Wieners of the Week(end)

Oh yes, people. It's time. Time for a new crop of weiners!

Anthony Weiner

I'm sure you all know the story, but US Congressman Anthony Weiner is in trouble after he sent a picture of his surname to a young lady on Twitter.

His highly original panic mechanism of claiming his account had been hacked and saying the wiener "didn't look familiar" (known as the 'Officer, I swear it's not mine' defence) failed spectacularly and he eventually admitted that the wiener in question was, in fact, his.

Here is Weiner's Wiener, just because it hasn't had quite enough exposure:

You'd think if you were going to be sexting people you'd put some nicer undies on.

Newsrooms worldwide dissolved into helpless giggles and started thinking of headlines (my favourites: Mounting Pressure on Weiner and Weiner: I'll Stick It Out) and once again the thing your mother always says about pictures on the Internet never going away was proven true.

You have to feel a bit sorry for him, though; this would've died down much faster if his name was Anthony Smith.


Two-lane Wieners

Two lanes come up to an intersection. Both lanes go straight ahead. I took the lane less travelled, and it made me an enormous fucking wiener, because right after the intersection, these lanes merge into one.

Those people who scoot up the not-full lane, knowing full well that after the intersection you're going to have to let them merge in a full 10 cars ahead of where they should be? Wieners.


Escalator Huffers

This is my name for people who charge up escalators as though they're climbing Mt Everest and, because it is often difficult to overtake on an escalator, reach the step behind you and stand there huffing angrily because you're not plowing up the escalator like you're a bison in heat and there is an attractive lady bison standing at the top fluttering her bison eyelashes at you.

Hello, boys.

Sorry about the weird bison analogy and forgive me if I'm getting this wrong, but the entire point of an escalator is that you don't have to walk.

Yes, I will rush up escalators if I'm late, and I guess other people will too, but if someone's standing still on the escalator then just accept that. You're the one who's being weird, Escalator Running Man.


Z Energy

Z is a new NZ energy company whose mission statement is essentially, "Petrol stations are run by multi-nationals? Man, fuck that". Which I'm ok with. Not so cool? Their TV ad, where 'we're moving the call centre back home' is represented by a shot of smiling white people snatching headsets from sad-looking Asian heads.

Guys? Guys, we have Asian New Zealanders.


Self-styled Social Media Experts (who Aren't)

I have ranted before about people who have a blog and therefore feel obliged to introduce themselves as writers, but it's now moved on and the hot new thing is referring to yourself as a Social Media Guru'.

I'm not saying there aren't many people out there who are bonafide social media experts, as well as many people with an interest in and good knowledge of social media, but those aren't the same thing.

"Oh, I'm a social media expert and online entrepreneur, I'm currently-"
"Pardon? Pardon, Horace? Aren't you an equine groomer to the stars?"
"WELL YES BUT-"

No, Horace! No but!

I think unless something is your profession (the thing you get paid to do) then in general you shouldn't be introducing yourself as it. By all means chuck it in there ("I'm a gardener, but I'm starting up my own business as a social media consultant") but come on, we all know you're the professional equivalent of the guy who tells everyone he's a musician but actually only plays the guitar. To pick up chicks. When he's not on shift at Burger King.

Social media consultants also bug me, because often it seems like the only qualification is 'having used social media a bit'. I used to sell advertising, I buy things that have advertising campaigns... and therefore I am a marketing consultant! No.

Most consultants either have qualifications in the area or extensive experience working in that field. You have a Twitter account and once set up a Facebook page for your nana, and now you want to charge me $400 for a social media campaign? No.

Because you can write out own deposit slips at the bank you're an economist!
Because you cut your own toenails you're a doctor! No.

Also, I can't take self-styled social media gurus seriously because the guru word makes it impossible to picture without seeing them in a turban, atop a pile of enlightened Facebook statuses with the Twitter mascot sitting peacefully on one finger and an SEO cloud spinning gently about their head.

I made some rules about when you're not a social media expert:

• Just because you have a Twitter, a Facebook, a blog and are beta-testing three new social media platforms, you are not a social media expert. I have many clothes but this doesn't make me a stylist.
  
• Blogging about social media doesn't make you a social media expert. Sometimes I blog about making jam.
• Someone well-known on Twitter retweeting you does not automatically make you a social media expert.
• You are not a social media expert just because you spend a lot of time on the internet, in the same way that you are not a sex therapist because you watch a lot of porn.
  

Say you understand social media, say you enjoy social media, say you use social media, say social media gives you a massive U.S. Congressman Anthony but come on.

Wieners.