...walk into a bar.
I had a dream last night that I didn't blog today and someone sent me an angry txt message saying, basically, "How could you write that excellent post yesterday then not follow up with another?" Oh, my modest subconscious! I thought they were someone else and replied with a sexual innuendo and basically it all went downhill from there. So now I am blogging to pre-empt that dream coming true! Also in the dream, which was a musical, I was drunk & had a lesbian fling then ended up marrying her on a roof during a dance number. I am not kidding. Perhaps I need therapy.
Apart from that I don't really have any news except that our dog stinks. (I realise this isn't something that is normally considered 'news' but I didn't have anything else.) I took him for a walk a couple of days ago and he did four things he has never done before:
- attempted to hump a lady dog (apparently she was the canine equivalent of Miss Universe or something). The spirit was willing, but he had no balls. Other dog owner was not impressed. I explained that as he had no balls she had nothing to worry about, but she was still not impressed. Ah, my dog. Charlie, the Impotent Rapist. Sounds like the title of a children's book.
- displayed a previously hidden environmentalist streak by urinating copiously on a bulldozer
- did an Inappropriate Poo. I have to confess here that I am a Bad Dog Owner in that I always forget to take 'poo bags' with me when I walk the dog. 'Forget' in that as I leave the house I think half-heartedly, "Oh, I should really take some poo bags," and then immediately justify my unwillingness to pick up poo by thinking "...but I've already locked the house. And anyway he probably won't do one." (He always does one.) Usually he does them in a bush at the park, while I turn my back and whistle nonchalantly. If someone sees me and glares, I shrug and adopt an expression which is meant to convey that this is certainly not my dog and in fact my dog doesn't even do poos. Anyway, on our most recent walk he decided to do a you-know-what (poo) right by the side of someone's driveway (whoops) and I didn't have any poo bags because I had forgotten them (whoops). Was standing there looking innocent when a car turned into the street and drove towards us. I began to whistle nonchalantly. Turns out that the only thing worse than someone seeing you allow your dog to do an unapologetically large and steaming turd on the sidewalk is when he is doing it right by their driveway. Jesus. As the car began to turn in and the driver realised in horror (and anger) that I had no intention of picking up the poo, I dithered for a moment then did the honorable thing and ran. Charlie, who was still poopin', ran too. Leaving a little trail of poo behind him. Jesus.
I am really sorry, people whose driveway my dog pooped in. I have got to start carrying poo bags. (But I probably won't.)
- Jumped right in the river at the park, in pursuit of ducks. Normally when I let him off the lead he runs around a bit, dabbles his paws in the river, and has a little drink. Fine? Fine. This time he disappeared down the bank as per usual, but when I wandered casually over I saw the entire bloody dog was in the river, having a little swim and grinning cheerfully up at me. Turns out the river is really stinky and now so is he. Kate and I took him to the beach in an effort to make him less stinky, but now he is just stinky and gritty. SIGH. I have confined him to the back yard.
See? I said I had no news. I do, however, have a joke:
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees wasn't at work one day, and hadn't phoned in sick. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the employee's cell phone and was greeted with a child's whisper.
"Is your daddy home?" the boss asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else home?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No. He's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," the whisper answered.
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.
Have a nice day, everybody!