Friday, August 28, 2009

Bears, Death, Other

I saw a beautiful thing today outside work! There is a tram that runs through the centre of the city for tourists or something, and outside my office (which isn't an office block but a huge old building where the Press has been housed since time immemorial or 1914 or something) is a sign with an arrow and the words 'TRAM LINE.' When I went out for my morning coffee, I noticed that a passerby had added 'PO' in the gap between the words. Awesome.

Also being featured today is the lovely Ellie of ExpatEek! (Sorry about billing you below the tramPOline.) She featured my 'apostrophe's' ad in a recent post of hers! So I am returning the blog karma (as it were). You should go and check it out because she's just finished a dissertation, which is highly impressive, and has blogged about the painful editing process and the disgusting daily wrestle with spelling. I am approximately 20% sure what a dissertation is. (It's a long research paper about something?)

On the beartat front, this is kind of what I was thinking:

Or perhaps without the hair:
Or perhaps with the hair, after all.

This bear (the above bear) is the logo of a design agency and quite possibly subject to copyright. Who copyrights a bear? Anyway that probably doesn't matter, because so far out of all the bear profiles that I have seen his is my favourite. If you would like to draw a bear for me and email it through, that would be great. I have many talents but drawing is not one of them, unless you consider the ability to draw any animal in the world and make it look like a sat-on dog a talent.

This bear tattoo idea is growing on me - the bear will be a constant companion and sidekick of sorts (who will allow me to make bad puns, which is what I like in a friend). It will be a boy bear called Niko, after a friend of mine who a) liked bears and b) died, which pretty much makes him the perfect candidate for a little inky bear, Namesake! Although Dead Nico spelt his name with a C and Bear Niko will spell his with a K, because Bear Niko is pretty fucking cutting-edge. (See? He already has a complete personality.) Also because his full name is NiKodiak because that is what kind of bear he is FUCK THIS IS THE BEST IDEA EVER.

Speaking of death (and bears (no not bears)) I spent my afternoon today typing up setting death notices for the paper and fuck me they are boring.

Here is how a typical death notice runs:

"PETER, John Thomas-- Peacefully at home/in hospital/at Rest Home/ after a long illness, in his 98th year. Much loved husband of Liesel and loved father and father-in-law of Rupert, Manfred and Sybil, Montgomery and Delilah, and Rhys and Prudence. Loved Grandfather of Whistle, Biscuit and Hedge.
Here it is traditional to use this font and insert something like 'Always in our memories,' 'Sadly Missed,' or anything that doesn't quite rhyme but sounds like it should.
The family would like to thank all the staff at the Nearly Home Hospice. In lieu of flowers, donations to Little People Against Gnome Statues can be made at the service. A Celebration/Service to Celebrate John's life will be held in the Chapel on the corner of Street and Road at 1.00pm Thursday. (And then the funeral director's details.)

and here is how I would like more death notices to read:

"PETER, John Thomas-- Dramatically, in a large explosion, in his 298th year. Much loved husband of Liesel and greatly appreciated fuck buddy of Lilith, Sandra and Robert. Loved father and father-in-law of Rupert, Manfred and Sybil. Mildly disliked father and father-in-law of Montgomery and Delilah; barely tolerated father and father-in-law of Rhys and Prudence. Loved grandfather of Whistle, Biscuit and Hedge.
You are dead and probably always will be, unless there is a zombie apocalypse, in which case we will meet again and you will probably try to eat me, so for my own sake I fervently hope you Rest In Peace.
The family would like to thank the nurse who was so kind as to quietly euthanise John, and the anonymous staff member who drew the amusing cartoon on his bottom post-mortem. In lieu of flowers, please send money.

And then the funeral director's details.


mysterg said...

The Zombie Apocalypse is no laughing matter!

sas said...

whistle, biscuit and hedge are the best kids names I ever fucking heard.

also niko sounds like the deamon thingos in that philip pulman book. AND also relevant because there was armoured bears in that story. you should totally read that book. actually its three books. there is a movie of the first one. the movie was shite though. don't see the movie. even though it had the hot bond in it: el shiteo.

Esmerelda said...

I need you to write my obituary. Not yet though, I'm not dead. But maybe later.

Anonymous said...

Whistle, Biscuit and Hedge as kids' names frighten me, because I'm pretty sure there are actual kids out there with these names. o.O

Niko is an awesome name for a bear. I think I like the hairy bear best. Bear bum jokes = funnier when the word 'hairy' is involved.

WV: mangr - anime as drawn in Invercargill

mysterg said...

I once dealt with an incident that involved three sons...their names?....Orange Juice, Apple Juice and Tomato Juice or OJ, AJ and TJ for short.

Everything wrong with the world was embodied by that family.

Zach said...

I have drawn your tattoo, the search ends here

Baglady said...

Zach is right. Problem solved.

Or it might look a bit like you've poohed yourself. Hmm. Tricky.

Pooh bear, I suppose.

wv=miali. A small Italian wafer for dipping in coffee. Not available in Sicily because people there confise them with the word mafia and then people get killed.

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

Oh yeah, that's how I want my death notice. Except, not the Peter John Thomas part. Or whatever his name was, I can't be bothered going back to look it up.

Gary said...

Depending on which buttock the tattoo will reside on, that Bear will be coming in or out of hibernation.

IT IS ALLY said...

mysterg - I believe it is referred to as the Zompocalypse. Also, are you serious about that family? That is insane.

Sas - I loved those books! The armoured bears are still with me, as are the seed-pod creatures. I must re-read them.

Esmerelda - I would be honoured. Also, sometimes these things are best written in advance.

Brooke - I also like the hairy bear. Good call.

Zach - thank you.

Baglady - please do not encourage him.

Tenny - excellent! Let me know when you intend to die and I'll get to work.

Gary - Best. Comment. Ever.