Thursday, August 27, 2009

The End of the Affair

Today at work I went commando and then on my mid-morning bathroom break I put my heel through the bum of my pants (don't ask) and then a bit of my butt stuck out so I had to wear my (thankfully long) jacket for the rest of the day but luckily it was cold so no-one said anything. And that's probably enough about work.

On the subject of inappropriate exits, the gentleman currently holding the position of My Boyfriend (part-time, approx. 20h pw) has been let go on a few counts of serious misconduct.

Count 1: Not reading, or showing any interest in reading my blog. TFC appears to view my blog - yes, this one - as some sort of childish diversion (which is, incidentally, also how he views NetHack, adding yet another reason to the list of Reasons For Dumping) and, when I gave him the address in a moment of trust, declared that he "would rather find out about me by himself." (He said 'myself,' though, not 'himself.' I never know how quotes like that work.) This B-grade rom-com-worthy comment would have made me vomit if I wasn't drunk and already concentrating quite hard on not vomiting. "Your loss," I said, and he laughed facetiously, and I thought to myself, 'This is a dead duck.'

Count 2: Bitching about my physical imperfections, in particular the prominent oval scar on the back of my hand. The same evening as the Blog Denouement, he was holding and absentmidedly gazing at my hand (I was trying to watch a movie) then asked, "Where did you get that scar?" "Captured by pirates," I said. He laughed. "No, really, where did you get it?" "Tortured by the Russian mafia." I thought that by then I'd made it relatively obvious that the origins of said scar weren't up for discussion, but apparently I hadn't as he donned a sincere, tender sort of a look (eww) and said, "No, really, you can tell me, you know..." and trailed off into a puppy-dog sort of face. Except that puppy-dogs (why are they called puppy-dogs? It's completely redundant, as is 'kitty-cats.' At least we don't say 'baby-humans' - we do say 'little people' but I guess that's different) are cute and endearing and he was just irritating.

"I would tell you," I said in my vulnerable, little-girl voice, "but I just can't." Here I averted my eyes. "The first rule is that we're not allowed to talk about it." He harrumphed (sounded like a dog with wind) and said, "You should do something about it." "Nah," I said, "I've had it for ages, I kind of like it now. Besides, it lets me predict the weather." I was prepared to let the conversation rest, but apparently it was necessary to discuss Bio-Oil and how it could help to remove such disfiguring things as scars on hands. "I like it," I said stubbornly. "You shouldn't," he replied. At times like these, my grandparents always return from the afterlife (except for the one who isn't dead) and hover over my shoulder to offer advice. My maternal grandmother says something along the lines of, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." My maternal grandfather says something along the lines of, "Keep a civil tongue in your head." They are both, I am sorry to say, often ignored. My paternal grandmother is a bit more bolshie and would probably have told him to stick his Bio-Oil somewhere the makers never intended it to go (unless, of course, you have unsightly rectal scarring), and my paternal grandfather says, "Punch him in the nose!" (It is worth noting that my paternal grandfather died when I was very young so I have no idea what he would actually say, but in my mind he usually says, "Punch him in the nose!")

I did not punch him in the nose, but I also did not keep a civil tongue in my head, and now the romance (such as it was) is no longer.

Bear tattoo idea: gaining momentum.

EDIT: My computer broke halfway through this, so I posted it unedited, and I'm very sorry. Am now on someone else's comp with limited timespan, so will fix it later. Sorry!


Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

Your're better off. Wait...was that too harsh?

sas said...

I like that you have boyfriend standards.

Joff said...

a) What a dick. Good move.

b) If you had your bear tattoo, then the hole in your pants wouldn't have been a problem.. you could have displayed him (yes, it's a he) with pride. Some sort of fashion statement.

Anonymous said...

This: "would probably have told him to stick his Bio-Oil somewhere the makers never intended it to go (unless, of course, you have unsightly rectal scarring)" made me LOL. Hot chocolate almost went on the office keyboard.

TFC sounds like a wanker. Scars are clearly made of awesome (and mysterious stories). I wouldn't get rid of any of mine. Bio-Oil = ethnic cleansing for scars.

Bear tattoo idea FTW. If you got it, you could name it.

Judearoo said...

HA! That was excellent!! Loved your pirate/russian mafia scarring stories. I DO enjoy your blog, Ally. Nothing like a good grin-inspiring read first thing in the morning.

Cant believe he said you should want to 'do something' about the scar?!! Are you freakin kidding me??!!

Screw 'im, I say. And not in the fun way.

Holly said...

I'm sorry to hear that Now Former Boyfriend turned out to be a twit. You should have kicked him...and then coated him in Bio Oil and waited for him to disappear.

Seriously though, if the "Captured by pirates" comment wasn't a clue that you didn't want to discuss it, "I like it", surely should have been! :/

WTF at the pants hole!? Stories that begin with "Today at work I went commando" never seem to end well.

mysterg said...

I'm siding with TFC here.

I wouldn't want to learn about someone by reading their blog. Where's the romance in that?

And the scar thing, was a fair question to ask and perhaps he's a bit insensitive as the conversation goes on but it's the sort of rambling I would do if I realised I had trod on a sensitive subject and were trying to dig myself out of my own grave.

However the question here is, are you going to make an advert for a new boyfriend?

Joff said...

I thought I was the only one that went commando at work. I shall do it tomorrow and see if anything interesting happens, you know, for Science!

Kaileigh said...

I like the bear tattoo idea as well, LOL.

I only ever hear my maternal grandma, who usually just says "Oh dear" and chuckles...

Josh said...

He didn't seem very interesting anyway - even if he wasn't a dick he would of got boring quickly.

How the fuck do you stab a hole in your bum with your heel? You = awesome

Baglady said...

But scars are cool! No wonder you chucked him. Rubbish.


wv = redrubi
Um, a big red gem?

Anonymous said...

Grampy would definitely have said "punch him in the nose."

IT IS ALLY said...

Tenny - no, not at all.

sas - not always, but sometimes.

Joff - a) thanks and b) the bear will indeed be a he. I might have to alter all of my pants for maximum effect. BEAR ALL HA HA. Also I thought everyone went commando at work sometimes? I tried to implement Commando Thursdays once but it never really took off. Prudes.

Brooke - He will be called Niko.

Jude - am glad you enjoy it! That is what it is for. Someone believed that story once for a full 30 seconds. People are foolish.

Holly - but so many of my stories start like that :(

mysterg - I do see your point - TFC was not that bad - but really, can I be expected to stay with someone who doesn't enjoy NetHack? And I wasn't going to make an ad, but now I totally am.

Kaileigh - that sounds like a pretty practical type of grandmother to me!

Josh - you are right. And in answer to your question I was putting on my pants and fell over but I had my shoes still on it was a long story.

Baglady - Your enthusiasm has cemented my resolve! I shall get the tattoo!

Anon - My faith in my ancestors is restored.

Gary said...

'Also I thought everyone went commando at work sometimes? I tried to implement Commando Thursdays once but it never really took off. Prudes.'

You might possibly be every boys dream girl.