* not a bad band name
JETPACKS: CONVENIENCE, OR CURSE?
From The Times on Sunday, August 3rd, 2030
The year is 2030. Jetpacks have now become the most common mode of transport, with 70% of the population owning one or more of the portable jet-powered personal transportation devices. Every morning, the sky fills with hundreds of millions of people worldwide who commuting to work or school above the ground. The sky is divided into three 'zones' - the lowest zone, a mere 20ft above the ground, is reserved for learner jetpackers, the elderly, and immigrant jetpackers unused to England's jetpacking rules. The middle zone, up to 30ft, is where the majority of jetpackers travel. The high-speed upper zone, or 'U-Zone,' is used mainly by emergency services, jetpacking courier services, and people who are late for something.
There's no doubt that jetpacking has become an integral part of society. But at what cost?
Overall, the global response to this new form of transport has been overwhelmingly positive. A recent survey found that 90% of all Americans rated the invention of the jetpack as "awesome," confirming the Jetpack as the best invention of the 21st Century, easily beating death-metal Disney construct turned rebel band The Jonas Brothers (82% awesomnity).*
Since jetpacking became a widespread form of transport in the early '20s, there have been a number of concerns raised about unsafe jetpack use, leading to the introduction of global safety standards and protective headgear. The headgear in particular has been very successful, leading to a 20% fall in the number of jetpack related fatalities since 2023. Titanium helmets based on the now-obsolete bike helmet are now mandatory under Clause 21 of the Jetpack Safety Standards legislation. This was passed after the invention of fortified vodka, which led to a sharp escalation in the number of serious injuries and deaths caused by intoxicated persons accidentally propelling themselves into ceilings, walls, and other people.
Following the infamous 'Waldorf Incident,' in which a harried executive running late for a meeting disregarded his fuel warning and allowed his jetpack to putt to a halt 40ft above ground, all jetpacks are now manufactured with a bottom airbag. This is attached to the bottom of both the jetpack and the jetpacker, and is colloquially referred to as the "buttbag," "saving grace," or "whoopee."
However, not all aspects of the jetpack boom have been positive. City councils worldwide are concerned about a recent rise in the number of 'jet racers.' Typically adolescent males sporting 'pimped-out' Japanese jetpacks, the racers cause havoc across all zones, keeping residents awake and raising concerns about gang violence. 'Sky Patrol,' the already-strained police unit dedicated to controlling the zones, are planning a 20% increase in patrol frequency until the jet racer problem has subsided. However, jet racers maintain that they are merely exercising their right to group together and demonstrate their jetpack skills.
Concern for the environment has prompted a recent 'car backlash,' with eco-conscious former jetpackers returning to the road in their thousands after a Scandinavian study showed the number of endangered bird species was rising at an unprecedented rate due to careless jetpacking. At one recent anti-jetpacking demonstration, protesters on the ground were buzzed by a group of jetpackers carrying pigeons, which they then released and roasted with their jetpacks exhausts. Public outcry led to the banning of all pigeons in heavy-traffic jetpacking areas. Pigeon spokespeople are outraged, claiming rampant speciesism is at play.
In conclusion the jetpack, while not a flawless solution to the problems of modern transport, is nonetheless pretty awesome.
* Source: Global Awesomnity Report, 2029.
Showing posts with label band names. Show all posts
Showing posts with label band names. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
The Ultimate12-Question Personality Test*
* Personality Test would be a pretty good band name.
Have you always suspected you're a bit of a Dreamer? A Thinker? A Reamer? A Stinker? A Beamer? A Drinker? A Schemer? A...
Now you can find out! Without any further ado, today is my birthday*: the Website would like to present...
The Ultimate 12-Question Personality Test
1. When do you feel your best?
a) in the morning
b) at night
c) doesn't matter, I'm usually pretty cheerful ^-^
d) whenever they want to be felt
e) when I am drunk
2. Draw a dog. What is it doing?
a) sitting/standing
b) lying down
c) barking
d) humping
e) not really sure, is very badly drawn
3. Hmm, OK, have another look at the dog. What is the dog's tail doing?
a) sticking out from the back end of the dog
b) just lying there
c) wagging!
d) forgot to draw tail
e) curling like tail of pig
4. OK, enough drawing, time for some writing. Complete the following:
"There once was a young man called Bevan
Who wanted to travel to Heaven.
With balloons and a chair
He took to the air..."
a) "...that remarkable young man called Bevan"
b)"...and was hit by a 747"
c) "...and eventually made it to Devon"
d) "...a celestial 7-11"
e) your limerick is not grammatically correct
7. Finish this sentence. Robots are...
a) awesome.
b) eventually going to kill us all
c) a great technological advance!
d) everywhere
e) already in our society - open your eyes, man, think for yourself!
5. Think about Christmas. Which colour do you associate with Christmas?
a) a jolly festive red or green
b) the soiled grey of trampled snow
c) a suitably joyful gold or silver
d) purple, blue or any other colour generally accepted as being completely unrelated to Christmas
e) the black of corporate greed, the black of consumerism
10. It is no longer Christmas. All of a sudden you are on an ocean liner, sunning yourself by the pool, sipping a cocktail of your choice, and eyeing up your dream man/woman. Who are they?
a) The gorgeous, tanned European tourist in the skimpy swimsuit
b) The elderly millionaire
c) The captain!
d) The underage pool boy ;)
e) The ordinary-looking, unpublished novelist with the fascinating brain
6. Which one of the following dreams I've had recently is closest to yours?
a) I went to the supermarket but it didn't look like the supermarket and you were there but you didn't really look like you, and we were trying to find tinned beans but there weren't any
b) I don't remember my dreams
c) I was a pastel-coloured unicorn flying through a Miami sunset with my unicorn friend
d) I gave birth to a live octopus in a bomb shelter
e) I was caught in a love triangle with a real-life colleague and a good-looking albino
11. The world is going to end in 6 hours, and you are the only person who knows. What do you do?
a) Attempt to warn friends & family; spend 6 hours being told you're full of shit
b) Be totally unsurprised. Wonder why things like this always happen to you. Get drunk
c) Declare your love to absolutely everyone you've ever fancied in the hopes that one of them will deliver the eleventh-hour shag
d) Go on a huge crime spree, safe in the knowledge that you will never be brought to justice
e) Not tell anyone, having decided it would be kinder to bear this burden of knowledge alone. Get drunk.
8. Close your eyes (after reading this sentence) and imagine that you are walking through a forest. You walk into a clearing, and there, to your amazement, stands...
a) any kind of mythical creature
b) a large and hungry bear
c) an angel/your best friend/your spirit guide
d) your naked mother
e) Napoleon's ghost
9. Speaking of mythical creatures, if you could ride one of the following to work, which one would it be?
a) Hippogriff, Dragon or anything else featured in Harry Potter
b) Nazgul, Direwolf or anything else with enormous dramatic potential
c) Unicorn, Pegasus or anything else horse-shaped
d) Anything which could be classified as 'undead'
e) Corporate responsibility! Ha!
12. Which of the following statements best sums up your attitude towards personality tests?
a) I don't set much store by them but they take up a couple of minutes -shrug-
b) They are bollocks but I have nothing better to do
c) They provide interesting, and sometimes surprising, insights into my psyche
d) I enjoy doing them but am sometimes worried by the results
e) They merely confirm what I already know about myself
ANSWERS
Mostly As - your personality type is Mundane, Ordinary, Fine, Ok (MOFO)
Congratulations! You are exactly the same personality type as the other 69% of the population who chose mostly A's. There's nothing wrong with being a MOFO - except that it makes you a little bit predictable. (Tee hee, '69%'.) On the upside, people generally get on with you because they know what to expect.
Advice for MOFOs: No-one's ended limericks like that since Edward Lear; stop telling other people about your boring dreams.
Mostly B's - your personality type is Emotional, Melancholy, Overindulged. (EMO)
I bet you're not surprised, are you. Your acronym even has one fewer letter than everyone else's - how typical. Personality tests always say you're an EMO. Like this one was going to be any different. At least you're interesting, unlike all those MOFOs.
Advice for EMOs: Stop writing poems late at night; stay out of the military.
Mostly C's - your personality type is Cheerful, Optimistic, Caring, Kind (COCK)
You are a genuinely happy person!! This really annoys everyone around you. However, you're not going to believe that last sentence, and will continue to spread your own special brand of joy everywhere you go until you are stabbed in the eye with a fork. The upside? Your plan for the last 6 hours of existence is better than everyone else's.
Advice for COCKs: Surround yourself with other COCKs to create a sausagefest of joy!
Mostly D's - your personality type is Narcissistic, Unwise, Troubled, Rebel (NUTR)
Congratulations! You are a certified NUTR. Most NUTR's are employed in the public service industry, unemployed and talking to themselves on the bus, or incarcerated. I am giving you these statistics about professions because, quite frankly, I don't want to touch your psychological issues with a ten-foot pole.
Advice for NUTR's: Robots are not actually everywhere; you should perhaps consider becoming a writer (bonus: it is a career you can continue while in the Big House.)
Mostly E's - your personality type is Dreamer, Intellectual, Clever, Kooky (DICK).
Wow. You're a total DICK. You're no doubt putting your liberal arts degree to good use by rejecting it as a useless societal construct, then tearing off a corner of it to roll a joint because you can't buy any papers until your grant gets approved (or your benefit comes through).
Advice for DICKs: The inner workings of your brain are not actually that fascinating; everyone knows that the protagonist of your unpublished novel is actually you.
I'm an EMO DICK! What are you?
Have you always suspected you're a bit of a Dreamer? A Thinker? A Reamer? A Stinker? A Beamer? A Drinker? A Schemer? A...
Now you can find out! Without any further ado, today is my birthday*: the Website would like to present...
The Ultimate 12-Question Personality Test
1. When do you feel your best?
a) in the morning
b) at night
c) doesn't matter, I'm usually pretty cheerful ^-^
d) whenever they want to be felt
e) when I am drunk
2. Draw a dog. What is it doing?
a) sitting/standing
b) lying down
c) barking
d) humping
e) not really sure, is very badly drawn
3. Hmm, OK, have another look at the dog. What is the dog's tail doing?
a) sticking out from the back end of the dog
b) just lying there
c) wagging!
d) forgot to draw tail
e) curling like tail of pig
4. OK, enough drawing, time for some writing. Complete the following:
"There once was a young man called Bevan
Who wanted to travel to Heaven.
With balloons and a chair
He took to the air..."
a) "...that remarkable young man called Bevan"
b)"...and was hit by a 747"
c) "...and eventually made it to Devon"
d) "...a celestial 7-11"
e) your limerick is not grammatically correct
7. Finish this sentence. Robots are...
a) awesome.
b) eventually going to kill us all
c) a great technological advance!
d) everywhere
e) already in our society - open your eyes, man, think for yourself!
5. Think about Christmas. Which colour do you associate with Christmas?
a) a jolly festive red or green
b) the soiled grey of trampled snow
c) a suitably joyful gold or silver
d) purple, blue or any other colour generally accepted as being completely unrelated to Christmas
e) the black of corporate greed, the black of consumerism
10. It is no longer Christmas. All of a sudden you are on an ocean liner, sunning yourself by the pool, sipping a cocktail of your choice, and eyeing up your dream man/woman. Who are they?
a) The gorgeous, tanned European tourist in the skimpy swimsuit
b) The elderly millionaire
c) The captain!
d) The underage pool boy ;)
e) The ordinary-looking, unpublished novelist with the fascinating brain
6. Which one of the following dreams I've had recently is closest to yours?
a) I went to the supermarket but it didn't look like the supermarket and you were there but you didn't really look like you, and we were trying to find tinned beans but there weren't any
b) I don't remember my dreams
c) I was a pastel-coloured unicorn flying through a Miami sunset with my unicorn friend
d) I gave birth to a live octopus in a bomb shelter
e) I was caught in a love triangle with a real-life colleague and a good-looking albino
11. The world is going to end in 6 hours, and you are the only person who knows. What do you do?
a) Attempt to warn friends & family; spend 6 hours being told you're full of shit
b) Be totally unsurprised. Wonder why things like this always happen to you. Get drunk
c) Declare your love to absolutely everyone you've ever fancied in the hopes that one of them will deliver the eleventh-hour shag
d) Go on a huge crime spree, safe in the knowledge that you will never be brought to justice
e) Not tell anyone, having decided it would be kinder to bear this burden of knowledge alone. Get drunk.
8. Close your eyes (after reading this sentence) and imagine that you are walking through a forest. You walk into a clearing, and there, to your amazement, stands...
a) any kind of mythical creature
b) a large and hungry bear
c) an angel/your best friend/your spirit guide
d) your naked mother
e) Napoleon's ghost
9. Speaking of mythical creatures, if you could ride one of the following to work, which one would it be?
a) Hippogriff, Dragon or anything else featured in Harry Potter
b) Nazgul, Direwolf or anything else with enormous dramatic potential
c) Unicorn, Pegasus or anything else horse-shaped
d) Anything which could be classified as 'undead'
e) Corporate responsibility! Ha!
12. Which of the following statements best sums up your attitude towards personality tests?
a) I don't set much store by them but they take up a couple of minutes -shrug-
b) They are bollocks but I have nothing better to do
c) They provide interesting, and sometimes surprising, insights into my psyche
d) I enjoy doing them but am sometimes worried by the results
e) They merely confirm what I already know about myself
ANSWERS
Mostly As - your personality type is Mundane, Ordinary, Fine, Ok (MOFO)
Congratulations! You are exactly the same personality type as the other 69% of the population who chose mostly A's. There's nothing wrong with being a MOFO - except that it makes you a little bit predictable. (Tee hee, '69%'.) On the upside, people generally get on with you because they know what to expect.
Advice for MOFOs: No-one's ended limericks like that since Edward Lear; stop telling other people about your boring dreams.
Mostly B's - your personality type is Emotional, Melancholy, Overindulged. (EMO)
I bet you're not surprised, are you. Your acronym even has one fewer letter than everyone else's - how typical. Personality tests always say you're an EMO. Like this one was going to be any different. At least you're interesting, unlike all those MOFOs.
Advice for EMOs: Stop writing poems late at night; stay out of the military.
Mostly C's - your personality type is Cheerful, Optimistic, Caring, Kind (COCK)
You are a genuinely happy person!! This really annoys everyone around you. However, you're not going to believe that last sentence, and will continue to spread your own special brand of joy everywhere you go until you are stabbed in the eye with a fork. The upside? Your plan for the last 6 hours of existence is better than everyone else's.
Advice for COCKs: Surround yourself with other COCKs to create a sausagefest of joy!
Mostly D's - your personality type is Narcissistic, Unwise, Troubled, Rebel (NUTR)
Congratulations! You are a certified NUTR. Most NUTR's are employed in the public service industry, unemployed and talking to themselves on the bus, or incarcerated. I am giving you these statistics about professions because, quite frankly, I don't want to touch your psychological issues with a ten-foot pole.
Advice for NUTR's: Robots are not actually everywhere; you should perhaps consider becoming a writer (bonus: it is a career you can continue while in the Big House.)
Mostly E's - your personality type is Dreamer, Intellectual, Clever, Kooky (DICK).
Wow. You're a total DICK. You're no doubt putting your liberal arts degree to good use by rejecting it as a useless societal construct, then tearing off a corner of it to roll a joint because you can't buy any papers until your grant gets approved (or your benefit comes through).
Advice for DICKs: The inner workings of your brain are not actually that fascinating; everyone knows that the protagonist of your unpublished novel is actually you.
I'm an EMO DICK! What are you?
Friday, December 28, 2007
Well Adam told Eve,
now listen here to me, don't you let me catch you messin' round that apple tree...
Truly Elvis knew about the human condition! Maybe.
Things to Do Today:
- go to beach
- take photos
- go out for drink.
I like being on holiday. Although it ends this week and then I have to go back to eww work. "Do you want to buy a thing", I say, and they say "Not really, no." And then I go for the hard sell.
"But it's really nice," I say.
Things To Do When Get Back To Wellington
- Download ProTools (get broadband, find magical money from somewhere - turn to prostitution, perhaps?)
- record self, guitar, send to superproducers (Timbaland, etc.) after finding band (find band)
- become rich and famous.
- pay rent, phone bill. chase up flatmate for money for power bill, actually.
- quit job
- buy mansion in south of france
- fill mansion with many lovely things from nouveau riche version of Acquisitions, Stevens etc., including many vases for flowers from admirers, water in which will be changed by one of the maids (hire maids) who will of course be friends also as am not elitist (perhaps brazilian pool boy? perhaps half-spanish po- NO.)
- play at Royal Albert Hall with many already famous persons whose fame will be escalated by appearing with me
- retire to Nelson? no. perhaps will not retire as such but travel the world on book tour? COMBINED book and music tour. Perhaps that is a little ambitious. Will do tours separately?
Atmosphere around here is slightly Glum as older sister broke up with LOHL (loveofherlife) recently and is still fragile (read: smokes a lot). I am bored and antsy and keep wanting to Do Things but Not Actually Doing Anything, which makes me antsier (read: smokes a lot). Younger sister better but keeps going on about how much older sister and I smoke ("I don't want to go to your funeral when you're 40 and have died of lung cancer!" "Well, you don't have to come.") Not bad overall, though.
Watched episode of Criminal Minds last night where they were outsmarted by the killer. Thought this was a fairer representation of Life than the ones where they catch them every time, based on ridiculously lucky guesses (most of CSI: Miami follows this format ("but of course! the shoelace can be traced back to the factory, and of the ten million people who bought that brand of shoe, only one is already a suspect!"))
Was going to dye my hair white-blonde today but actually it might be too expensive. Shall ask older sister to check when she goes to hairdresser. Because I am too lazy to check for myself (well, she's going anyway, isn't she, there's no point in both of us going, etc etc). If I do dye my hair I promise to report on exactly how much more fun I am having, possibly with a flow-chart or a bar graph or something. Suggested at work the other day that something be presented in flow-chart style rather than as random list of questions, and was acclaimed as if had invented new piece of marketing-speak (see: "I really like this incentive plan, I think it's a great way of incenting people!" -my boss). I never knew how much excitement could be derived from a flowchart! Perhaps I should just quit my job and MAKE FLOWCHARTS FOR EVER.
I think Nelson makes me a bit mad. Perhaps it is rambling in my blog that does that, as I start off with nothing to say and continue saying it for some time. On that note, apparently sequins are in again - bought my sister a gold sequined top. Tried one on myself, but looked like garish sparkly barrel. Do not want to resemble barrel of any sort, let alone garish sparkly one. Suppose that there are worse things, though...will stay away from sequins in the future, except on shoes. I've bought (I realise I'm just rambling boringly on, here, but I'm bored) a ridiculous amount of shoes. Favourite pair are hot pink satin peep-toe heels, which were Christmas present to self (and also reward for buying gross bikini. Look like pasty barrel with bit of material tied round it. Grotty Bikini Barrel terrible band name.)
I think when I'm rich and famous I'll force my band to do a punk cover of Ruby, Don't Take Your Love To Town. I can hear it now. Can you hear it? Do you hear what I hear? Siiiigh.
Truly Elvis knew about the human condition! Maybe.
Things to Do Today:
- go to beach
- take photos
- go out for drink.
I like being on holiday. Although it ends this week and then I have to go back to eww work. "Do you want to buy a thing", I say, and they say "Not really, no." And then I go for the hard sell.
"But it's really nice," I say.
Things To Do When Get Back To Wellington
- Download ProTools (get broadband, find magical money from somewhere - turn to prostitution, perhaps?)
- record self, guitar, send to superproducers (Timbaland, etc.) after finding band (find band)
- become rich and famous.
- pay rent, phone bill. chase up flatmate for money for power bill, actually.
- quit job
- buy mansion in south of france
- fill mansion with many lovely things from nouveau riche version of Acquisitions, Stevens etc., including many vases for flowers from admirers, water in which will be changed by one of the maids (hire maids) who will of course be friends also as am not elitist (perhaps brazilian pool boy? perhaps half-spanish po- NO.)
- play at Royal Albert Hall with many already famous persons whose fame will be escalated by appearing with me
- retire to Nelson? no. perhaps will not retire as such but travel the world on book tour? COMBINED book and music tour. Perhaps that is a little ambitious. Will do tours separately?
Atmosphere around here is slightly Glum as older sister broke up with LOHL (loveofherlife) recently and is still fragile (read: smokes a lot). I am bored and antsy and keep wanting to Do Things but Not Actually Doing Anything, which makes me antsier (read: smokes a lot). Younger sister better but keeps going on about how much older sister and I smoke ("I don't want to go to your funeral when you're 40 and have died of lung cancer!" "Well, you don't have to come.") Not bad overall, though.
Watched episode of Criminal Minds last night where they were outsmarted by the killer. Thought this was a fairer representation of Life than the ones where they catch them every time, based on ridiculously lucky guesses (most of CSI: Miami follows this format ("but of course! the shoelace can be traced back to the factory, and of the ten million people who bought that brand of shoe, only one is already a suspect!"))
Was going to dye my hair white-blonde today but actually it might be too expensive. Shall ask older sister to check when she goes to hairdresser. Because I am too lazy to check for myself (well, she's going anyway, isn't she, there's no point in both of us going, etc etc). If I do dye my hair I promise to report on exactly how much more fun I am having, possibly with a flow-chart or a bar graph or something. Suggested at work the other day that something be presented in flow-chart style rather than as random list of questions, and was acclaimed as if had invented new piece of marketing-speak (see: "I really like this incentive plan, I think it's a great way of incenting people!" -my boss). I never knew how much excitement could be derived from a flowchart! Perhaps I should just quit my job and MAKE FLOWCHARTS FOR EVER.
I think Nelson makes me a bit mad. Perhaps it is rambling in my blog that does that, as I start off with nothing to say and continue saying it for some time. On that note, apparently sequins are in again - bought my sister a gold sequined top. Tried one on myself, but looked like garish sparkly barrel. Do not want to resemble barrel of any sort, let alone garish sparkly one. Suppose that there are worse things, though...will stay away from sequins in the future, except on shoes. I've bought (I realise I'm just rambling boringly on, here, but I'm bored) a ridiculous amount of shoes. Favourite pair are hot pink satin peep-toe heels, which were Christmas present to self (and also reward for buying gross bikini. Look like pasty barrel with bit of material tied round it. Grotty Bikini Barrel terrible band name.)
I think when I'm rich and famous I'll force my band to do a punk cover of Ruby, Don't Take Your Love To Town. I can hear it now. Can you hear it? Do you hear what I hear? Siiiigh.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Happy Whatsit
It has been Christmas and now it is not Christmas anymore for a WHOLE YEAR. (Although in Just Jeans today I did take a Christmas photo for the staff, who wore Santa hats and clustered around the dressing room mirror and said things like "We were just so busy yesterday!" and "It seems to go faster every year!" and "Just push the little button on the top.") Only in Nelson, huh? On that note (bad pun here), saw a busker today (smallish girl with violin) who had a sign saying "Am Saving For A Pony."
See, in Wellington, that would be ironic.
Am staying with Dad. Dad was Santa for some store or other over the Christmas period, and made several witty (and festive) remarks to passing couples, the best of which was to an elderly man and his wife ("Remember when you asked for that gorgeous brunette? You never said thanks." -wife giggles-). A passer-by overheard this and wrote into the local paper, they were so impressed! We were also dutifully impressed until it turned out that lo! 'passerby' had been Dad.
Family Christmas dinner in Christchurch was much as expected, apart from v strange ten minutes where I mentioned my job in passing ("So how's Wellington going?") and everyone was Very Interested and we spent a good ten minutes talking about Eftpos machines over the turkey (rather than talking turkey over the eftpos machine). Other highlights included my sister revealing that her boyfriend had dyed his armpit hair blonde (and then defending to the death his right to do so), and my smaller cousin revealing she had worms. Truly a festive occasion.
Also I have bought a bikini, following a grade-A tantrum in the mall (this is in preparation for BrisbanD - if I'm going to be poncing around the beach in a bikini I thought I'd better buy one. It cost a shitload. It probably worked out at $5 a centimetre, or something, but at least now I won't have to ponce around naked (although depending on how things pan out with the Thing, I could- NO!)) Not having to ponce around naked is a good thing, surely?
And tonight my older sister and I are going to go and sample the delights of Nelson's nightlife. Suspect these delights will be limited but such is life. Am not sure whether to blend in with the locals (most of whom look like Britney post-well, everything) or to be an Individual. Also need to buy cigarettes and beer. Cigarettes and beer, cigarettes and beer. Will now transpose beer song
(to the tune of If I Only Had A Brain, from thewizardofoz).
I could while away the hours, conversing with the flowers and whatever else is near
I'd be charming, I'd be witty, and my day would be less shitty
If I only had a beer.
I could dance the Hokey Pokey and warble karaoke devoid of shame or fear
I'd be charming, I'd be funny, I would not have any money
If I only had a beer.
And I could have a pie, at three a.m. or four
And I'd drop a lot of it upon the floor, and then I'd walk into the door!
Life would be less dull and dreary if I were pissed and leery, to me that much is clear
I'd be witty, I'd be charming, I could shag someone alarming
If I only had a beer!
Why would you stand around the kitchen, a'moaning and a'bitchin' cause the weather isn't fine
When you could be oh so happy and your day would be less crappy
If you only had a wine.
You could dance around in stockings, pretend your life you're rocking, and your nose would redly shine
How I wish we had some vino, we could have a proper beano
If we only had some wine.
We'd down our drinks in town, 'twould be a glorious lark
I'd converse with someone tall and cute and dark, and then wake up in Churton Park!
I would not be glum and cranky, with hair and clothes all manky, no, I'd border on divine
Full of confidence and grace, with makeup smeared across my face,
If I only had a wine!
So let's stumble down to Shooters, I might get out my hooters and fall off my high-heeled shoes
And my poise would be rewarded in a way completely sordid
If I only had some booze!
And when I've created messes, blaming drinking to excesses my behaviour does excuse
So come on, let your feelings true show, I'll declare my love for Hugo
If I only had some booze!
To me, sobriety is something found in church
So, for the meaning of all life now let us search - from bar to bar I wish to lurch!
When you find your life you're hating, your job is sent from Satan, well darling that's not news
So to the bar let's get our asses and fill up our stolen glasses
With a little bit of booze!
It really works rather better as a duet. Do you think Festive Lettuce is a good band name?
See, in Wellington, that would be ironic.
Am staying with Dad. Dad was Santa for some store or other over the Christmas period, and made several witty (and festive) remarks to passing couples, the best of which was to an elderly man and his wife ("Remember when you asked for that gorgeous brunette? You never said thanks." -wife giggles-). A passer-by overheard this and wrote into the local paper, they were so impressed! We were also dutifully impressed until it turned out that lo! 'passerby' had been Dad.
Family Christmas dinner in Christchurch was much as expected, apart from v strange ten minutes where I mentioned my job in passing ("So how's Wellington going?") and everyone was Very Interested and we spent a good ten minutes talking about Eftpos machines over the turkey (rather than talking turkey over the eftpos machine). Other highlights included my sister revealing that her boyfriend had dyed his armpit hair blonde (and then defending to the death his right to do so), and my smaller cousin revealing she had worms. Truly a festive occasion.
Also I have bought a bikini, following a grade-A tantrum in the mall (this is in preparation for BrisbanD - if I'm going to be poncing around the beach in a bikini I thought I'd better buy one. It cost a shitload. It probably worked out at $5 a centimetre, or something, but at least now I won't have to ponce around naked (although depending on how things pan out with the Thing, I could- NO!)) Not having to ponce around naked is a good thing, surely?
And tonight my older sister and I are going to go and sample the delights of Nelson's nightlife. Suspect these delights will be limited but such is life. Am not sure whether to blend in with the locals (most of whom look like Britney post-well, everything) or to be an Individual. Also need to buy cigarettes and beer. Cigarettes and beer, cigarettes and beer. Will now transpose beer song
(to the tune of If I Only Had A Brain, from thewizardofoz).
I could while away the hours, conversing with the flowers and whatever else is near
I'd be charming, I'd be witty, and my day would be less shitty
If I only had a beer.
I could dance the Hokey Pokey and warble karaoke devoid of shame or fear
I'd be charming, I'd be funny, I would not have any money
If I only had a beer.
And I could have a pie, at three a.m. or four
And I'd drop a lot of it upon the floor, and then I'd walk into the door!
Life would be less dull and dreary if I were pissed and leery, to me that much is clear
I'd be witty, I'd be charming, I could shag someone alarming
If I only had a beer!
Why would you stand around the kitchen, a'moaning and a'bitchin' cause the weather isn't fine
When you could be oh so happy and your day would be less crappy
If you only had a wine.
You could dance around in stockings, pretend your life you're rocking, and your nose would redly shine
How I wish we had some vino, we could have a proper beano
If we only had some wine.
We'd down our drinks in town, 'twould be a glorious lark
I'd converse with someone tall and cute and dark, and then wake up in Churton Park!
I would not be glum and cranky, with hair and clothes all manky, no, I'd border on divine
Full of confidence and grace, with makeup smeared across my face,
If I only had a wine!
So let's stumble down to Shooters, I might get out my hooters and fall off my high-heeled shoes
And my poise would be rewarded in a way completely sordid
If I only had some booze!
And when I've created messes, blaming drinking to excesses my behaviour does excuse
So come on, let your feelings true show, I'll declare my love for Hugo
If I only had some booze!
To me, sobriety is something found in church
So, for the meaning of all life now let us search - from bar to bar I wish to lurch!
When you find your life you're hating, your job is sent from Satan, well darling that's not news
So to the bar let's get our asses and fill up our stolen glasses
With a little bit of booze!
It really works rather better as a duet. Do you think Festive Lettuce is a good band name?
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