Sunday, May 10, 2009

FindSomeone(Mental) 2

48hours: in progress.

Have just read the following letter to the paper. "I was frustrated having to try to fit my receipts from donations into an inadequate IRD (Inland Revenue Department) envelope..."
Well, lady, if I may make a suggestion: being as you have obviously made such a large number of donations - by the way, thank you for bringing this to the attention of the public - perhaps you could spring 40c for a slightly larger envelope. Also, you probably didn't really need to write to the paper about this.

Time for a dating site roundup! I have made it into a little contest, look.

Wait before I get underway here is a little message to people who just post pictures of their abs as their profile picture. This is all well and good (dude! nice abs), but how is your date going to find you when you go out for a drink? Oh, that's right, she'll be the one across the bar shouting "Excuse me, everyone, I'm on a blind date. Could you all pull up your shirts, please?" Come on, people. A little bit of common sense.

Anyway, here are the awards. The mind, it boggles.

Too many people lie on Internet dating sites. Hence the Points for Honesty Award, which goes to SmoothDoove: he is looking for "an outgoing , fun loving girl who can make me laugh. But what i really want is a nympho who just wants some casual sex with no strings attached." See? Honesty! You just don't see enough of it around these days.

(Runner-up: huckleberry000, who is in search of "hot women with no morals." I'm pretty sure that if he had a photo if I was that type of girl I'd respond to that.)

HairyYetti, who wins the award for Most Ridiculous Match Criteria (and, coincidentally, the award for Biggest Douchebag), has this to say on his profile.

"God is good and he is God. I know he will one day bless me with my blonde haired blue eyed knockout of a woman who encourages loves and supports her man without trying to challenge him with modern thinking. A woman is the centre of the family."

That's about where you think ha ha, he must be kidding! HE'S NOT. The rest of his profile is full of the same sort of crap. However, in case you were worried that he isn't a sensitive soul, he "sold 15 paintings at his last art exhibition," and "feels the world's pain." Sheesh, what a catch! Excuse me while I go and buy some blonde hair dye.

(Runner-up: rayray15, whose perfect woman is "a pretty girl who likes to dress up and go and have fun, inside or outdoors... A smart girl who can keep up with whats going on around her... And who doesn't ask too many questions." Is he a spy? He sounds like a spy. If James Bond was on a dating site that would be pretty much exactly who he would be looking for. Of course, James Bond would never be on a dating site unless it was part of a huge underco- OH MY GOD.)

Time for the Pretentious Crap Award! Always a large field, but flowerpotman_2 has taken it out with his thoughts on commitment, "a wonderfull thing which is the apex of a contented adjoining of two people." Um. Apparently.

(Very close runner-up is Bodhizatfa, whose wanky profile ends with "P.S for those who insist on commenting about it no I do not wear the fluorescent vest to work. It was for a modelling job I unsuccessfully tried out for." He is a lawyer.)

Yay my favourite, the Amusing Misspelling award! Another big field here, but it totally had to go to chchboi84, who is a self-proclaimed "really nice guy with lots to shear." Hahaha. Hahahaha.

(Runners-up are nick_24 - "i think its always a bit hard describing yourself cos thats a bit vein-" and FLYWRX, whose one-line description of himself was "STILISH." Tee hee hee.)

The award for Most Poorly Chosen Profile Name goes to BogWraith. Obviously the first thing you think of when looking for a phrase that a) describes you perfectly and b) appeals to the laaydeeez is an undead swamp creature. Or, alternatively, a ghost that lives in the toilet.

(Runner-up: shag666, whose thought process presumably went something along the lines of 'Dude! Check out how badass my dating site profile is! Also I am really into gothic nymphos.')

The Supreme Award for Best Comment was a difficult choice because there were so many retarded comments. However, two stood out.

First, the runner-up: fredo, with his enlightened and yet bizarre thoughts on racism.

"Well some people are white some black and maybe some are yellow .Well no sure about yellow but let believe some can be yellow and some are green yes but this one is YODA .Heay Yoda must be the bigest stoner ever .how do you think he turned so green .And how he got so small ? cause maybe he doesn't need organs like us just a mouth and a lung. anyway never mind .My point that i m trying to make here is we're all same."

He's French. Is that an excuse? Also I think he may have been high when he wrote his profile.

The top prize, however, has to go to Canty Chap. Not only is this a fantastic innuendo, I'm not even 100% sure it was intentional (he does all sorts of outdoorsy crap.)

"Im also into Astronomy as I have a telescope that I like to take out on warm clear nights. ;)"

Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Show us your telescope.

Updated: I just met up with someone for coffee, and they were terrified that I was going to cruelly make fun of everything they said or did on my blog. I would never do that, and don't want to give that impression! I make fun of these people with their ridiculous profiles, but I don't make fun of people unless a) they fully deserve it, like those above or b) they have said they don't mind (like those above, who have posted in a public forum). I'm not mean and awful, I'm really not, and I'd never repeat or openly mock a private conversation without prior consent.


Kaileigh said...

Loved these!!

a cat of impossible colour said...

Rayray15 sounds like a keeper. I think he is probably a member of the Mafia.