Friday, February 11, 2011


Because it is almost Valentine's Day, this article has popped up. It lists the ten most romantic phrases EVER, as voted by people. Here they are. (The phrases, not the people. There were 2000 of them and we don't have that kind of time.)

You are maybe going to think I am a cynical douchebag for deromanticising these, and ok perhaps I'm not that romantic but at least I'm not as bad as that goddamn Interislander ad. It's on TV right now and oh, ewwww.

10. 'I hope before long to press you in my arms and shall shower on you a million burning kisses as under the Equator.'
- Napoleon Bonaparte's 1796 dispatch to wife Josephine.

Firstly, 'press you in my arms' would probably work better as 'hold you in my arms.' She's not a wrinkled sheet, dude. Showering of kisses generally ok, but I am taking issue with "a million burning kisses as under the Equator." Probably that would also be ok if I didn't know the definition of an Aussie Kiss, which is a French kiss, but Down Under.

Apologies to more delicate readers (all two of you), and I know that's not what Napoleon meant (I hope that's not what Napoleon meant), but because of the whole Aussie Kiss thing a burning kiss under the Equator just sounds a bit wrong to me. Ouch. Go away, Napoleon.

HOWEVER: extra ten romance points for being the only quotee with 'bone' in your name. Boning is super romantic.

9. 'But to see her was to love her, love but her, and love her forever.'
- Robert Burns

This, while romantic for him, must have been kind of inconvenient for her.
"Hello, I'm here about the part-time posi-" "OH MY GOD I MUST BE WITH YOU ALWAYS"

8. 'For you see, each day I love you more. Today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow.'
- Rosemonde Gerard

"Except for Tuesday. I actually loved you less on Tuesday. On Monday you were lovely and so polite to my mother, but on Tuesday you showed up late and drunk and refused to be quiet during New Zealand's Hottest Home Baker. Let's not have any more Tuesdays."

7. 'Grow old along with me! The best is yet to be.'
- Robert Browning

You know it's romance time! When poems start to rhyme.
Here are some other examples of romantic poems:

In your face such beauty rests! But I was looking at your breasts.

That time we kissed! I was so pissed. And that is why our faces missed.

Please don't leave me broken-hearted! I'm so sorry that I sharted.

Those were all by me. I should have made the list.

6. 'When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.'
- Captain Corelli's Mandolin


Also this doesn't really sound like love, it sounds like lust. Is lust a temporary madness? Yes. Yes it is. Often it is a 3am tequila madness but sometimes it lasts for weeks - "and he is so handsome, and he is so intelligent, and his band is so awesome, and he has got such nice tattoos, he did most of them himself because he is so talented and handsome..." NOT LOVE, PEOPLE.

I am not mentioning the bit about the eruption because I'm trying to be a grown-up this week.

5. 'You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better
than your dreams.'
- Dr. Seuss

That is actually a really sweet phrase but I'm still convinced nothing is ever going to be better than Andrea's dream where we were half-motorbike, half-dinosaur robot desert vigilantes.

4. 'He was my North, my South, my East and West, My working week and my Sunday rest, My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song; I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.'
- W.H. Auden

This is ok right up until the last part. "I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong."
Who the fuck voted this up to number 4? That's not romantic! That's like saying Old Yeller is the best happy dog story in the world and I think we all know what happens at the end of THAT. Spoiler Alert: You thought Old Yeller would last forever. You were wrong.

3. 'But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east and Juliet is the sun.'
- Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

"Shakespeare is romantic, I'm going to vote for this."

2. 'If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you.'
- A A Milne

No complaints. That should have been the top of the list. That is romantic as fuck.
Sorry, I mean romantic as 'making love.'

1. 'Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.'
- Emily Bronte

YAWN. If you put this in my Valentine's card I will definitely not sleep with you.


Amy said...

See, I thought Pooh should win too, but then I realised: who the hell is the exact same age as the person they're in love with? What if you're a month younger? Then if the person you love lives to be a hundred, you'll still have thirty days to go (or twenty nine, or twenty seven, but still not NONE), and then your plan has FAILED. But "I want you to live for ages but for me to die real quick the day before" isn't quite so lovely-sounding, is it?

IT IS ALLY said...

Amy - That's actually a REALLY good point. I guess I'm going to have to either spend the rest of my life looking for someone the exact same age as me, or else make sure I'm slightly less healthy than them and then, when I do go, rig my deathbed so that as I expire the ceiling falls on their head. That would be romantic, sort of.

Related: when I used to type up the death notices we'd get the occasional joint one for an elderly couple where one died then the other one just sort of gave up and went a few days afterwards. That was always quite sweet. In a morbid, death-y way.



IT IS ALLY said...

Clarification: everyone is allowed to write a novel in the comments, not just me. Sorry. That sounded RUDE.

Anonymous said...

#2 is nice and all, but when you think it through, add to quote " also so you can finally live out your necrophilia fantasy"

Also, "#2 is nice and all" is probably what some people are doing as a special valentines day treat.

IT IS ALLY said...

Anonymous - HAHAHAHAHAHA it's nice to see that somebody else is redefining romance this Valentine's. Remind me to be buried far away from you, facing - upwards? downwards? I don't even know any more.

Also I just remembered I have brass band on Valentines Day, that's not very romantic.

Michelle said...

I said number two to my husband once, thinking it was very sweet and romantic, and he said "how bloody selfish. what a stupid thing to say. you don't want to spend one day all lonely and sad so instead I have to do it."
and I thought, "good point."

Vancouver's Enviro Girl said...

Anyone who can work "sharted" into a Valentine's Day poem deserves their own internet show. Or at the very least, a round of applause from the ENTIRE internet.

Rob's Blockhead Blog said...

The Winnie the Pooh and Dr Suess ones aren't about romantic love, are they?

Yet they're probably the best ones there. Yeah, I know, some will go for the Romeo and Juliet thing, but look how that ended. Bloody fools.

If you want a better take on love in Romeo and Juliet, I'd plump for Mercutio's Queen Mab speech.

Stephen Stratford said...

"I am not mentioning the bit about the eruption because I'm trying to be a grown-up this week."

Also in #6 you didn't mention the bit about roots. Totally grown-up.

Phil said...

I once wrote a love poem:

You look cute
In your birthday suit.
How 'bout a root?

So why am I still single?

Molly said...

Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap!

I'm with VEG and here's your applause from my corner of the internets.

And cos I'm so grown up I won't say anything more about clap.

Em said...

Hehehe. You have captured the essence of valentines day for me. Now all I need is a soft toy and a single red rose. And a balloon.

Anonymous said...

Did Pooh say that to Christopher Robin or did the boy say it to the bear?

dbs said...

Now here's a romantic line: "if you were a library book I'd never take you back."

Troutie said...

The most romantic thing my boyfriend ever said to me was "If I spend the rest of my life with you I guess that's OK". I mean for fuck's sake, don't lay it on too thick I might actually mistake this for LOVE.

Vanessa Hutchinson said...

This post really cracked me up! Thanks for bringing Valentine's Day back to earth without whining about it.

Kristen said...

So, I'm really sorry you guys had that earthquake, but I'm really glad it made you write to Jenny and she posted it on thebloggess and now I get to read you. It's like when you get into a TV show three seasons in and you can just watch one episode after the other because you're catching up.

Only you're not a TV show, and this post made me laugh more than Friends ever did. So, in conclusion, boo earthquake, but yay you!

(God this was funny.)