“Stop seducing me with the cricket and put something else at the top of the page,” says Anonymous.
fuck you, I’m a cicada
Alright, Anonymous. I shall attempt to remember a) that this blog is not about cricket* and b) not to freak out about anonymous comments, because they aren't necessarily going to be mean. Mostly they are people who wish for me to blog more yet do not wish to reveal their true identity, to which I reply: quality not quantity, but mostly neither, and also, are you a superhero? I shall assume.
On a related note (quantity, not superheroes), future productivity is not looking rosy: I’ve moved into a new role at work which is going to eat my time like a baby eats molasses (badly, messily, enthusiastically, to the horror of everyone around it). I won't go into detail here because I try to keep my professional life and my writing about butt plugs life vaguely separate, but what I will talk about is the sudden need to update my Linkedin profile so it has some vague relevance to what I actually do.
Starting with the profile picture.
LINKED IN TO FUCKING WHAT, IS MY QUESTION. At this point I appear to be linked in to the occasional “Colleague McWorkmate would like to be your LinkedIn friend, I mean connection because this is the professional part of the Internet” request.
Sometimes I get endorsed, which is always as lovely as it is startling, and sometimes I’m encouraged to congratulate one of my connections on something they have achieved, which seems pointless as if we are close enough friends that I would say "Hey, great skills upgrade, you must be counting down the spreadsheets until you are a Level Three Excel Wizard" or however the fuck these things are measured, surely I would've already said congratulations in person, or on Facebook.
Are you sure you want to exit the wizard?
I recently joined a Linkedin Group and now I am linked in to getting more email notifications from Linked In.
It's all very exciting but unfortunately I am not enough of a grown up to use Linked In properly. I don't even have a profile picture. I can’t even remember how many words "Linked In" is supposed to be. I’m like a grandmother referring to the Book of Faces and the Googler. Fuck.
Luckily Linkedin isn’t the first thing that pops up when you Google me, though! That’s my Twitter profile.
Sometimes it's hard to do work instead of tweeting about bullshit
— Ally Mullord (@Tarquin_Death) November 26, 2013
Yeah, that's much better.
Anyway, I need to update my Linked In profile so it’s no longer a photo-less monstrosity with a job title that was correct three job titles ago, because if I don’t, apparently my career will hurtle irretrievably down the toilet. And also because all of my friends, I mean connections, have photos and I feel like a bit of a knob. A knob pointing directly at the career toilet. This is not the sort of knob I wish to be, professionally speaking.
So I googled how to fix my shit on Linkedin and these two articles gave me some wonderful advice, which I plan to use to make my Linkedin profile a thing of beauty and a joy forever! Here are my two favourite pieces of the advice.
I'm making a spreadsheet! Help
— Ally Mullord (@Tarquin_Death) November 13, 2012
Apart from, "Stop doing this."
First piece of advice: include a 'jaw-dropping headline in your LinkedIn profile summary.' Here are two examples of how you can do that, straight from the article:
“IS IT EVEN LEGAL TO SAVE SO MUCH ON CAR INSURANCE?” and “YOU ARE FLUSHING RED HOT LEADS DOWN THE TOILET!”
I intend to combine the two above with “IS IT EVEN LEGAL TO FLUSH RED HOT LEADS DOWN THE TOILET?” I feel this would certainly pique the reader’s interest, especially if the reader were a plumber.
Second piece of advice: Don’t just use your job title, but also don’t just describe your wacky antics. “The best bet, [expert] says, is to find a middle ground. How about “Dynamic sales manager and risk-taking skydive enthusiast?’" How about that! How about that indeed. How about that for someone I would never want to work with ever.
“You have 120 characters,” [expert] says, “Make the most of them. If you can Tweet, you can write a creative headline that gets to the point."
IIIII'VE GOT A MEETING AND IIIII CAN'T BE BOTHERED #professional
— Ally Mullord (@Tarquin_Death) November 10, 2013
I’ll let you know how it goes.
*but if it was, this would be a good time to talk about the Black Caps – sorry, BLACKCAPS** – magnificent defeat of India in the first ODI. But it isn't, so I won't.
**why does it have to be in all capitals? Are they writing their Linkedin profile?