Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Link. Me. In.

“Stop seducing me with the cricket and put something else at the top of the page,” says Anonymous.

fuck you, I’m a cicada

Alright, Anonymous.  I shall attempt to remember a) that this blog is not about cricket* and b) not to freak out about anonymous comments, because they aren't necessarily going to be mean.  Mostly they are people who wish for me to blog more yet do not wish to reveal their true identity, to which I reply: quality not quantity, but mostly neither, and also, are you a superhero? I shall assume.  

On a related note (quantity, not superheroes), future productivity is not looking rosy: I’ve moved into a new role at work which is going to eat my time like a baby eats molasses (badly, messily, enthusiastically, to the horror of everyone around it).  I won't go into detail here because I try to keep my professional life and my writing about butt plugs life vaguely separate, but what I will talk about is the sudden need to update my Linkedin profile so it has some vague relevance to what I actually do.

Starting with the profile picture.

LINKED IN TO FUCKING WHAT, IS MY QUESTION.  At this point I appear to be linked in to the occasional “Colleague McWorkmate would like to be your LinkedIn friend, I mean connection because this is the professional part of the Internet” request.  

Sometimes I get endorsed, which is always as lovely as it is startling, and sometimes I’m encouraged to congratulate one of my connections on something they have achieved, which seems pointless as if we are close enough friends that I would say "Hey, great skills upgrade, you must be counting down the spreadsheets until you are a Level Three Excel Wizard" or however the fuck these things are measured, surely I would've already said congratulations in person, or on Facebook.

Are you sure you want to exit the wizard?

I recently joined a Linkedin Group and now I am linked in to getting more email notifications from Linked In.  

It's all very exciting but unfortunately I am not enough of a grown up to use Linked In properly.  I don't even have a profile picture.  I can’t even remember how many words "Linked In" is supposed to be. I’m like a grandmother referring to the Book of Faces and the Googler.  Fuck.  

Luckily Linkedin isn’t the first thing that pops up when you Google me, though!  That’s my Twitter profile.

Yeah, that's much better.

Anyway, I need to update my Linked In profile so it’s no longer a photo-less monstrosity with a job title that was correct three job titles ago, because if I don’t, apparently my career will hurtle irretrievably down the toilet.  And also because all of my friends, I mean connections, have photos and I feel like a bit of a knob. A knob pointing directly at the career toilet. This is not the sort of knob I wish to be, professionally speaking.

So I googled how to fix my shit on Linkedin and these two articles gave me some wonderful advice, which I plan to use to make my Linkedin profile a thing of beauty and a joy forever!  Here are my two favourite pieces of the advice.

Apart from, "Stop doing this."

First piece of advice: include a 'jaw-dropping headline in your LinkedIn profile summary.'  Here are two examples of how you can do that, straight from the article:


I intend to combine the two above with “IS IT EVEN LEGAL TO FLUSH RED HOT LEADS DOWN THE TOILET?”  I feel this would certainly pique the reader’s interest, especially if the reader were a plumber.

Second piece of advice: Don’t just use your job title, but also don’t just describe your wacky antics. The best bet, [expert] says, is to find a middle ground. How about “Dynamic sales manager and risk-taking skydive enthusiast?’"  How about that!  How about that indeed.  How about that for someone I would never want to work with ever.

You have 120 characters,” [expert] says, “Make the most of them. If you can Tweet, you can write a creative headline that gets to the point."

I’ll let you know how it goes.

*but if it was, this would be a good time to talk about the Black Caps – sorry, BLACKCAPS** – magnificent defeat of India in the first ODI.  But it isn't, so I won't.

**why does it have to be in all capitals? Are they writing their Linkedin profile?  


cerebral e said...

How dare you not provide me with free entertainment on a more frequent basis, about non-cricket topics.

My linkedin thingger is a mix of "shit haiku blogger" and "serious doctor of death, ageing and other seriousness", because clearly the shit bloggers were into linkedin way before the serious doctor crowd.

IT IS ALLY said...

cE - I know! I know. It's almost like no-one pays me for doing this. Sheesh. (The nagging is actually quite good as I'm easily guilt-tripped and it spurs me into bloggy action).

I think it would be wisest to keep my blogging out of my linkedin... although pride in blog sometimes threatens to outweigh need for professionalism. SERIOUS HAIKU DOCTOR

Anonymous said...

I was one of those earnest types that took LinkedIn terribly seriously.

Diligently filled it in like I prepare a CV for a job application.

Now, I really don't see the point? I keep being recommended jobs like "CEO of BlaBah Scientific Type International Corporation", or "National Account Manager with a wine corporate company" (well I DO like wine).

I'm a reference librarian, with a background in design and print - how are those jobs relevant to me?

Then there is the ability to see some of the people who have been stalking (I mean looking at) your profile - spooky, but why?

Sometimes you are endorsed by people who don't know you, for skills you don't have.

- Haven't updated in forever, not sure I can quite bring myself to delete though.

chris rees said...

LinkedIn is the Lions Club of the new millenium; except as far as I know they never get together to build a playground.

Anonymous said...

Should also mention that I am happy in my current position - so didn't join LinkedIn to look for a job, but to network with people in similar fields. and raise my profile.

That said, I do keep an eye on job opportunities, - cos you never know what exciting things are on the horizon - that seriously cool job for megabucks for example :-)

rageaholic said...

I plan to stay at my current job forever just so I never have to create a Linked In account.
You might think I'm joking but I'm not.

Stephen Stratford said...

Welcome back. So, so welcome back. This has made my day.

Though, as I have children and it's school holidays, it doesn't take much to make my day. But still, welcome back.

Anonymous said...

ooh linkedin, very postmodern.
happy to be a muse, it's only fair.
two-nill now.
bring on the tests.

Anonymous said...

ooh linkedin, very postmodern.
happy to be a muse; it's only fair.
two-nill now.
bring on the tests.

Anonymous said...

ugh gross confused by a bot

Anonymous said...

Genebrarian - Firstly, I am assuming you are a reference librarian who is also a genie. I haven't been recommended any random jobs yet (or, in fact, any at all) but do find the "people who have viewed your profile" quite unsettling; it also completely puts me off ever viewing anyone else's profile in case they see that I HAVE, which sort of seems to defeat the whole purpose of a networking site. Hmmm.

Chris - I wish they sold little tubes of mints for 10c. The Blenheim Library had a never-ending supply of those at the front desk & during my childhood, if I had been a good library-visitor Mum would buy me a packet. Usually from a librarian named Gary. I was almost locked in the Blenheim library once as had hunkered down with a book and was missed by the 'kicking people out librarian' (not Gary) - was only when they turned the lights off that I presented myself at the front counter to be let out. Aaaaand that's the library reminiscing done for the day.

Rageaholic! That actually sounds fairly reasonable. What happened to the days of "submit a CV, hear back within a reasonable timeframe, have an interview, don't mention LinkedIn" ? Bleh, technology.

Stephen - Thank you! Am pleased to make anyone's day no matter how low the bar is set.

Anon - SUCH A MUSE. Only I don't know if you're the SAME Anonymous. That applies to all three of you. And also me, now.

- Ally

Travis Hoani said...

I enjoyed that blog, Ally. Haven't read it for a while, (because I'm incredibly busy and important) but I have to agree with your Linkedin sentiments. I want to receive e-mails from groups I'm allegedly interested in, yet I really want an assistant to check their validity and have them arrive in their inbox rather than mine - any volunteers? (Dammit, another one just flashed up now!)

Travis Hoani said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Travis Hoani said...

Because I struggle with touch pads and tend to double click, when I'm really aiming for a scrolling motion.

Michelle the Haiku UnDoctor said...

Oh my god, you're back
Nearly crapped my pants with joy.
(Not a doctor, yet)