Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Euphemisms!*

*Sometimes they're worse than the actual term

So after my stunningly brilliant recent Haiku post, there were a few of you (dear readers) who wanted more details on some of the featured liaisons, partially because 17 syllables is not really very many in which to sum up a relationship episode, and also because I told you to. Oh, biddable readers! So here are details.

Kelly wanted more details on iv, x, xiii, and xx.

A contest romance!
Such a pity about the
Surprise fiancee!

This is the British gentleman who featured largely in TLDOML Pt 2(I'm getting good at this linking thing now,) so if you hunger for details, you can revisit that. The link is right there, anticipating your clickage! Stop it, says the link. Oh stop it.

Leaving in two weeks?
Tough, I'm not going to let you
Stick it in my butt

Ha ha! This one is pretty much just like it says on the tin. I was working at a restaurant and we had a really cute, half-Dominican American guy working there, and he and I ended up doin' the nasty (I am going to try and fit as many awful sex euphemisms into this post as I can, by the way. I'll put them in bold so you can see them nice and clearly) a couple of weeks before he left. Midway through bumping uglies, he started an impromptu game of 'Where's That Hand Going?!" Only it wasn't his hand. It was his weiner. So I was all "Oh no you di'nt" and he actually said, "But I'm leaving in two weeks!" Not a good reason, buddy. I'm not sure what his logic was but it didn't work.

Due to my incompetent use of Roman numerals, there are two xiii's -

You at the party
Sitting lone and dramatic;
I so fell for it

Went to a party, and there was a very Edwardian-looking gentleman sitting by himself in the corner, looking melancholy and occasionally quaffing from a martini. Quaffing a martini? Drinking a martini. Sipping intermittently from a martini. Anyway, it was a fancy dress party, and I don't know what his actual costume was but he looked like nothing so much as a writer dying of consumption in a garret, all big haunted eyes and razor-sharp cheekbones and so on. I went over and talked to him because I do like the occasional emo kid, and he moped a lot and said things about Life which at the time were very deep, in an attractively nihilistic kind of way. And I was so very impressed by his general melancholy that I destroyed it completely by indulging in a little rumpty tumpty later in the evening. Turns out this is a well-known pick-up trick! I feel so used. (For the record, totally crap shag.)

&

Your only rule was
To never sleep with workmates
Sorry, I broke it

This is a guy I used to work with - he actually had two rules (the second one was not to bone exes, or something) and he went on and on about these two rules. Then we went to a aquatic-themed work fancy-dress party and somehow, over the course of the evening, what started out as 'we're both wearing sailor suits, what a connection' somehow turned into a bumpy ride on the love boat. And then he realised that he had Broken The Rule and had a little emo moment! However obviously he was not too worried as we broke the rule several more times over the next few months.

Your flatmate burst in
While we were going at it
And wanted to join

This story starts off as so many of mine do - met a nice guy at a bar, ended up back at his flat sliming the banana. However this story differs from the others in that while we were busy batter dipping the corndog, his flatmate charged into the room wearing a snorkel and flippers a pair of heart-shaped, red-framed sunglasses and nothing else. "What are you doing?" asked my new friend, and the flatmate said, "Can I join you guys?" No! No, you can not. The worst thing is that my new friend thought about it, then said, "No, that would be weird." Fucking right it would be! It is called 'the beast with two backs,' not 'the beast where there are three beasts and you only know the name of one of them and you're not even 100% sure about that.' I left my favourite earring at his place. Damn.

SF and Holly were both intrigued by xix.

To be honest I
Slept with you mainly because
Of the pirate clothes

But it's not really that intriguing - yet another work party story. Fancy dress themed, yet again. He was dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow. I was someone from Jem and the Holograms. The rest, as they say, is hide the sausage history.

Brooke wanted details on xviii. Again, there are two:

Cute percussionist
And a hotel in Brisbane
Holiday romance!

This one is a nice little story! Our eyes first met across a crowded auditorium at a national brass band contest. He played for Napier, and had a blonde mohawk. I played for Wellington, and didn't. Talk about star-crossed. That night, at the band after-party (a lot of my stories also feature this for some reason) I sauntered casually up to him (after running into the guy from haiku iv, Captain Surprise Fiancee, and telling him to fuck off) and started making conversation with Mohawk Guy. We talked for hours! Then I actually ended up going back to someone else's hotel room hotel spa, but that is beside the point. (He was haiku xv, if you're interested.) I thought of Mohawk Guy for some time afterwards, so imagine my surprise when, a year and a half later, his band and my band were staying in the same hotel in Brisbane! Needless to say, a squeeze and a squirt followed. The young part is because he was 17 but ENOUGH ABOUT THAT

You said you were gay
Guess that was a great big lie
Your boyfriend hates me

This one is interesting. I had a workmate who was gay (that's not the interesting part). He had a boyfriend/partner/thing he'd been with for 3 years and is now with again, funnily enough. He was a musician - quite a good one, which made me put up with his irritating, whiny personality; we used to hang out of an evening and drink and sing and play things, and talked about getting a band together, as people do when they secretly know they are never going to get a band together because neither of them can be bothered. One night we were singing some song or other when the music simply overcame us and we ended up makin' whoopee! Trust me, no-one was more surprised than I. Except possibly, his boyfriend, who he felt the need to tell. I'd also like to add that with the exception of Surprise Fiancee, this is the only time I've been The Other Woman (or, in this case, The Woman.)

Millieloise (who is a new commenter! YO WASSUP) was interested in xvi. Needless to say, there are two of those as well (I am never using Roman numerals again).

You had a big nose
And asked me to do weird things
I did not care for

This one is pretty straightforward, although his bedroom requests weren't. I mean, yes, everyone has fetishes, and that is fine, as long as your fetishes aren't really weird and related to feet and/or toenails. That is all I am going to say about that. In case you're wondering, I didn't do the weird things - it was more a case of a "again, with feeling! NO WOAH NOT LIKE THAT" kind of situation.

I deflowered you
One dark and drunken evening
What a minx I am

Also fairly straightforward - he was actually a very sweet guy, and a friend. I think, in hindsight, I may have been carefully selected for his first root - he said, "there's no-one I would rather have my first time with." Either that, or he was in love with me. Meh. Incidentally, that is the only time I've been involved in someone's very first time slipping her the pork sword.


Jumpsuit soon.



6 comments:

IT IS ALLY said...

I know the link doesn't work. Thanks, though.

sleep500 said...

This post is utter filth. "Sliming the banana?" You're fucking gross.

IT IS ALLY said...

YAY MY FIRST HATE MAIL ^^

Matt said...

Okay whatever "sliming the banana" is the best thing I have heard all day.

Holly said...

LOL! Some of those stories are hilarious! :D

anairo said...

Sliming the banana?... that sounds even worse out of context.

AWESOME!

keep it up matee