Monday, March 14, 2016

Tinder Tales: Advice for Gentlemen Tinderers

Note: if you are averse to the phrase "sea of pussy" then this is not the post for you. 

Hello everyone!  In a move which will surprise absolutely nobody, I got Tinder.  Through this experience I have learnt that over the last 10 years there has been absolutely no improvement in my attention span or taste in men.  Present me with five sensible, good-looking businessmen and I will still swipe right on the naked dude on a jet ski because of course I will.

As a result of my tinder adventures, here are some tips that I have put together for men who are considering tindering.  There are so many appalling profiles out there that I am considering this a public service.  A scathing, judgmental public service.

Also, there is one tip for the ladies: if a gentleman has has his snapchat in his tinder profile he is not, in fact, a gentleman.

  • I gather that women don't often send the first message on tinder, and this has given rise to a subgroup of men who end their profile with, "I won't send the first message" or - direct quote - "I like a strong women so I won't message first."  Oh well this is good to know because I like a polite man, so won't message at all!

    I usually read "I won't send the first message" as "...because I am simply too busy drowning in this massive sea of pussy," written while rapidly casting about for enough liquid-state pussy to fill a small wine glass.

Rupert rowed his knob-canoe across the undulating waves of the great Sea of Pussy.

  • Side note: why is it 'a sea of pussy'?  You don't say 'a forest of cocks', although I am certainly going to now.  "How is dating going?"  "LOST IN A FOREST OF COCKS."

    Also if we're going to be saying 'a sea of pussy', why haven't we tacked it onto other phrases, like, for example, "there's plenty more fish in the sea (of pussy)"?

    It even translates across to classical literature, like The Old Man and the Sea (of Pussy) and of course the lyrics of America The Beautiful.  From sea to shining sea!  Of pussy.

    Wow, that went off topic fast.  Anyway.  Back to tinder tips. Just the tips!  Of the forest of cocks.  Help me I'm stuck in a loop.

Stop imagining the tips.

  • Do not make your profile photo a picture of you and a monkey that looks like you.

  • Also do not make it a photo of you looking staunch beside a monkey which is touching its balls.  (His balls.)  You think I'm kidding.  I am not kidding.  Somewhere out there are two men who, when looking through all the photos of them ever taken and choosing the one they would use to represent them in a romantic context, got to the monkey photo and went, "Of course!  That one."

  • PICTURES OF FISH.  Jesus fucking Christ I have seen enough pictures of men holding fish to last me a lifetime. (Pro tip for the ladies with a fish fetish: get on Tinder.)   It is delightful that at some point in your life you have hunter gathered but that is not what ladies look at tinder profiles for; please allow me to demonstrate my thought process when swiping through photos.

    "He's cute." *swipe*
    "Oh actually he's really cute" *swipe*
    "I would totally make out with him" *swipe*

    Nothing kills daydreaming about a total stranger faster than a picture of the total stranger brandishing a surprise bleeding kahawai.  Granted there must be some women who are all about the fishing, but it's a niche market.  I pick up spiders in a glass and put them outside, and I'm sure some men would find this charming, but I don't have a picture of it on my tinder.

  • On a similar note, if you have a photo of your car in your tinder, make sure it is a nice car.  Few women have swooned over an early 90s Lancer.  My mother drives one of those.  If it's a car that you can imagine my mother driving, it is not what one would term a 'pussy wagon'.

we build this City on hope and stupidity

  • Also a note to the ladies that if someone has a really nicely done up WRX, this is not a good reason to swipe right, particularly if they are 19 and their bio is "6 foot 6 inches... those are two separate measurements ;) "

    Actually that's mostly just a note to me.
help his name is dwayne but i can't stop swiping

  • Don't say tinderella.  Even if you are cuter than your WRX is.

  • Don't say 'tinderfella looking for his tinderella'.  It does not improve 'tinderella' one bit.  Maybe just leave out all permutations of 'tinderella'.

  • If there is a child in one of your photos, explain the child.  Is this your child?  That's cool.  Is it a delightful nephew? That's cool too.  Is it a random kid you've appropriated specifically to display your extreme sensitivity and ok-ness with children? That's also kind of cool, I guess.

    What is not cool is making me guess which one it is.

    I say this as someone who has sent a message saying "is that a child you stole for a tinder photo," and it wasn't, it was in fact a child he had made himself, and things went downhill from there. (Side note: the other day at work colleague said, "It's all uphill from here!" with a cheerful smile on his face, and I wanted to take him aside and explain that that is not how that phrase works.  Unless you are a mountaineer. Or a landscape architect who specialises in you know what fuck it.)

    And here I terrified myself searching for 'hill scary children', and so we will have a picture of a puppy.
I googled 'best puppy', and I was not let down. 
  • Speaking of colleagues - if it would make a good linkedin profile, it does not make a good tinder profile.  If you wish to fuck people in a professional setting then just go on linkedin or maybe try staying half an hour later at Friday drinks.

  • This is a serious one - don't say demeaning things about ladies in your tinder bio.  There are a whole heap of profiles with things like " not in it for fake girl shit" or "you have a brain know how to use it" or "over fake bitches".

    This is the equivalent of Coke running an ad campaign that just says, "Like soda?  You're probably pretty fucking stupid!" and then wondering why they are not drowning in a sea of... revenue.
Just turn left after the FOREST OF COCKS!

Next time on Tinder Tales: I have no idea.  We'll just have to wait and see.

Of pussy.


chris rees said...

"Also, there is one tip for the ladies: if a gentleman has has his snapchat in his tinder profile he is not, in fact, a gentleman." This to me is like trying to read stuff by Chaucer or 'Beowulf' or something. In other news I am 48.

IT IS ALLY said...

Snapchat is an app where you send a photo and after 1-10 seconds it disappears. Very high dick pics per capita.

chris rees said...

I have heard if it butt get it mixed up with DadNaps

chris rees said...

Bad typing bought to you by 9% battery life / fat fingers combo

Hexen und Schnecken said...

It's brilliant to have you back! Now please don't leave me again for so long without tales of your adventures, tinder-wise or other. Please?