I'm really sorry about this post - it's not classy or witty at all, just a story about how someone at my work had MEGA GAS today. To give you an idea of how close to said end, in this post the word 'fart' appears 17 times. Feel free to skip and keep your reputation of me intact.
Work was awful today. A (female) colleague who I shall not name is having a 'gas treatment' tomorrow and apparently until then her bowels are all out of order. Basically, she did not stop farting all day. I came in about 8.30 and already the room smelt...off. Not pooey, not eggy, just a bit farty. I didn't really want to ask who was responsible in case it was a paraplegic like last time so I just sat down.
About ten minutes later, Farty popped her head up over the cubicle and said without a shred of remorse, "I've been farting all morning. I'm going to be farting all day."
"Why did you come to work?" I said. I was pretending to be concerned for her health but actually I was just wondering why she was allowed to be within 5 metres of my desk, farting.
"Oh," she said, "I've used up all my sick days."
Oh my God, I wish she had taken an unpaid sick day. I wish someone had ordered her to go home. By lunchtime my mood was as foul as the air. I couldn't even drink from my water bottle because all I could taste was fart.
Then, of course, some bright spark decided to bust out the air freshener and prove that age-old saying, "The only thing worse than fart is fart and air freshener," once and for all. It was so fucking disgusting.
By the end of the day, people were entering our office, sniffing the air, and looking faintly nauseous but being too polite to ask. It is not a small office. I'm pretty sure that if we had a barometer it would've read at about 30% humidity (made of fart).
Through it all, Farty sat about complaining about how she couldn't eat anything before the treatment, thus managing to offend nose and ears at once.
Then after lunch another workmate started farting regularly in what I can only assume was some horribly misguided expression of solidarity, tainting the reeking gas/air freshener mix with a new, slightly different smell which, although distinctly not the same fart, was recognisably a fart nonetheless.
By the end of the day I'm pretty sure that everyone in the office had given up and used the fug of fart as a cover - a smoke-screen, if you will - to cheerfully void their bowels of all and any excess wind. There we all sat, selling advertising and discreetly farting. All. Day. In the fart.
Moral of the story: if you have a medical condition which causes you to pass wind uncontrollably then FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO NOT GO TO WORK.