I want to make a complaint about the weather, but I don't know where to submit it. It isn't Metservice's fault and God doesn't have a mailing address and probably wouldn't appreciate a pissed-off prayer ("Dear Lord, why did You make it so fucking hot?"), and I can't really think of anyone else to blame. Mother Nature?
Dear Mother Nature:
Please make it be less hot and humid.
I can't sleep, even though I have tried everything from watching TV, to having a couple of glasses of wine, to taking off all my clothes and running through the house at speed to cool down by creating my own "wind chill factor."
Which totally works until you stop running, and then you're all sweaty so it's pretty self-defeating and also a bit gross and I'm not sure quite why I'm telling you this but it was quite possibly
In short, I am about as comfortable as this camel:
- or the giraffes that they airlifted through China under helicopters in 2012, although right now I wouldn't mind being dangled out of a helicopter, roaring through the frozen wastelands. It would be better than thrashing about trying to avoid coming into contact with this normally quite benign blanket that tonight is trying to warm me to death, safe in the knowledge that once it has subdued me, near the ceiling a mosquito is lurking.
Please make it stop - tomorrow morning at 9am I have to drive to a Greek fish shop and take a photo of a man who has won a leg of lamb. I would really, really like to have a nap before that unique experience.
Let's make a deal: if you make it less hot, I will
a) not litter for a week, not even mini-littering like accidentally dropped bus tickets and ATM receipts
b) start making the extra walk down the hallway to put my coffee cups in the recycling bin, not just the rubbish bin under my desk
c) be slightly less rude about environmentalists.
No? Alright then, time for Plan B.