Tuesday, March 03, 2009


Mr Jones? Mr Jones! Mr Jones, it's Ally calling from Bob's Droppings. We have a fantastic offer for you this afternoon - a huge bucket of fragrant horse shit! Now we've only got a few of these especially large buckets left, so I'll be very quick. Let's see if this product is right for you, Mr Jones.

Well, of course you're not interested! Yet! If you knew how fantastic our deals are, you'd be the one ringing us! Ha ha. I'll just give you the quick run-down. It'll only take ninety seconds.

Come on, sir, ninety seconds out of your day to talk with a lovely young lady. Normally that would cost $3.95 a minute, sir, you're getting a bargain already. And we haven't even started talking about the great horse shit!

Mr Jones, I think you'll find that its especially lovely to put on your garden. Do you garden, Mr Jones? Great! Oh. Oh, well, I know that if you did garden you'd find it was lovely to spread on those seedlings. A lot of our customers have said that it's just the right texture. I'm sure you'd agree, Mr Jones.

Now I know that sounds fantastic, right? But did you know that if you sign up with us now, over the phone, we'll sweeten the deal a little for you? Ha ha, not literally! Horse shit is better left in its natural savoury state, as I bet you know, Mr Jones! Ha ha. But seriously - listen to this, Mr Jones. If you join up right now, not only will you get some of the country's top-quality horse shit at the lowest prices available, but we will throw in a couple of extra scoops - fill that bucket right to overflowing! How does that sound, Mr Jones?

Come on now, Mr Jones. I just know that Bob's Droppings is right for you. You know you want to do this.



I have created a work persona called Courtenay. She is pushy and rude and pretty much the ideal telemarketer - spent my first couple of days on the phone being nice and polite and got nowhere. Enter Courtenay! She allows me to cut people off mid-sentence without guilt or remorse. She says things like, "Come on, Mr Cooper, you know you can just imagine yourself lying by that azure blue pool. Let's sign you up right away and put you on the path to a lifetime of fantastic holiday deals!" She ruins people's days.

It's like some B-grade movie where the main character has blackouts and keeps waking up with blood underneath their fingernails and a creeping sense of horror.

I sincerely apologise if Courtenay rings you. The right hand doesn't know what the left hand is doing. The left hand really needs the money just give me your credit card number already.

We guarantee that you will simply adore your horse shit.

Uh. My sister just came into the lounge and shouted, "My blue eyes bring all the Germans to the yard, and they're like, 'let's take Poland, ja!?'" Damn right, take Poland, ja! We'd take England, but it's kind of hard.

I never really had that big of a following in Germany anyway.

Also someone totally grabbed my bum on the bus today. What is wrong with the world?


Holly said...

LMAO well if Courtenay rings ME I'll know what to do!

Hmm I wonder if that ever happens, being randomly assigned to call somebody you know...?

WTF @ Bus Bum Grabber? I'm intrigued. I think. *may regret this*

IT IS ALLY said...

Not a lot to be intrigued about! I was standing in a packed bus and somebody seized the opportunity. And my left buttock.

Anonymous said...

LMAO @ the invading Poland song. It took me about three read-throughs to realise what the tune was (coz I am slow), but it is totally better than the original. In fact your sister should do a cover. Complete with moustache.

Courtenay scares me. She has bottle blonde hair and red shiny talons for fingernails, doesn't she?

IT IS ALLY said...

Brooke: she sure does. And she clacks her nails on the desk all the time, and has dark roots.