Uke! Yuck.

Did you know that New Zealand has a Ukulele Festival? No, I don't know why either.

Ihhhh. This may be why.

It looks a little bit like this:

'1, 2, 3, 4, grab a uke and play some more...'

5, 6, 7, 8. Stop playing your ukulele in the house or I am going to beat you with a stick.

Feel free to disagree but I do not think ukuleles are a useful addition to an orchestra anything, especially not a wedding or funeral. Nobody better bring a uke to my funeral or I swear to God I will be out of that coffin so damn fast your head will spin, and you and your uke will find yourselves booted out the back door of the church before you can say "Inappropriate Novelty Instrument Causes Zombie Apocalypse."

They sound silly and are hard to spell (uku? uke?), and it is impossible not to look ridiculous wielding a banjo, ukulele, or banjolele - what? Apparently a banjo uke is "an essential part of any collection."

Of ukuleles.

Here is what Google thinks of the uke, the banjo, and the banjo uke:

I bet this man calls himself "The Duke of Uke"

This confirms everything I ever thought about the banjo

This man is enjoying playing his banjolele.
Can't really argue with that.

Anyway, as part of our Ukulele Festival there is a thing call UKEQUEST! They write it just like that. UKEQUEST! is "New Zealand's search for teen uke talent," and its winner is impressive enough that I felt I had to mention him.

He is 14-year-old Siuta Veaila, of Otara (I think), who is now a national ukelebrity, and deservedly so because while he can't read music, he CAN play Pokarekare Ana on the ukulele...

With his teeth.

Unlike Ivor Biggun, who performs "Nobody Does it like the Ukulele Man" with an undisclosed part of his anatomy.

No sarcasm, that's kind of awesome. And while I'm not entirely sure this sort of behaviour (playing of the ukulele) should be encouraged, he totally deserves the title for toothuking. I certainly can't play Pokarekare Ana on the ukulele with my teeth. I just tried to play it on the piano (with my teeth) and I can't do that either.

If you would like to see this young prodigy chompin' down on the uke, well, you can't because I couldn't find it on youtube. I could, however, find one of the other entrants performing Billionaire. Here it is.

I am certain both he and young Uketooth have glittering careers ahead of them...

Just like Ukulele Ray.

How do you even make love ukulele style? Do you just have uke music playing in the background, or is it more complex? Is there... is there a 'ukulele' position? "Oh, darling, I'm feeling adventurous tonight... let's try the Painted Banjo!" Yuckulele. Ukulele Ray is real.