Monday, December 13, 2010

I'm Melting

Heads up: image at the bottom of this post is a little bit NSFW.

I want to make a complaint about the weather, but I don't know where to submit it. It isn't Metservice's fault and God doesn't have a mailing address and probably wouldn't appreciate a pissed-off prayer ("Dear Lord, why did You make it so fucking hot?"), and I can't really think of anyone else to blame. Mother Nature?

Dear Mother Nature:

Please make it be less hot and humid.

I can't sleep, even though I have tried everything from watching TV, to having a couple of glasses of wine, to taking off all my clothes and running through the house at speed to cool down by creating my own "wind chill factor."

Which totally works until you stop running, and then you're all sweaty so it's pretty self-defeating and also a bit gross and I'm not sure quite why I'm telling you this but it was quite possibly the wine so you can learn from my naked mistakes. ( Which seems to be what this blog is about a lot of the time but as they say: if you can't be a good example, be a horrible warning.)

In short, I am about as comfortable as this camel:

- or the giraffes that they airlifted through China under helicopters in 2012, although right now I wouldn't mind being dangled out of a helicopter, roaring through the frozen wastelands. It would be better than thrashing about trying to avoid coming into contact with this normally quite benign blanket that tonight is trying to warm me to death, safe in the knowledge that once it has subdued me, near the ceiling a mosquito is lurking.

Please make it stop - tomorrow morning at 9am I have to drive to a Greek fish shop and take a photo of a man who has won a leg of lamb. I would really, really like to have a nap before that unique experience.

Let's make a deal: if you make it less hot, I will
a) not litter for a week, not even mini-littering like accidentally dropped bus tickets and ATM receipts
b) start making the extra walk down the hallway to put my coffee cups in the recycling bin, not just the rubbish bin under my desk
c) be slightly less rude about environmentalists.

No? Alright then, time for Plan B.


Kitty said...

get over it, trust me, you don't know what hot is! (hint-Singapore). A good thing to do though, is sit on the side of the bath and run the cold tap over your bare feet and wrists, this really works in less than 3 mins.

a cat of impossible colour said...

Kitty - but Ally is a cold-weather creature! I'm sure there are many people living in the middle of countries that are actually ON FIRE, but she is still allowed to be too hot.

Ally, I suggest peeling your skin off and putting it in the freezer for a bit before putting it back on.

And don't visit me in summer.

Em said...

But Ally, your temps are, ahem, not as hot as, say, Auckland.
How do you cope when that Nor'wester hits? Isn't that the one that sends people crazy? (er).

apple cheeked, potato shaped girl said...

last year I went "skinny dipping" in the sprinklers at work...I was just too damn hot

Tooting Squared said...

You lucky, lucky bugger. It's freeeeezing over here! Going to be -2deg tomorrow AT WARMEST!!! I've got thermal undies on and everything. Brrr.

IT IS ALLY said...

Kitty - that is a good idea! And yes, am nowhere near as hot as Singapore, but am COMPARATIVELY roasting.

Andrea - Good idea. Am glad nothing is actually ON FIRE.

Em - I don't cope well. I get really frustrated and cranky and we hit 34 on Saturday so suck on THAT, Auckland.

Kat - Yes. I remember you telling me. I was impressed but also a little scarred

Tooting2 - Will swap you in an instant, honest! You can keep your thermal undies, though. I find that they itch something fierce.