down? I do.

Here is the British Lying Down Game, also known as "Parkour for those who can't be arsed."

You just lie down! Wherever you like!
I can see this really taking off in New Zealand/my work.

That's enough internet sharing for you now. Or you will get spoilt. Also, I have to go because a small child is showing me an iceblock of apparent international significance.

Most certainly not based on a true story.


apple cheeked, potato shaped girl said...

I assume that when say you like things organised neatly, you mean other people's things?

Me to :-)

Posie Patchwork said...

Good luck with those children. What they really love is if you act like a child too, as their parents don't have time to. View them as a novelty & enjoy. That's what i did with my nieces & nephews, i thougth their parents were so boring & out of touch. Then i had 4 of my own children & while i love getting on the floor to play Lego, playdough & crafty things, it gets old, fast. Very lucky my guys were able to entertain themselves & weren't into body slamming, ouch!! Love Posie

slommler said...

Ha! Yes! Little children to have their ways. And they are mostly intrusive and loud! Not to mention the periodic body slam! Ha! But so fun and they are so inquisitive and annoying! Glad it's you and not me. I have had my time with littles and that was enough.
I love laying down...but on a bed please!

Baglady said...

I hate kids (I would say I hate kids too but I am not sure if you do or not). They have no concept of alone time or quiet or tidy. Good luck.

chris.dadness said...

ThOrgNeat is really beaut, and soothing, as you say. Kids, not so much.

a cat of impossible colour said...

My younger cousin used to grab and squeeze my poor old developing boobs when we were kids and yell "YOUR CHEST IS GETTING FAT."