Things That Are Better On The Telly

- The weather. Even if it’s crap weather, it is at least dramatically crap weather. Except in things like Coronation Street. But I am not talking about that sort of telly.

- People’s hair. Also their makeup. Again, excepting Coronation Street and its ilk- also anything made pre-1990.

- Romance. Also witty banter. Decent witty banter requires hours of scriptwriting. Which is why any flirtatious witty banter in real life quickly degenerates into “Shut up.” “No, you shut up.” “No, YOU shut up.”

- Life. It is more EXCITING on the telly. I never get attacked by Storm Troopers at work and suddenly find a spacecraft to fly away in (I know how to fly the spacecraft, despite never having had any lessons. this is the magic of television.) I am never trapped in a small space with someone dramatically dashing for hours on end, trying to save both of our lives and hopefully getting a shag in the process!

- Military uniform as a fashion statement. It seems to be one of those things that looks ‘edgy’ in music videos but ‘ridiculous’ in real life. (Vic, are you listening to this?)

- Soundtracks. At work the other day, I had Carvin the Copy-cat, Some Enchanted Evening, and Hey, Mr Tambourine Man stuck in my head for hours. And I only know the chorus of Hey, Mr etc. Had I been on the telly, I would’ve had some hardcore rocking out song playing. For the twenty seconds of montaged work that I actually had to DO before there was a tasteful fade to Me Coming Home (or getting attacked by Storm Troopers, or whatever.)

- Men. I know it’s obvious, but still. On telly the rule is not, as it is in life, ‘Single, Attractive, Mentally Stable: Pick Two.’ On telly the rule is all three, plus witty and charming and roguish- without being a total wanker, which in life is Tricky to Find. Sigh.

I wish I were on telly. I feel it is bitterly unfair that life is not like the telly.

However! When I am rich and famous life will be a lot more like it is on the telly! Apart, perhaps, from the Storm Troopers. (I am watching Star Wars.)