Sunday, April 03, 2011

Interview Tips

Hi everyone! This week blogging has fallen before the inexorable march of merzombies! moving and moving-related things like packing, which somehow I have still managed to avoid the bulk of despite the fact that I am moving tomorrow. Fuck.

In addition to moving, I have a job interview on Tuesday, so please cross your extremities for me (without affecting your ability to one day produce a family, although if you want to make that kind of sacrifice then, well, your call).

I know you're not meant to but I'm actually really looking forward to the interview -have spent the last 2 months doing nothing more professional than attempting to put on pants on the weekdays, so it'll be nice to return to the world of corporate frivolity, as pictured below:
The people who make stock photos have obviously never had an office job.
(Alternate caption: three of the more sarcastic responses to the March budget.)

I mean, yes, it's more likely that I'll abandon professionalism in favour of snorting mid-laugh and finding it appropriate to break into 'Boats & Hoes' when faced with a behavioural question, but, you know, fingers crossed anyway.

Actually, I'm going to make myself a checklist of things not to do, so I can read through it on Tuesday morning. You're welcome to apply this list to your own interviews, too! It is universal.

Things To Avoid In Job Interviews
  • novelty songs, no matter how relevant they may appear

  • playing interesting games with yourself ("Can I answer the next question in iambic pentameter without anyone noticing?" "Can I slip the word 'synchronicity' into my five-year plan?")

  • trying to establish whether or not the interviewers are fluent in Cockney rhyming slang ("Well, I love the sound of the dog's knob, but the pay's a bit Brad Pitt, isn't it?")

  • flirting, unless the job is at an escort agency or similar

  • removing items of clothing, unless the job is at an escort agency or similar

  • making jokes about either of the above two points

  • bringing your own visual aids ("My strengths? Well, I'm glad you asked. Allow me to show you a flow chart I prepared earlier") unless the visual aids are, I don't know. Painted on the side of an eagle. Oh man, I wish I had an eagle for this. Does anyone want to lend me an eagle? No? How about a hawk? Then after I tell a completely irrelevant, rambling story about a work party I went to on a boat (complete with rendition of 'Boats & Hoes') I could whip out the hawk, point it straight across the desk down the barrel of the interviewers, cough, and say, "...hawkward."

    And then leave.

I will let you know how I get on.


Josh said...

Don't laugh at accidental innuendo.

You are much more imaginative that most so you'll probably have to explain the joke and then one thing will lead to another and suddenly you'll find yourself drawing diagrams on the whiteboard describing the art of Bukkake

IT IS ALLY said...

Oh God, I can absolutely imagine doing that.

Also: "don't mention eel porn. no matter how much you know about it and/or how interesting it is as a digression."

Actually, not mentioning porn of any kind is probably a pretty good idea.

Some people say 'imagine the interviewer naked' like in public speaking but I tend to get all distracted

chris.dadness said...

Imagine a naked eel. Like, totes nekked-ass naked. And when they ask "do you have any questions" try to have one ready. Those are my 2 tips.

IT IS ALLY said...

Those are both EXCELLENT tips. Especially the one about the question. Slight chance for things to go wrong when I become confused and ask a question about a naked eel, but relatively unlikely. I hope.

Johi said...

If I had a belt buckle with a raptor of some sort on it, I would send it to you to wear at your interview. Alas, I don't.
I wish you luck!

Michelle said...

he he 'hawkward'. laughed so hard I had a coughing fit.

Good luck! *crosses things*

wv: kersyt: exclamation of annoyance generally uttered when one realises one has mentioned both eel porn and boats&hoes in a job interview

Em said...

Or, just a thought, you might want to say nothing. Nod your head a lot and steeple your fingers under your chin. Have you got a pipe? That would be a good accessory. Then there will be no hawkwardness.

Good luck!

tennysoneehemingway said...

Oh, you're hired. I love Hawkwind. Oh, did you say hawkward? Well then, good day to you sir. I SAID GOOD DAY, SIR.

Anonymous said...

You may think it's a stock photo, but I think the guy on the left with the sarcastic fist pump about the budget is John Campbell.

Neha said...

Nice idea .......but since these tips are out I think the interviewer will be on the look out such things.