Interview Tips

Hi everyone! This week blogging has fallen before the inexorable march of merzombies! moving and moving-related things like packing, which somehow I have still managed to avoid the bulk of despite the fact that I am moving tomorrow. Fuck.

In addition to moving, I have a job interview on Tuesday, so please cross your extremities for me (without affecting your ability to one day produce a family, although if you want to make that kind of sacrifice then, well, your call).

I know you're not meant to but I'm actually really looking forward to the interview -have spent the last 2 months doing nothing more professional than attempting to put on pants on the weekdays, so it'll be nice to return to the world of corporate frivolity, as pictured below:

The people who make stock photos have obviously never had an office job.
(Alternate caption: three of the more sarcastic responses to the March budget.)

I mean, yes, it's more likely that I'll abandon professionalism in favour of snorting mid-laugh and finding it appropriate to break into 'Boats & Hoes' when faced with a behavioural question, but, you know, fingers crossed anyway.

Actually, I'm going to make myself a checklist of things not to do, so I can read through it on Tuesday morning. You're welcome to apply this list to your own interviews, too! It is universal.

Things To Avoid In Job Interviews

• novelty songs, no matter how relevant they may appear
  
  
• playing interesting games with yourself ("Can I answer the next question in iambic pentameter without anyone noticing?" "Can I slip the word 'synchronicity' into my five-year plan?")
  
  
• trying to establish whether or not the interviewers are fluent in Cockney rhyming slang ("Well, I love the sound of the dog's knob, but the pay's a bit Brad Pitt, isn't it?")
  
  
• flirting, unless the job is at an escort agency or similar
  
  
• removing items of clothing, unless the job is at an escort agency or similar
  
  
• making jokes about either of the above two points
  
  
• bringing your own visual aids ("My strengths? Well, I'm glad you asked. Allow me to show you a flow chart I prepared earlier") unless the visual aids are, I don't know. Painted on the side of an eagle. Oh man, I wish I had an eagle for this. Does anyone want to lend me an eagle? No? How about a hawk? Then after I tell a completely irrelevant, rambling story about a work party I went to on a boat (complete with rendition of 'Boats & Hoes') I could whip out the hawk, point it straight across the desk down the barrel of the interviewers, cough, and say, "...hawkward."
  
  And then leave.
  

I will let you know how I get on.