Band band band OH NO TOO FESTIVE FUCK OFF

I fucking wish.

I spent all weekend being festive! And now I never want to see another brass band or Christmas parade or small child dressed as the Nativity (yes, the whole damn thing) or I will go mad and swaddle myself in tinsel then drink a whole bottle of mulled wine and run around the neighbourhood in the partially-tinsel-covered nud roaring "I'm Festive! I'm an Elf! I'm the Spirit of Christmas, bitches!" and then I will be Put Away and miss out on the turkey.

Saturday we had a concert in Kaiapoi and then the Kaiapoi Christmas Parade, which my band was marching in. The KCP was... not-good. I was in a bad mood because it was TOO HOT and there were TOO MANY PEOPLE and one of the "floats" was just a whole bunch of people on mobility scooters and oh my God, Kaiapoi, I know you were badly 'quaked but that is not an excuse for making a brass band march at about three steps a minute in the midday sun, stuck between a pipe band and a man pushing a haybale on a forklift or whatever it is you do for jollies.

...sorry Kaiapoi. It was a nice parade. It was just a bit disorganised and I had a blister and it was too hot. When it is too hot I become like this corn:


- and no-one wants to talk to me.

Sunday was the main Christmas Parade, another too hot too many people event. There is something about being in a band uniform that makes young hooligans lean out of the window of their car and shout, "Play us a tune!" I wish there was a tune called 'Fuck Off.'

I believe the weekend was summed up best by the gentleman at the Christmas do for people with intellectual disabilities* who, when we returned to do our final set of carols, shouted, "No more band! Enough band for one day!"

It is rare that our audience is so honest unappreciative.

The No More Band Bear.

In other news, watch Death Race.

I am about halfway through it right now and it is AWESOME.


*this was a great concert - by the end of the morning we had a lady in a wheelchair who had added herself on to the trombone section, someone who was wandering around, peering at people's music and periodically roaring at the horns (if you are familiar with our horn section, it's not an unfair reaction), and a brand new conductor with a Santa hat and balloons tied to his belt. It was by far the most enjoyable festive time I have had this holiday season.