Haiku

Today I wrote a haiku about everyone I've ever slept with. It was Andrea's idea. Here they are. I am so freakin' slutty awesome.

i
You liked to make love
To the Best of Queen CD
Which I now detest

ii
I liked you much more
Before you told our colleagues
The gory details

iii
For some weird reason
I was briefly enraptured
By your bad poems

iv
A contest romance!
Such a pity about the
Surprise fiancee!

v
What was I thinking?
You had an enormous nose
And a tiny wang

vi
A tall blonde workmate
We always laughed about it
And were friends after

vii
Thrown out of the dorm
Because you weed off the roof
I thought I loved you

viii
I have no excuse
You were really freakin' weird
But, with motorbike

ix
Black and white dreadlocks
And weekends spent by the beach
Sleeping in your bus

x
Leaving in two weeks?
Tough, I'm not going to let you
Stick it in my butt

xi
Told me you loved me
Then lent me your favourite book
Never returned it

xii
Captain Stamina
I was getting really bored
After the third time

xiii
You at the party
Sitting lone and dramatic;
I so fell for it

xiv
Oh, so cute but dumb;
Emo with snakebite piercings
Who also wrestles

xv
You said I shouldn't
Spread word of our liaison;
Ha ha, I told all!

xvi
I deflowered you
One dark and drunken evening
What a minx I am

xvii
Most sexually charged
Guitar Hero marathon
In all of history

xviii
Cute percussionist
And a hotel in Brisbane
Holiday romance!

ixx
You were pretty cool
After the sex act itself
We watched Family Guy

xx
Your flatmate burst in
While we were going at it
And wanted to join

xxi
When I was rat-arsed
You looked like Orlando Bloom;
Not so much next day

xxii
We play instruments
In the same musical group;
Good God! It's bandcest

xxiii
Your only rule was
To never sleep with workmates
Sorry, I broke it

xxiv
You were really hot
I should have known that you'd be
Quite selfish in bed

xxv
For something that had
Been building up for six years;
Quite disappointing.

xxvi
You had a big nose
And asked me to do weird things
I did not care for

xxvii
I convinced myself
That the Brits are good in bed
Well, you proved me wrong

xxviii
You said you were gay
Guess that was a great big lie
Your boyfriend hates me

xix
To be honest I
Slept with you mainly because
Of the pirate clothes

xxx
A drunken mishap
I met you at Burger King
and your name was Craig.

xxxi
Ah, karaoke!
Because we sung a love song
We then had to shag

xxxii
Ah, karaoke!
Once again I can blame it
And also the booze

xxxiii
We kissed in the rain
That last night in Wellington;
Then I missed my plane

xxxiv
Met you at a bar
Then I shagged you in a park
Fuck I am classy

xxxv
I am impulsive
That is not a good reason
To sleep with fatties


If you'd like the full story on any of these episodes, feel free to leave a comment and I will tell all in a future post.