Saturday, July 11, 2009

Get a haircut and a real job*

*my plan for the week

I was in three cities yesterday! (Not all at the same time.) Who's impressed? I wasn't, I was tired, but it was vaguely interesting in a meteorological sense. Got on plane in Auckland, where the weather was mild. Got off plane in Wellington, where it was chilly, and raced outside for a quick fag between flights. Got off next plane in Christchurch, walked out of the terminal and found that my tits had frozen off. Literally. I am now titless. So far no-one has noticed.

It is cold here. Have I made my point?

Had a lovely little Asian air hostess who extended an early boarding call to any "passengers needing assistance, or parents with infinite children." I cannot imagine anything worse than infinite children. Kate, who despite being my sister for 18 years has apparently never met me before, suggested this morning that I become an early childhood (read: preschool) teacher. What is wrong with her? I would eat all the Play-Doh and require supervision. Also I would constantly have nits and, ewwww.

The connecting flight from Wellington was great - I had a window seat (Pacific Blue are awesome like that - when you check in, they ask you if you'd like window or aisle, and I always forget that they're going to and jump up and down shouting "Window! Window!" then gush at the check-in person about how great it is that they let you choose) and the man on the aisle fell asleep during takeoff and started snoring. Eventually the man on the opposite aisle seat whacked him with a copy of the in-flight magazine (which is called 'Voyeur') and he did a massive great whuffle and woke up. This happened twice, and both times he looked really confused and everyone around looked innocently out the window, including the air hostess.

When we landed I did a little 'you go, no you go, no really, you go' shuffle with the man across the aisle, who then promptly walked into me in the airbridge and struck up a conversation. I was really tired and said that I had been in Auckland for a sales conference. This was a large backfire (and also not true) as he had also been in Auckland for a sales conference and was wondering which company mine had been with. I made up a company (ProVantage Marketing) and spent the next five minutes talking about how beneficial the training had been, and how many more office supply products I was now going to sell. He gave me his card, but alas! I can never talk to him again because of all my lies.

Exited the terminal and asked a stranger for a light, but it wasn't actually a stranger, it was someone I'd had a couple of one-night-stands with in Wellington about two years ago! We pretended not to recognise each other. It is nice to be home.

Am applying for jobs. Who's excited? Not me. What I am is a highly organised, self-motivated professional who enjoys working in a team situation, but is equally comfortable stepping into a leadership role and using my initiative to provide the best solution for all parties involved- OH MY GOD. Please hire me, someone. I am not sure how long I can keep up this facade! I am someone who runs around the office shouting "My my my poker face, my my poker face" and forging paperwork to meet deadlines. (We used to do that at my old job in the Financial Sector. I remember a new staff member coming up to me in a panic and going, "Ally, Ally, Mr Wiggle really needs this for tomorrow, but he hasn't signed his paperwork on the right line and he can't get to a fax machine and it will never be processed in time and and and- hyperventilate." "Just make a copy of it, cut out the signature and move it to the right line, then copy it again and use that." "I didn't know we could do that!" "Yeah...we can't really. Just do it quietly." And thusly was the problem solved! In my CV, this is called "...not afraid to use my own initiative to aid streamlining existing processes.")

My CV, Translated:

'I have both excellent written and oral communication skills.'
I will tell you to fuck off when I am busy. If I'm on the phone, I will write FUCK OFF, ON THE PHONE on a post-it note and wave it at you.

'I place high importance on building strong relationships with both internal and external business contacts.'
I am equally comfortable sleeping with workmates and clients.

'I have extensive experience delivering high-quality results under pressure'
I call in last-minute favours a lot.

'I am dedicated to providing the best solution for all parties involved in any given situation.'
I like to completely cover my ass so that no-one can shout at me later.

'I am highly organised and self-motivated'
Mainly when I have made a large error and am trying to fix it before management find out.

'I am capable of prioritising effectively under pressure'
I enjoy a nice spot of delegation.

'I enjoy working in a team situation, but am equally comfortable stepping into a leadership role'
I can be relied upon to charm my workmates into submission, then make them do the coffee run.

'I am capable of consistently working to and meeting deadlines and targets'
I am totally not going to do any unpaid overtime.

Must get a haircut before job interviews - have not had haircut since head was shaved, and am beginning to look like a mushroom. A cute mushroom, but a mushroom nonetheless. Must also pluck cavewoman eyebrows. What? Am I oversharing?

Went shopping with Kate today for her boyfriend's birthday present - I was strongly tempted by a T-shirt with a bear on it (the bear was black and white and wearing 3D glasses) and another t-shirt with cartoon planets and the slogan, "Keep the Earth clean, it's not Uranus" but Kate bought him a CD instead. Man. What a let-down.

In other other news, I am approaching my 300th post (Good God) and am wondering what to do for it. Probably I'll forget about it and write my usual ramble, but if you've got any decent (or indecent) suggestions let me know.


JimmyTe said...

Hey, what happen to your tits?

Kaileigh said...

Good luck on the job hunt :)

Baglady said...

More Haikus! Or maybe some more transformers. Either would be a fitting way to celebrate your 300th post...

wv= frapsi. When you're not quite in the mood for a frappuccino but you don't know why.

Padmanaban said...

There are lots of airline jobs in Gurgaon, so why can't apply for those jobs