Once More, With Pirates

One of the forums on the National Novel Writing Month site is dedicated to writers daring other writers to insert things in their novels. One of my favourites is "Once again, with pirates" - in which you write a chapter exactly the same as the one before it, except with pirates.

Latest crazy novel idea:

Bounty hunter must regain pair of solid gold pants before they are possessed by the god of the merzombie snake people. Jungle adventure to follow, ending in climactic temple scene and possible merzombie invasion.

Still crappy (I cannot seem to shake the merzombies, for one) but much more doable. Also have all the characters sorted out. Am feeling kind of sorry for making them go on silly pants quest but oh well! They pop up in my mind, what do they expect? If they wanted to be taken seriously they should've popped up in the mind of Stephen King.

Had a long narrative dream last night which would make a great novel - is serious, heart-rending and poignant stuff. (Have written it down for future reference.) Problem? I can't write seriously. I can't do it! Is impossible. I know I've complained about this before, but it's frustratingly difficult to write about serious subjects when your characters keep making puns.

Plan now is to develop new, serious plot fully and then sell it on the international writers' black market (what with the amount of people who complain about writer's block, it must exist). Am frustrated because Serious Plot is a lot better than Pants Quest, but Pants Quest a lot easier to write as characters can arse about and generally be literary liabilities. Pants Quest is a great title, though. Sounds like name of old-school computer game with monophonic them song. "Deedle deedle dee...Pants Quest."

You are standing outside a building. The sea is to your left. To the right is a road.
enter building
You enter the building. A key is lying on the table.
get key
You pick up the key and put it in your pocket.
look
It is a small room. There is nothing of interest here.
exit building
You are standing outside a building. The sea is to your left. To the right is a road.
right
You have reached a town. You are on the main street. There is a small grocery store ahead of you, and a road leading to the right.
enter store
The store is locked.
use key
You are in a small grocery store.
open till
I'm sorry, you cannot do that.
look
There is an old man standing behind the counter.
talk old man
Old Man: What do you want?
pants!
Old Man: We don't sell pants!
hit old man
Oh No! The Old Man has shot you!

Sorry, you are dead. Play again? Y/N

I'm sorry, I don't know why I did that. I used to have a couple of games in that format, back in the day, and I never managed to complete either of the damn things. One of them involved putting a bridle on a unicorn, and in order to get the bridle you had to go into an ogre's house and somehow avoid being dragged off by the hair and killed. I never achieved that. I still have no idea how to. I wish I could remember the name of the game so that I could look it up on the Internet.

Anyway, nothing exciting to report, just felt like venting frustration about plot, lack thereof.

Bein' At Work

I am at work! Obviously I am on a break, because I would never be so (bored with my job) irresponsible as to be blogging instead of working. I am eating a banana (on Fridays we get free fruit – something to do with encouraging us to eat healthily, which is nice) and gearing myself up for morning tea, which is sure to feature saveloys – we seem to have them every morning tea. I’m pretty sure work morning teas are the only setting in which I’ve eaten saveloys since I was about five. Not that I’m complaining – I find saveloys to be the most delicious of the almost-meat food group. (Narrowly beating out Sizzlers and luncheon.)

Yesterday I was sick! I am putting my doctor’s children through college. I hope they are happy (and studious).

After going to the doctor’s (who adopts a kind of ‘oh-what-is-it-now’ face whenever I walk into her office) and being disgruntled by stupidly large bill, I went home, fell asleep in front of Oprah, and woke up an hour later in a HUGE panic because for some reason I thought it was Friday morning and that I was late for work. Very depressing, but huge relief when I realised it wasn’t.
Man I am halfway through this banana and I am sick of it already. I am lucky it is not ENORMOUS BANANA of legend.

In other news, what was I thinking with the merzombies? Was I on crack? I am going to write a nice quiet novel about plants. GIANT SENTIENT ATTACK PLANTS! No. Seriously, though, as taken as I am with the image of an enormous, undead mer-army marching silently out of the sea and advancing on Washington (or perhaps a city that is actually by the sea – thank you, Google Maps) it isn’t a particularly great idea. I wonder how I could work merzombies into novel? Don’t think there is a way that doesn’t involve writing a huge fantasy epic. Unsure if huge fantasy epics are really my oeuvre. Will think about this.

Went out for dinner last night to a Creole & etc. restaurant with Sister Flatmate and her boyfriend/partner/thing, which was nice. I haven’t been out for dinner in ages and got a bit over-excited – kept saying, “Ooh, this is nice! This was such a nice idea!” until they were both completely annoyed and probably wished they’d never suggested it in the first place.

Then I went home and fell asleep on the couch. What an exciting life I do lead!

Right, my (boss is coming) break is over, so I had better get back to work.

MERZOMBIES

Fancy that! A day has passed, and yet I have not lost the ability to post pictures to my blog. Prepare yourselves for a lot of (mostly unrelated) photos. Andrea suggests I start taking outfit photos - this is a good idea except a) I don't have a digital camera and b) I'm not at all photogenic and c) I'm usually dressed in boring work clothes and d) I'm vain enough that it would take me an extra half hour in the morning, especially when you take b) into account.

So, news of the day: Ghost Whisperer sucks. Or, as we refer to it here, Ghost Breasterer. Because Jennifer Love Hewitt's cleavage has, at the least, a minor character part. It should be in the title credits. "Jennifer Love Hewitt's Cleavage playing Itself." Cleavage is also a better actress (actor? actperson?) than JLH herself. Anyway! That wasn't actually the news of the day, but while I'm rambling about sexually related body parts I would just like to say that, contrary to Andrea's new theory, my obsession with the ENORMOUS BANANA is a) over and b) not Freudian in the least.

The actual news of the day is that I have a plot for NaNoWriMo! By which I mean I have a sort of plot. I have an idea. Basically, it goes like this. Prepare yourselves.

What if we accidentally found the lost underwater civilization of Atlantis? What if they turned out to be real douchebags? What if they started a war with us?

What if it was told from about six different points of view?

My NaNoWriMo is about a war between humanity and shapeshifting Atlantean necromancers.

Don't act like you're not impressed.

Brace yourself, literary world. Brace yourself for MERZOMBIES.

I'm not 100% sure about the merzombies. But it's just such a stunning word.

I promise heavy artillery and sadistic lieutenants and misguided bounty hunters and volcanic eruptions and underwater zoos and probably cross-civilization romance. Who's excited? I'm excited! Who's insane? I'm insane! Who has to learn about Atlantis and military organisation and strategy and salvage and weaponry! I have to...you get the point.


I know it doesn't necessarily sound like that great of an idea (by which I mean I know it sounds alike possibly the worst idea for a novel, ever) but I was just sitting there at work today and one of my colleagues said something and the idea fell into my head, and I thought 'Yes! That's what I'm going to do for NaNo! War Against Atlantis!' And then characters and motives and scenes started popping in my head like kernels of popcorn exploding in a pan. In my brain-pan. Kernels of thought in my brain-pan! Plot kernels, character kernels, setting kernels, military kernels! Ha ha ha. Did I mention I am very tired?

I think I am a nutter. But then you knew that already, it's a large part of my charm.


Crap Analogy of the Day:

Backstory: At work at the moment my team is only 3 people (since the departure of VB). It's really meant to be a 5-person team, but we were fine as a 4-person because VB and I did, between us, 60/70% of the work. So now he is gone, and I am left with the Gung-Ho Kid, and the well-intentioned but ultimately tits-on-a-bull Newbie. Ready for the analogy?

Analogy:Being in my Team is like being in a Dinghy.

Before, VB and I had one oar each and were keeping the dinghy upright and on course - not an easy task, but a manageable one. It didn't really matter if the Newbie and the Gung-Ho Kid sat at the back of the boat and looked at the scenery and talked about what was in their sandwiches.

But now that there is no VB, the dinghy is hideously off-balance because I'm the only one a) rowing and b) with any knowledge of how to row. I spend most of my day shouting desperately to Newbie and the Gung-Ho Kid, "Stop standing up in the dinghy! Sit down and row! Stop running around! Bail out, bail out! Can't you see we're going to sink if you don't sit down and help me out here?!"

Meanwhile, the Gung-Ho Kid and Newbie are shouting, "Ally! Ally! Come and look! I think I can see a dolphin!"

SIGH. Anyone hiring?