Wednesday, May 04, 2016

Blogrid & the Beach Boys

Hello everybody!  I have no new tinder tales, because I clocked tinder with a pun about a flamingo and now it has nothing more to offer me.  This is merely a short post to remind you all that I, like Pearl Jam, am still alive.  Enjoy having that song stuck in your head for the next ever.

Do you know how you can get it out, though?

Aruba, Jamaica, ooooh I wanna take ya -

Shoutout to the guy in the back who doesn't know where the camera is.

Ok now stop being mad at me and read the post.  To the rhythm of a steel drum band.

Way down in Kokom- wait is that the same fucking guy with his hand on his hair? Who even let him in here

Fuck I'm sorry.  It just ran away on me.  I promise no more Kokomo.

As a side note, this is not unlike the time I was messaging Button at work and managed to string her along with Dave Dobbyn lyrics for way too long, and then she became angry:

me: hey Button do you know, I can't remember the last time I thanked you
button: *vaguely confused, but pleased*
me: I think I've been keeping my distance
me: unintentionally
button: *confused, concerned*
me: too close for comfort
me: it just ain't close enough
button: GOD DAMN IT U SHIT

ANYWAY I've been off the blog grid - which sounds like what you would call the unfortunate-looking female cousin of Hagrid -

Blogrid, yer a... disappointment to this family.

- mostly because I'm disorganised and unmotivated but also because there have been new projects at work, so I come home and collapse into bed.  Or a bottle of wine.  Sometimes both.

The projects mean I have many meetings with important people; you can tell they're important people because they say 'strategic imperatives' more than anyone ever really needs to! So strategic.  And yet, so imperative.

Here's how today's meeting went.

Colleague: "something something revenue. Disappointed noise."
Me, professionally: "While revenue from the event was-"
internally: don't say 'a fucken banana'
Me: *pause*
internally: don't say 'turdy'
Me: *pause*
internally: fuck now I've paused for too long
Me: "a bit of a banana-"
internally: ahhh fuck me
Me: "I mean not where we expected it to be-"
internally: whew
Me: "the project delivered on a number of strategic imperatives."
internally: did you hear that! strategic imperatives.  look at me go.
Colleague: *something about revenue*
internally: i wonder if my kitchen rules is on tonight

On the way home I was thinking about the meeting and about how I overcame the odds and didn't say 'fucken banana', and how I'm excellent at all manner of things, then I got my necklace caught on the handbrake getting out of the car.

beach boys can you stop pointing I'm already embarrassed and also trying to parallel park and this isn't helping

Enough about the Beach Boys, here's the pun about the flamingo.

Dude's tinder bio: they asked me at the party if I was going to stop playing wonderwall, and I said - maaaaaybe

Me:  They asked you if you would stop playing wonderwall, and you said maybe? They asked me to stop doing my flamingo impression, and that's when I put my foot down.

Dude: Let's get married.

Me: It seems like the logical next step.

And then neither of us ever sent another message, and quite honestly I think that's about as good as Tinder gets.

Unless, of course, I made my profile picture the Beach Boys.

Aruba.  Jamaica. Hey how was ur weekend?