Because it is almost Valentine's Day, this article has popped up. It lists the ten most romantic phrases EVER, as voted by people. Here they are. (The phrases, not the people. There were 2000 of them and we don't have that kind of time.)
You are maybe going to think I am a cynical douchebag for deromanticising these, and ok perhaps I'm not that romantic but at least I'm not as bad as that goddamn Interislander ad. It's on TV right now and oh, ewwww.
10. 'I hope before long to press you in my arms and shall shower on you a million burning kisses as under the Equator.'
- Napoleon Bonaparte's 1796 dispatch to wife Josephine.
Firstly, 'press you in my arms' would probably work better as 'hold you in my arms.' She's not a wrinkled sheet, dude. Showering of kisses generally ok, but I am taking issue with "a million burning kisses as under the Equator." Probably that would also be ok if I didn't know the definition of an Aussie Kiss, which is a French kiss, but Down Under.
Apologies to more delicate readers (all two of you), and I know that's not what Napoleon meant (I hope that's not what Napoleon meant), but because of the whole Aussie Kiss thing a burning kiss under the Equator just sounds a bit wrong to me. Ouch. Go away, Napoleon.
HOWEVER: extra ten romance points for being the only quotee with 'bone' in your name. Boning is super romantic.
9. 'But to see her was to love her, love but her, and love her forever.'
- Robert Burns
This, while romantic for him, must have been kind of inconvenient for her.
"Hello, I'm here about the part-time posi-" "OH MY GOD I MUST BE WITH YOU ALWAYS"
8. 'For you see, each day I love you more. Today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow.'
- Rosemonde Gerard
"Except for Tuesday. I actually loved you less on Tuesday. On Monday you were lovely and so polite to my mother, but on Tuesday you showed up late and drunk and refused to be quiet during New Zealand's Hottest Home Baker. Let's not have any more Tuesdays."
7. 'Grow old along with me! The best is yet to be.'
- Robert Browning
You know it's romance time! When poems start to rhyme.
Here are some other examples of romantic poems:
In your face such beauty rests! But I was looking at your breasts.
That time we kissed! I was so pissed. And that is why our faces missed.
Please don't leave me broken-hearted! I'm so sorry that I sharted.
Those were all by me. I should have made the list.
6. 'When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.'
- Captain Corelli's Mandolin
Also this doesn't really sound like love, it sounds like lust. Is lust a temporary madness? Yes. Yes it is. Often it is a 3am tequila madness but sometimes it lasts for weeks - "and he is so handsome, and he is so intelligent, and his band is so awesome, and he has got such nice tattoos, he did most of them himself because he is so talented and handsome..." NOT LOVE, PEOPLE.
I am not mentioning the bit about the eruption because I'm trying to be a grown-up this week.
5. 'You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better
than your dreams.'
- Dr. Seuss
That is actually a really sweet phrase but I'm still convinced nothing is ever going to be better than Andrea's dream where we were half-motorbike, half-dinosaur robot desert vigilantes.
4. 'He was my North, my South, my East and West, My working week and my Sunday rest, My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song; I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.'
- W.H. Auden
This is ok right up until the last part. "I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong."
Who the fuck voted this up to number 4? That's not romantic! That's like saying Old Yeller is the best happy dog story in the world and I think we all know what happens at the end of THAT. Spoiler Alert: You thought Old Yeller would last forever. You were wrong.
3. 'But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east and Juliet is the sun.'
- Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet
"Shakespeare is romantic, I'm going to vote for this."
2. 'If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you.'
- A A Milne
No complaints. That should have been the top of the list. That is romantic as fuck.
Sorry, I mean romantic as 'making love.'
1. 'Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.'
- Emily Bronte
YAWN. If you put this in my Valentine's card I will definitely not sleep with you.