Thursday, April 02, 2009

Haiku

Today I wrote a haiku about everyone I've ever slept with. It was Andrea's idea. Here they are. I am so freakin' slutty awesome.

i
You liked to make love
To the Best of Queen CD
Which I now detest

ii
I liked you much more
Before you told our colleagues
The gory details

iii
For some weird reason
I was briefly enraptured
By your bad poems

iv
A contest romance!
Such a pity about the
Surprise fiancee!

v
What was I thinking?
You had an enormous nose
And a tiny wang

vi
A tall blonde workmate
We always laughed about it
And were friends after

vii
Thrown out of the dorm
Because you weed off the roof
I thought I loved you

viii
I have no excuse
You were really freakin' weird
But, with motorbike

ix
Black and white dreadlocks
And weekends spent by the beach
Sleeping in your bus

x
Leaving in two weeks?
Tough, I'm not going to let you
Stick it in my butt

xi
Told me you loved me
Then lent me your favourite book
Never returned it

xii
Captain Stamina
I was getting really bored
After the third time

xiii
You at the party
Sitting lone and dramatic;
I so fell for it

xiv
Oh, so cute but dumb;
Emo with snakebite piercings
Who also wrestles

xv
You said I shouldn't
Spread word of our liaison;
Ha ha, I told all!

xvi
I deflowered you
One dark and drunken evening
What a minx I am

xvii
Most sexually charged
Guitar Hero marathon
In all of history

xviii
Cute percussionist
And a hotel in Brisbane
Holiday romance!

ixx
You were pretty cool
After the sex act itself
We watched Family Guy

xx
Your flatmate burst in
While we were going at it
And wanted to join

xxi
When I was rat-arsed
You looked like Orlando Bloom;
Not so much next day

xxii
We play instruments
In the same musical group;
Good God! It's bandcest

xxiii
Your only rule was
To never sleep with workmates
Sorry, I broke it

xxiv
You were really hot
I should have known that you'd be
Quite selfish in bed

xxv
For something that had
Been building up for six years;
Quite disappointing.

xxvi
You had a big nose
And asked me to do weird things
I did not care for

xxvii
I convinced myself
That the Brits are good in bed
Well, you proved me wrong

xxviii
You said you were gay
Guess that was a great big lie
Your boyfriend hates me

xix
To be honest I
Slept with you mainly because
Of the pirate clothes

xxx
A drunken mishap
I met you at Burger King
and your name was Craig.

xxxi
Ah, karaoke!
Because we sung a love song
We then had to shag

xxxii
Ah, karaoke!
Once again I can blame it
And also the booze

xxxiii
We kissed in the rain
That last night in Wellington;
Then I missed my plane

xxxiv
Met you at a bar
Then I shagged you in a park
Fuck I am classy

xxxv
I am impulsive
That is not a good reason
To sleep with fatties


If you'd like the full story on any of these episodes, feel free to leave a comment and I will tell all in a future post.

46 comments:

sleep500 said...

WHAT, NO COMMENTS? THIS IS FUCKING BLOG GOLD

THIS IS PROBABLY THE BEST BLOG POST I HAVE EVER READ.

FUCK.

even the word verification loves it: "unted" is my new word for talking about past sexual experiences.

man, I need to share this.

Baglady said...

I love this! I think we need details on iv, x, xiii and xx.

And is it just me or did anyone else assume a blonde workmate = woman? Then I re-read it and realised that I was wrong (probably).

Canconai - an STD with a nasty discharge for a chap.

Mr London Street said...

Utter genius
Though with slightly erratic
Roman numerals

Holly said...

LMAO! I started reading determined to pick a favourite and tell you at the end, but they just got funnier and funnier and now I can't decide!
I think either the big nose/tiny wang or the pirate clothes might be the winner though. :D

Anonymous said...

Fantastic!

a cat of impossible colour said...

Word verification - inceri. Makes me think of incest and incendiary, both of which are somewhat appropriate.

TEE HEE.

SF (not Sister Flatmate) said...

Superb - the best yet :)

I agree with Holly about the pirate clothes... I think your avid readers may need to know more about that one

Baglady said...

I wish I had thought
Of posting a comment in the
Style of a haiku

Damn you Mr London Street. I think you are my evil nemesis.

Ovaspin - the effect George Clooney has on women with ticking biological clocks.

Pooh. It's actually ovapsin. Which is an over the counter medicine for Easter-phobes.

queenofthecastle said...

These are so awesome
I hated haikus before
Might love them now

v is hilarious, definitely my favourite.
xviii piques my curiosity lol.

Holly said...

Brooke: LMAO! It took me a couple of readings to realise you had jumped on the bandwagon of the CommentHaiku. WIN. :D

IT IS ALLY said...

Dear everyone thank you for the comments I love you all very much! Not blogging today as other stuff happening (also could not think of suitable follow-up to all them haiku) but will blog TOMORROW with JUMPSUIT and DETAILS ON SELECTED HAIKU

Holly said...

Ally: How COULD you possibly follow the haiku!? This post was quite EPIC.
There are always limericks, however! ;)

queenofthecastle said...

@ Holly:
Yep, it's a new type of haiku, called a Hideku. It's a haiku that tries its best to disguise the fact that it's a haiku.
I am still more fond of limericks. They are slightly harder, but so worth the effort.

IT IS ALLY said...

@ Brooke: AHAHAHAHA HIDEKU EXCELLENT

I should totally write limericks.

millieloise said...

xvi.
details please.

Anonymous said...

Impressive. Both the haikus (is this the correct plural?) and what they describe.

Anonymous said...

You are a loser. Get a life. I would not have read this if it had not been forwarded to me by a chain of people taking the piss out of you. I had to comment because it irritated me so much. Sexual pasts, however interesting you think they are, should be kept less public. And the haikus are not even clever.

People need to think twice about blogs.....if you want to have any semblence of a reputable career in the future.

a cat of impossible colour said...

To the final anonymous comment - I find your plea to the blog owner to 'get a life' deeply, deeply ironic.

Anonymous said...

haha we have the same body count that was gold as. dicks shouldnt diss what they cant do. especially when they most probably resemble a swamp donkey at the best of times.

Anonymous said...

last one by conor btw

ZenMom said...

This was seriously fucking awesome. :)

Krissy said...

This was hilarious! Greatest hiakus (is that the plural? I don't even know) of all time. Thank you for sharing these!

Anonymous said...

xxii - have been there, please provide details for the benefits of comparison!

Carlos "The Fat man" Winkler said...

Jeeze Grease, It would probably feel like throwing a pen at the grand canyon.


For Short hair and man-bitter.
Too many partners
Down the shitter.

IT IS ALLY said...

Carlos - your haiku does not have the correct syllable count, maybe you want to try again? It's meant to be 5/7/5 :)

Anonymous said...

@baglady: If you want to be pedantic, "blonde" is the feminine form and "blond" the masculine. So a "blonde workmate" is indeed female :-)

Carlos "Fatty" Winkler said...

Well Ally,

I don't know what that is. I know haiku though. Japanese for something or the other, isn't it?

But i digress, would you consider yourself easy?

And if not. Why not?

Carlos "Fatty" Winkler said...

No disrespect intended btw.

Forever yours,

Carlos F. W

Riadan said...

Please don't break my heart
I fixed it just yesterday
with glue and liquor

Anonymous said...

Although not listed
I'm sure I should there
Maybe mistaken, t'was very drunken

Slabface said...

Awesome post. I tried to write something from a male perspective with limited success.

Playfulness easily reads as misogyny.

Some of my more successful attempts:

Tattoos and piercings,
Was a surprise that you were,
so body conscious

In that nights darkness,
I learnt why girls tan topless,
glow in the dark boobs!

Still today, anyone
finds out about me and you
I will surely die

sleep500 said...

what the fuck is this shit?

FUCK A SLIT WITH A
BLADE THAT'S WHAT GETS THE QUIETEST
GIRLS TO REALLY SCREAM

you're welcome.

katherine said...

Oh My God these are FA-BOU I'm trying to put names to them. :-) so funny!!!!!

IT IS ALLY said...

Zach, Ri - THIS IS WHY I LIKE YOU GUYS.

Anonymous who thinks they may have been on the list - trust me, you'd remember. Maybe you don't recognise yourself?

kate said...

Genius! pure and simple. Like Trisha in Mallrats, you may have to have more sexual encounters just so you can write about them.

IT IS ALLY said...

Kate - Dude. This list is so not up to date.

Andy said...

viii
I have no excuse
You were really freakin' weird
But, with motorbike

Do I know you
Or wishing that I did
maybe a good ride

create create because this earth has left me an empty plate.
would that you could fulfil this hunger
I'm so sick of this lonesome diet

IT IS ALLY said...

Andy: AHAHAHA fucking gold, man. (even though your haiku doesn't quite scan.)

Andy said...

That's my hair colour
Don't kick a Ginga
Do I know you

The NDM said...

Truly funny post.

But I need to know more about the guy in the pirate clothes.

Need. To. Know.

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Andy said...

Some of that language is just dirty!!

Go the Japanese
Winter is coming
Japanese gone

Virgil Williams said...

How bold are these? Love this shit.

Casey said...

I love you so much. These are amazing! <3

Jeff said...

All of these are fucking genius. More please! Fuck yes.

Anonymous said...

alright, is there one for each guy or several about same ones?
Should I be jealous of the number of your sexual partners?