Be Less Professional

That was the advice I received at work today. Let's just take a moment to think about that. 'Be Less Professional.' 'Do a slightly more shitty job.' 'Stop putting in quite so much effort.' No, not because I was making everybody else look bad. I am not. CC, who has actually turned into Cocky Colleague (formerly Cute), is making everybody else look bad with his obscene number of sales. On the bright side, his shirt was ironed all half-assed today because his mother's out of town (no, really...he is suitably unprofessional).

My boss, who is a big bluff West Coast man who runs about shouting things like "Let's get EXCITED about the FANTASTIC deal we're going to offer these PEOPLE, RIGHT?!" came over to my desk mid-morning, listened to a call, and then said that while my presentation was perfect, I knew the product backwards, I was charming on the phone and was more or a big person-shaped chunk of awesome, I would sell more if I was less professional. Apparently it scares people. Wait, what? People don't want buy something off someone who sounds like they know what they're doing? You'd rather give your credit card number to someone who says "youse?"

(I would just like to add that I'm not scary on the phone - I have a warm voice and am friendly and laugh, and stuff. I just sound like I work for a large company and have been properly trained. Boss also said, "You sound like a telemarketer," which confused the shit out of me because if I wasn't hired to be a telemarketer then what the hell am I meant to be doing??)

I mean, I see their point in that I am no longer doing business-to-business sales & therefore no longer need to sound overly business-like, but really. I've already become about 40% less professional on the phone since starting there. I mean, who really says...'at ridiculous prices?' (I do. CC has taken it one step further and now says 'outrageous.' CC is tosser.) I got annoyed this afternoon, decided to really overdo it, and said, "....to offer you an absolutely fantastic holiday at a simply ridiculous price!!" My boss, who was listening (I did not know this at the time) loved it. The woman on the other end of the phone thought it was hilarious.

So now, instead of saying, "This is Courtney calling from Amazing Company! How are you? I'm ringing because we're currently offering 30 couples and families the chance to get away on a fabulous resort holiday with us at a simply ridiculous price," I will say, "Gidday! This is Courtney! Wanna go on a fucking fantastic holiday, mate? What? 'Course you do! Gimme a min to go over the basics. Good on you!"

Anyway. Enough about horrible job. (Horrible horrible horrible - Zachy, don't let this put you off. They are still hiring people because they assume (I am not making this up) that out of every 8-10 person training group, 2 people will stay past the first week. You could be one of those two! *gasp*)

Last night I had a dream. Yeah, yeah, I know other people's dreams are boring. However, I am the exception to this rule and here is why: Last night, asleep, I was lying in an underground concrete bunker (post-nuclear holocaust), taking part in a competition to see who could be the first to give birth to a live octopus. And I won. That's right, folks. My subconscious decided last night was the night to birth a large, slimy, purple, post-apocalyptic octopus. Just like this one.


"And he will call me Father, and I will call him Son."

Is my subconscious merely acting out against my horrible job, or do I have a deeply buried tentacle fetish? You be the judge.