Thursday, December 08, 2011

Wieners of the Week (Month)

Man I have not blogged in AGES. Sorry about that.

Here's a new crop of Wieners of the Week, which should probably be Wieners of the Month. Up to you. They're your wieners.

Eduardo - Eduardo is a miniature kune kune house-pig! Currently he exists only in the minds of our flatmates, but if he existed in reality he would look like this:

Or possibly like this:

I know. You are wondering how such a blatantly delightful little beast could be a wiener of the week. It is because he has caused RUCTIONS. Flat ructions. Here is how we all feel about the Eduardo:

Fleur: came up with the whole idea. Has visions of joyous pig-gruntlings dancing in her head. Imagines us tucked up on the couch on a Sunday night watching Downton Abbey, Eduardo nestled between us, little piggy snout resting gently in a half-eaten avocado.

Ben: has had a house-pig before, but a full-sized one. It was called Mr Pig and he used to condition it in the bath, "so it was cuddly". Ben backs the idea of Eduardo but in a slightly more practical fashion, mentioning things like calling other people who have bought Eduardos to ensure that their pig, three years on, is still a miniature pig. (We do not want to purchase a masquerading piglet that then becomes enormous).

HB: thinks that miniature pigs, even ones as sweet as Eduardo, should live outside. He does not seem to realise that this invalidates the entire purpose of a house-pig. HB has visions of coming home to a bathroom floor covered in suds and pig dirt, with Ben sitting in the bath with Eduardo, joyously shampooing his (Eduardo's) hair and singing a little pig song - while in the other room Fleur throws out the remnants of the shoes Eduardo has destroyed and cleans up the many, many messes of Eduardo.

HB is probably right.

Sausage Korma - This is what we had for dinner on Tuesday. We should have gone to the supermarket.

Mmmm, delicious.

It was actually quite nice, but we should probably still have gone to the supermarket.

iPhone Autocorrect - It always corrects 'its' to 'it's', regardless of grammatical correctness. (If anyone comments to say "But shouldn't it always be it's?" then you aren't allowed to read my blog any more.) The other, more puzzling autocorrect is that 'reading' always becomes 'Reading'. While I am sure Reading the place is very nice, I do get a little more use out of reading, the verb.

As a side note to that, Internet Explorer's habit of announcing, "You've opened a new tab!" is also fairly wienerish. I know, IE. This is not a surprise to me! I did it! Just then! On purpose!

Our Office - Not the people in the office, most of whom are quite pleasant, but the office itself. Many people and computers plus a small space and no aircon has managed to transform the whole floor into some sort of wonderful holiday resort for bugs. They come into the building up the nose of someone from editing, step outside into the office and think, "Cor, ain't it luvverly in 'ere!" (They are sort of Cockney germs.) And then they set up camp in the keyboards and the telephones and the air conditioning vents, and mutate into larger, better versions of themselves, and as they stand around at their weekly Germ Life Coaching meeting, congratulating one another on the life they've built for their children in this carpet-walled utopia, I begin to sneeze.

We had a Health and Safety person come round once, but as soon as she stepped inside the office her head started to spin around and ectoplasm shot out of her nose.

Library Toilet Chatter - this was a woman who had obviously decided to be polite and not answer her phone in the middle of the library - which I approve of - but for some reason had ducked into the bathroom, thus creating a very odd social situation which ended up with me sitting in a stall for 30 seconds counting my fingers, then going to the downstairs loo.

The Takahe - it is an endangered New Zealand bird. It is, in fact, so endangered that it thinks it's entitled to eat other birds. It ate a duckling. I realise that duckling are not endangered and takahe are and circle of life, blah blah, but a duckling? That bird is a jerk. There is an article about this hideous act of birder (bird-on-bird murder), if you need more information. The headline is "Footage emerges of bird eating another bird" and I think this is the best headline ever. It's so... tabloidy.

That is all the wieners we have time for today! Because I have to go to work, and also nag HB about buying a bucket to put the Christmas tree in. He is handsome, but not very good at remembering to buy buckets.


Helen Vivienne Fletcher said...

I wonder if the woman on the phone in the library toilets was the same one I came across in the Wellington Library bathroom. She seemed to think because I couldn't see her, I couldn't hear her either, but she was having a very "private" conversation about a medication and its awful side-effects. I think in the end I decided I didn't need to pee that badly.

LucyDanger said...

I think it is in terrible taste to have paragraph about Eduardo followed by paragraph about sausage korma. Shame on you, Alice Mullord.

SueAnn said...

You had me laughing hysterically!! Coffee all over my keyboard!! Ha!
Eduardo sounds like the almost perfect pet...but boy does he sound messy!!
The sausages did not look appetizing!!
The lady in the loo...well she is probably still there!!
Hugs to you
Great post

Phil said...

Hey - missed you. BTW - are you stil blogging for TV3? Re Pigs - I hear that Vietnamese pot bellied miniature pigs are fab pets.

chris.dadness said...

Sigh. I typed a comment with five separate points I wanted to make. And somehow I lost it. I know none of them related to the Eduardo.

The only bit is I recall is that I love the word 'footage', especially when I can apply it to films of manual activity. For one of our projects (client is a certifiable loon) we ended up with about two hours of hand footage.

Holly said...

The mental image of Eduardo the pig in the bath with conditioner is hilarious, and the piglet in the second photo is extremely cute. I want one. I think.

da said...

Sweet the way you managed to mention you now own an iPhone.

Michelle said...

I think its time to ditch Handsome Boyfriend, as there's not enough Ally's comedy gold in my life at present. Sorry HB.

wv: stingu: Pingu got an ouchie

Jo said...

For what it's worth, I once lived in a house with both a large dog and a small pig. The dog and pig were best friends; used to take their morning constitutionals in the garden together, then snuggle on the couch. It was like living in Cute Overload all the time.

Gia said...

Damn I want an iphone. I've been reading lots of damnyouautocorrect, so I'm TOTALLY prepared to own one now. It's/its is super annoying. Just don't tell me it changes "too" to "to" automatically as well. Can't handle that.

Ian Howarth said...

If you're using Internet Explorer there is a chance you may be a wiener.