Sunday, April 22, 2012

New Bathroom Spider

Note to more sensitive readers: while this post is about spiders, it does not contain any pictures of them.

Ever since moving into our new house, HB and I have had a bathroom spider.  It is Trite Planiceps, a common jumping spider.  It does not make webs, and it is territorial.  The territorial-ness of it means that every so often suddenly we have a NEW bathroom spider, and I get very excited and compare New Bathroom Spider to Old Bathroom Spider (R.I.P.) and HB rolls his eyes a little and wonders why he shacked up with me in the first place if all I am ever going to be doing is running into the bedroom shouting excitedly about spiders.

My favourite bathroom spider was Old One-Leg, who was there for ages (I think it was him all along, they all sort of look the same) then lost one of his front legs in a spider-on-spider shower battle which I was lucky enough to witness.  I was in the shower and looked up to see gladiatorial spiders, locked in a deadly embrace!  I would've gone and got the camera to show you, but I was all covered in soap. As a mark of respect, I even washed the body of the vanquished spider down the drain. 

Sadly, a couple of weeks later, Old One-Leg was replaced by Little New Spider, who was both little and new, and had all of his legs. This wasn't enough to keep him from being swiftly taken out by New Spider, who was bigger and, it turns out, a raging fuckwit.

In general, I have a healthy respect for Bathroom Spider (Trite Planiceps).  I don't poke him with a bit of dental floss, and in return he doesn't hide then crawl up my butt when I am on the toilet.  I look at him curiously and he waves his legs at me and all is well with the world.

Not New Jerk Spider.  New Jerk Spider is above any sort of treaty.  I found this out when yesterday I had a shower and when I hopped out, he was on my towel.  There is nothing quite like hopping out of the shower and reaching for your towel, while thinking about how clean and refreshed you feel and how you could really go for a bagel but maybe we don't have any cream cheese, then AACCKKK FUCK SPIDER ON MY TOWEL WHY IS HE THERE WHAT DO I DO?

"Okay," you think, "the spider is on my towel."  Not, 'There is a spider on my towel,' because you know exactly which spider it is.  

"Stay calm.  Move the spider off the towel.  Move him with... a toothbrush!"

"No, not MY toothbrush!  Move him with HB's toothbrush." 

So you move the spider with HB's toothbrush and the spider does not want to move but eventually he does because he sees the cold gleam of death in your eyes, and then you shake your towel for five minutes and think, "Well, that was kind of weird," and get on with your day.


The next day you go into the bathroom and you sit down to do a wee and you reach for the toilet paper AND THE SPIDER IS ON THE TOILET PAPER.

After a comical scene which I shall spare you but which involved a backwards waddle over to the bathroom cupboard (backwards because of keeping an eye on the spider), I went back with a piece of paper and a glass because I really felt that this whole bathroom-sharing thing wasn't working out between us and it was time for a new Trite Planiceps to move in.


There is no moral to this story except that until I find him I am going to the downstairs toilet.  


Ian Howarth said...

Perhaps RF Spider had just gone number 1 as well. And was being hygienic. Or perhaps it was a polite spider way of trying to hand you the toilet paper. And the towel, in fact.

And remember you can't assume it's a he.

IT IS ALLY said...

I very much like the concept of spider politeness, as opposed to spider aggression. Thank you - may venture back to upstairs bathroom!

Re: spider gender - I did some Googling and the ladies have different legs to the men (just like with people). I'm pretty sure he's a he.

cerebral e said...

Oh my God you are out of cream cheese? First Marmite and now cream cheese. Is there anything you New Zealanders are not asked to endure.

PS going for a blind date with a Kiwi this evening. Must remember to be on best behaviour and not start copying his eccent.

IT IS ALLY said...

We are out of cream cheese! Just the house though, not the country. And the supermarket is 3 minutes drive from home so we haven't called Civil Defence quite yet.

Disagree on the accent - I find nothing adds romance quite like two people shouting "Fush and chups!" "Feesh and cheeps!" at each other for hours.

Good luck for the date :) Hope it goes well and he is both handsome and intelligent.

anna said...

There was/is a terrible childrens' book about a spider in the shower (short story shorter: lions are scared of spiders; roosters aren't, sounds straightforward but TRUST ME ON THIS ONE it wasn't). To this day it makes me feel bathroom arachnids are the most pernicious and terrifying. That and I'm most vulnerable when my pants are down.

You are a brave lady for even contemplating some kind of peace accord with bathroom spiders.

alejandro said...

i dont really like these. send free text messages at

Anonymous said...

happy birthday! my daughter had a bathroom spider for years, which i now realize may have been several bathroom spiders. she had a "you dont mess with me, i dont mess with you" relationship that worked great. one day, bathroom spider was gone and she was kinda sad about it. thank you for sharing your BR spider story.

Andrea Eames said...

Careful - spiders are vengeful.


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