Thursday, April 09, 2009

Lizst

We here at terriblyexciting like to bring you a range of posts which can be loosely grouped under one of the three following headings: Actual Stuff, Bizarre Rambles, and General Filth. Recently our management team has noted that the GF content has been high and so we've decided to introduce a new concept: List Week. Welcome to it. I am the management team. The management team of terriblyexciting would like to apologise for the author's recent decline in quality posts. The author is playing NetHack. Please direct your complaints to the management team. They are both me.

Anyway so in List Week I'm going to be making lists of stuff. Here is the first one. Feel free to leave suggestions for future lists in the comments. If you don't like the idea I don't care, I am playing NetHack then leaving your thoughts in the comment box would still be appropriate. But please, people. Don't be a hatiator. (It is a person who radiates hate.)


Top 5 Childhood Games Played By Me

5. Engine Hospitals

Engine Hospitals is one of the first games I remember playing. It comes from way back in the day, when I thought I was a train. (No, actually; I truly believed that I was James, the red boy train from Thomas the Tank Engine. Mum (Percy) and Dad (Gordon) were genuinely concerned that my younger sister was going to grow up thinking that a) her name was Edward and b) she was a train also.) The basic premise of Engine Hospitals was that I would wander out to the washing line, where Mum was hanging sheets, and engage her in the game by saying something along the lines of, "Percy, we have to visit the engine hospital" and tangling myself up in a wet sheet. Mum would be the nurse (as well as being Percy, which may seem illogical but please try to remember I thought I was a train), and say lots of interesting things like, "Oh, poor Gordon! He's burst his boiler." Years later Mum confessed to me that she quickly became sick to death of thinking up new engine ailments and desperately wished for the game to end.

2. Mary and the Babyjesus
I think I might have mentioned this enjoyable but somewhat politically incorrect game before, but oh well, it's a classic. My younger sister and I used to have 'bowers' together (you stand in the bath, turn the shower on, put the bath-plug in and then stay in there until eventually you are splashing about happily in a pool of tepid water), and directly after the bower was the prime time to play Mary and the Babyjesus. We each had a blue towel - mine was smaller and dark blue, and hers was big and light blue. Whoever was playing Mary would wear the big towel in hooded-robe fashion, then Babyjesus would put on the smaller towel and scootch in under one side of Mary's robe. The Babyjesus was then 'hidden' or, if you like, 'in gestation.' Then Mary would shuffle into the living room where one or both of our parents were and declare in a loud voice, "I am Mary!" There would then be a dramatic pause, then Mary would shout "And here is the Babyjesus!!" and throw her robe open. Lo, there was the Babyjesus indeed! Also, you just got flashed by the Mother of God. Kate always got really annoyed when we played this because I usually made her play the ultimately more important, but rather less dramatic role of Babyjesus.

Sorry if you're getting bored. I probably would be by now.

3. Little Foxes
This game provided hours of fun. In hindsight, I have no idea why. Kate and I would pretend to be the titular little foxes, crawling on our bellies through the long grass that covered most of our property, and making nests and the like out of flattened long grass. I have no idea why this was so entertaining; although I guess the knowledge that at any moment you could accidentally wriggle into a hidden dog turd must've added a certain element of danger.

4. Horses
I know that everyone has a game where they 'gallop' about on (imaginary) horses, looking like a lopsided, furiously determined retard, but ours was different. Mainly because I was a real dick had a creative mind, and sometimes I got bored with the endless lolloping up & down the drive and decided it was time to add a new element to the game. My favourite addition (that I recall) was called Stable Arson and it went like this. Me: "I'm riding Russia. (She was a stocky palomino.) Which horse are you riding?" Kate: "I'm riding Thunder." Me: "No, you can't be." Kate: "Why not?" Me: "Because your stable burnt down, and all of your horses died." End of game.


5. Animal Weddings
This is only worth mentioning because we had a little tribe (or herd, I suppose) of Littlest Pet Shop horses, who besides being pirates and rock stars also got married a lot in really incestuous ways. They were pirates on the river and rock stars in the living room and tigers in the bedroom.* Here, mainly for my own amusement, is a little who's who of the Littlest Pet Shop horse tribe. Appy: Patriarch. Married to Pally. Fell out of pocket of disgusting patchwork fluoro shorts one Renwick School Sports Day; greatly mourned. Pally: Matriarch. Married to Appy, but then later married to Mystic. Had twins, Asteroid and Stardust; later had an affair with Asteroid. Prancer: was a dick. Fell in a hole on a construction site and was not widely mourned. Never married (!!) Whitey: Boring horse, married to Blackie. Blackie: Boring horse, married to Whitey; made slightly more interesting by his later affair with Star. Star: showgirl slutty pony, Prancer's main rival. Had brief affair with Blackie and Asteroid; eventually married Mystic. Ginger: loser - broke ALL legs very quickly. Married to Mystic, but he ran off with Star. Oh boo hoo. Asteroid: twin brother and also husband of Star; briefly married his mother. V Oedipal figure. Stardust: Asteroid's twin sister and/or wife; also married Mystic, who was shagging her mother at the time. Mystic: man he was a pimp. He married ALL the girl ponies and probably slimed the banana with some of the boy ones as well.

So there you are. A little more insight into why I turned out so awesome.


*incestuous tigers

3 comments:

a cat of impossible colour said...

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

a cat of impossible colour said...

Now that I have finished laughing, here are some suggestions for lists:

1) Fun things you can do with parts of your body
2) Weird bus encounters
3) Beloved childhood cartoons (Captain Planet had better be in there or we'll no longer be friends)
4) Inappropriate crushes
5) Awkward Turtle moments
6) Good ideas that went badly wrong
7) Things you secretly don't believe in (like me and the Central African Republic)
8) Most annoying people you have known
9) Things you wish you had never overheard or seen
10) Things that make you feel Schadenfreude

Holly said...

I second Andrea's first comment, especially at #2. *dies*