In which I know Nothing about Birds*

*this is a terrible post, the one below it is much better, maybe you should read that instead

Today my mother went to a lecture about Large Flightless Birds. Here are some things she told me when she got home.

Did you know the Dodo was a pigeon? A big fat flightless pigeon? No, me neither. Also penguins were originally over 6ft tall! 6ft tall! No idea how tall they are now but 6ft is pretty big.

More importantly, birds do not have lungs. NO LUNGS HOW DO THEY BREATHE? THROUGH THEIR ARSE LIKE A TURTLE? Well, no. They do have lungs, sort of, but they also have tons of air sacs throughout the body and also some of the air they breathe in goes straight into their bones. I am a little sketchy on the details, but basically it takes birds 2 breaths for air to go right round their system. Also they are descended from dinosaurs but everyone knows that! Breath 1 in: air comes in through beak-mounted nostrils, is taken straight to an air sac. Breath 1 out: same air goes into the 'bird-lungs.' Breath 2 in: new air into air sac, old air into different air sac (and bones?) Breath 2 out: new air goes into the bird-lungs, old air goes out, um, bird mouth? Beak end. Bottom of bill. I know pretty much fuck all about birds, in case you hadn't come to that rather obvious conclusion on your own, but I was interested by the whole birds-don't-have-lungs thing. Got over-excited and asked with some concern if the dog has lungs - if I'd stopped to think about it I would've realised I knew the answer, but I was all panicked by the birds-no-lungs revelation. He does. Thank God. If he didn't have lungs either my entire world would have been turned on its head. Do you have lungs?

Moving away from birds - their flu was so last year - there is swine flu in my city. Not only does this mean that David Bain/Swine Flu situation is even more likely (whee), it also means that if there is a zombie apocalypse we're going to need to be prepared. The old plan (steal boat, live on boat/oil rig, fish) has been supplanted by the much more sophisticated New Plan (steal cruise liner, sail across indian ocean, join Somalian pirates using cruise liner as bargaining tool, shoot zombies with extensive pirate ammo supplies, fish). It is a good plan apart from two What Ifs. 1) What If... there is no cruise liner in port when the zompocalypse comes? Steal the next boat down, I guess. Note to self: in case of zompocalypse, find someone who can drive a boat, or buy manual in advance (when am buying water purifier and small still.) Must also remember which way the Indian Ocean is. Left at Stewart Island? 2) What If...Somalian pirates are zombies by the time we get there? This is pretty unlikely because they seem fairly badass. Is much more likely that they'll think we are zombies & start shooting but hey if that happens it'll be ok, we'll just ram them with our cruise liner (which no-one has prevented us stealing because the armed forces are busy dealing with the zompocalypse & the general populace are doing silly things like holing up in a supermarket.) The New Plan is the Plan of Andrea and I. You're welcome to join - meet us at the Carlton Corner pub when the zompocalypse - I simply cannot use this word enough - befalls us.

EDIT: The Somalian Pirates Cruise Ship idea was Andrea's. I did not give credit where it was due and I am very sorry.

Date on Sunday with NRT, who is fine with me blogging about it* (what a good sport! he's going to regret that) except that he wants a more mysterious alias. Personally I think he should be grateful that I'm blogging about him at all NRT is kind of catchy, but I'd be open to suggestions. The comments field is your oyster.

I realise I did the two-post-in-one-day thing again, but god damn it zombies are important. Birds maybe not so much.


*What he actually said was "I don't mind you blogging about anything to do with me in which we are clothed"

Let's just launch straight into it*

*that's what she said!

Hey guys! Imagine if David Bain* got Swine Flu! For some reason I really want this to happen. It would be the collision of the two biggest NZ news stories of the year. It would be the media circus to end all media circuses, unless somehow Tony Veitch was involved, in which case the NZ news media would just plain implode. Maybe I should just write the news story anyway and release it on the Internet. I tweeted about this but nobody recognised it as the genius it quite obviously is so now I am blogging about it as well. I will keep putting this idea forward in different forums until I, I mean it, gets the attention I deserve.

Don't really have any other news except did you know people make sweaters out of their dog's hair? Apparently this has been going on for some time but now that the revolution whoops recession has us all in its terrible povertous thrall (perfectly cromulent word) knitting your own winter coat from your family pet is all the rage. This is a stupid idea and here's why: people hair would be a much more practical option. People hair (or, if you like, 'human hair') is longer and therefore easier to spin into yarn. Also, people with long hair habitually brush their hair every day, whereas if you want to knit a doghair garment you have to make a point of brushing the dog (what, you thought you just yanked out clumps of hair whenever you needed a new scarf? you callous bastard) every day until there is enough hair. This week, I shall delve into the plughole after every shower. That's right, people, I'ma knit a pube beanie. Viva la recession!

I promise I would never actually do anything that gross, but you get my point.

What else did I learn recently that you might be interested in knowing? Oh yes! My friend Hannah, who I'm sure will be thrilled to know she comes in right after the pubeanie (TM), has just started a blog! Right now it is a fashion blog, but as there are only two posts at the moment it could go off in any direction. She is ultra cool and totally new to the blogosphere, so go and visit her. Take some e-cookies because she is your new neighbour. She promises not to have all-night parties, and to lend you a cup of e-sugar when you're out.

Spanish was good last night. 'Rompemos' is a word I learnt. It means 'we destroy,' as in 'nosotros bebemos mucho cerveza & rompemos la mesa.'** So, next time you break something shout ROMPO and everyone who speaks Spanish will know it was YOU. (Alternatively, shout ROMPE and point at someone else, and everyone who speaks Spanish will think it was HIM.)

OK off to the patent office to see if anyone's taken 'pubeanie' yet.


*for non-NZ readers, DB was convicted of killing his family way back in 1995 (I actually researched this) & served 12 years of a life sentence. During the 12 years he appealed his ass off but was turned down numerous times because he was blatantly guilty (as evidenced by his callous wearing of horrible sweaters). Last year he was finally granted a retrial due to new evidence popping up, a crocus of innocence through the snowdrift of guilt! Anyway, his trial is going on at the moment, and NZ is spellbound.

** 'we drink lots of beer and break the table.' True story, although it is in the present tense because I don't know how to say stuff in the past tense yet.