Monday, September 14, 2009

FART FART FARTY FART DAY

I'm really sorry about this post - it's not classy or witty at all, just a story about how someone at my work had MEGA GAS today. To give you an idea of how close to said end, in this post the word 'fart' appears 17 times. Feel free to skip and keep your reputation of me intact.

Work was awful today. A (female) colleague who I shall not name is having a 'gas treatment' tomorrow and apparently until then her bowels are all out of order. Basically, she did not stop farting all day. I came in about 8.30 and already the room smelt...off. Not pooey, not eggy, just a bit farty. I didn't really want to ask who was responsible in case it was a paraplegic like last time so I just sat down.

About ten minutes later, Farty popped her head up over the cubicle and said without a shred of remorse, "I've been farting all morning. I'm going to be farting all day."
"Why did you come to work?" I said. I was pretending to be concerned for her health but actually I was just wondering why she was allowed to be within 5 metres of my desk, farting.
"Oh," she said, "I've used up all my sick days."
Oh my God, I wish she had taken an unpaid sick day. I wish someone had ordered her to go home. By lunchtime my mood was as foul as the air. I couldn't even drink from my water bottle because all I could taste was fart.

Then, of course, some bright spark decided to bust out the air freshener and prove that age-old saying, "The only thing worse than fart is fart and air freshener," once and for all. It was so fucking disgusting.

By the end of the day, people were entering our office, sniffing the air, and looking faintly nauseous but being too polite to ask. It is not a small office. I'm pretty sure that if we had a barometer it would've read at about 30% humidity (made of fart).

Through it all, Farty sat about complaining about how she couldn't eat anything before the treatment, thus managing to offend nose and ears at once.

Then after lunch another workmate started farting regularly in what I can only assume was some horribly misguided expression of solidarity, tainting the reeking gas/air freshener mix with a new, slightly different smell which, although distinctly not the same fart, was recognisably a fart nonetheless.

By the end of the day I'm pretty sure that everyone in the office had given up and used the fug of fart as a cover - a smoke-screen, if you will - to cheerfully void their bowels of all and any excess wind. There we all sat, selling advertising and discreetly farting. All. Day. In the fart.


Moral of the story: if you have a medical condition which causes you to pass wind uncontrollably then FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO NOT GO TO WORK.

11 comments:

James said...

Oh dear... this is incredibly coincidental! Someone at my work today dropped a really nasty one, and it lingered for an impressively long time. It must take guts (no pun intended) to sit there all day farting with everyone knowing it's you.

Ah, fart stories. They never get old.

otherworldlyone said...

That is the one of the reasons I hated working in cubicles. Now that I have an office I thought, "There's no way in hell anyone can gas me out of my own office."

Riiiight.

My boss comes to my office to play her ass symphony. She swears it's a coincidence and not on purpose. But she's a dirty liar.

mysterg said...

This had me in stitches!

"I didn't really want to ask who was responsible in case it was a paraplegic like last time so I just sat down?" - dare we ask?!

And why is it that we can quite happily bathe in our own aroma of fart yet despise others?

Baglady said...

all I could taste was fart

I feel like you went through this torture just for me.. You know how I love toilet humour.

Am still chuckling now.

Thank you.

wv=codmi. Something someone says when they need to snap out of it. The correct response is to slap them round the face with a cold, wet cod.

Josh said...

Composition of flatus gases

Nitrogen, the main constituent of air, is the primary gas released during flatulence, along with carbon dioxide, which is present in higher quantities in those who drink carbonated beverages regularly. The lesser component gases methane and hydrogen are flammable, and so flatus containing adequate amounts of these can be ignited. However, not all humans produce flatus that contains methane...The gas released during a flatus event frequently has an unpleasant odor which mainly results from low molecular weight fatty acids, such as butyric acid, (rancid butter smell) and reduced sulphur compounds, such as hydrogen sulphide (rotten egg smell) and carbonyl sulphide. All of these components are the result of protein breakdown... Such odor can also be caused by the presence of large numbers of microflora bacteria and/or the presence of faeces in the rectum.

The major components of the flatus, which are odorless, by percentage are:[2]

* Nitrogen - 20% - 90%
* Hydrogen - 0% - 50%
* Carbon Dioxide - 10% - 30%
* Oxygen - 0% - 10%
* Methane - 0% - 10%

- Wikipedia

Well there you go.... This knowledge makes farts seem even more gross - the smell is those chemicals going up your nose and interacting with the receptor proteins.

Ewwww

jummy tee said...

Fire is the only way. A candle held as close as possible to the offending bum. You could ring her with candles next time, claim Gaia told you in a dream.

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

My eyes!! Oh my god, my eyes are watering just reading this post.

Holly said...

Oh dear. That really was very unfortunate, for all involved! Ew.

Joff said...

Shamelessly stolen from the "funniest things said during sex thread on Reddit":

"Mid way through I ripped a good fart. We were a new couple at the time so it was either apologize or go with it.
I went for it and yelled TURBO BOOST!!! Had to pause for a bit though for her to catch her breath."


I may have to remember this for next time

Madame DeFarge said...

This is too painful. Hysterical, but too too painfully true.

IT IS ALLY said...

James - oh man. I would have been so embarrassed if it was me, and yet she was shameless.

otherworldly - I'm pretty sure it's on purpose. Sometimes I used to fart in other people's cubicles. I'm not proud of it, but I did.

mysterg - there was this one time when I thought someone was farting but actually it was a paraplegic who had had an accident - v embarrassing.

Baglady - you know, I thought about this post and whether or not to post it because it was all about farts. And then I remembered your love of toilet humour and went ahead.

Josh - EWWW FART SCIENCE. Imagine being a scientist who studied farts

jummy tee - fair suggestion, but I might get fired :(

Tenny - YOU WEREN'T THERE, MAN

Holly - it was so gross. So, so gross.

Joff - remind me not to sleep with you

MdF - Hopefully it never happens again.