Monday, November 16, 2009

Baby Names

Following on from the Baby Banjo debacle, I was thinking about baby names.

Best baby name of the year and possibly decade goes to friends of friends whose last name starts with M, and who have called their recent baby Thomas Oliver (or Owen or Oscar). So not only is his name Tom, but his initials are also TOM. I was SO IMPRESSED by this. Seriously. Ingenious.

Here are some names I might call my children:
  1. Eeyore (firstborn). Is a good name which never gets used. Mentioned this to Andrea, and she said, "Aren't your children going to be called Biscuit and Salty or something?"
  2. Whistle, Biscuit and Hedge (if triplets). This is best combination ever.
  3. Alexander (although I also like Max and Zach. My baby is totally going to be hardcore enough for a name with x's and z's. Why is their no name with both? Maybe I will create on. Zunix? Xazot? Pozax? Man, Pozax is a great name.)
  4. Ruby - I used to like this name for a girl, but then Kate said it was a hooker name and now I'm going to have to go with one of my backup choices of Cherry, Charmaine or Jazmin.
  5. Tarquin - although I have been told repeatedly that this is a horrible thing to call a child, surely it would be ok as middle name? Is better than Bucket-face or Death Mongrel.
  6. Brucena - female form of Bruce. I am not kidding, at my old job one of my clients was called Brucena. She was a lovely lady too.
  7. Adolf - this is a lovely-sounding name. Cannot work out why it is so unpopular.
  8. Zippy - brilliant name. "This is my son, Zippy." Although Kate once had a guinea-pig (guineapig? guinea pig? cavy?) called Zippy. Kate ruins all my good baby names.
  9. Yes (because my last name is pronounced M'Lord. 'You Rang' is also a contender)
  10. Anything on the Tom TOM principle - Sam Ashton Mullord. Timothy Ignatius Mullord. Pamela Anderson Mullord.

Of course, you have to get it past the Department of Internal Affairs, who can be kind of picky (they denied a couple who wanted to call their twins Fish and Chips).

Hey, people who have children, what did you call them? Why did you call them that?
People who do not have children, what would you call a child, if, I don't know, someone left it on your doorstep and you had to take it in?

Incidentally, a list of top 10 names for intelligent children was recently published in the UK and my name (Alice) is totally on it. Does anyone know how to fix a headset which has mayonnaise in it? It's still not really working so well.


chris.dadness said...

Zunix, Xazot, and Pozax are sedatives. You can still name your baby that but you'll need to talk to Pfizer licensing people first. How about just naming him "Pfizer"?

I once had a problem with squeaky wipers on my my car. I fixed this by renaming them "squeakers". What I am saying is think of your "headphones" as "salad" - just add some shreeded lettuce and perhaps some Fremantle sardines and shaved parmesan.

a cat of impossible colour said...

Chris's comment is amazing. Seriously. A self-help book could be written using that principle. Have a problem? CALL IT SOMETHING ELSE. Then it is no longer a problem!! This is genius. I am going to rename my cat 'vomit-machine' and my fish 'fish-tank-dirtier' and then I will never be annoyed with either of them ever again.

I like good, solid traditional names. Like Beaker and Wally. Just kidding. Like Michael, David, Andrew, Margaret, Elizabeth etc.

Joff said...

I would name my child Death Mongrel, or perhaps Deathbucket.

Mainly so they would inevitably grow up to be f'ing metal, just like it's Daddy

\m/ >_< \m/

Pegasus said...

Thought this was a great idea until I thought he might get teased and called Tom Tom

Anonymous said...

Jazmin is so a hoe name too.

Tabitha said...

I know someone who called their baby Zak Aaron King. Totally not on purpose either.

IT IS ALLY said...

Chris - that is a great philosophy! Andrea is right, is the makings of a self-help book right there.

Andrea- I am going to start calling you Beaker

Joff - yeah man, if my kids aren't metal I'm going to beat them

Pegasus - hmmm. Good point.

Anonymous - may have missed the point.

Tabitha - That is awesome. It's actually better than TomTom. Also, thank you for commenting! And hello :)

Anonymous said...

I liked Max for my secondborn, but was advised that Max Meek sounds like a superhero before he gets into his costume. So true! So, I named him after my favourite childhood stuffed toy instead.

Holly said...

LOL at "You Rang?" *insert huge groan, then chuckle*

I don't know what I'd call my kid/s/ My family seems pretty big on repeating names through generations, especially with women, but they're all Jennifer and Agnes and Margaret etc.

I came across Avi (AH-vee) somewhere, for a girl, which I actually do like...hmm...?

a cat of impossible colour said...

What's wrong with being called Tom Tom? Better than being called Fatso or Googly Eyes or Halitosis Harry.

chris.dadness said...

Available now at, Think of Your Headphones As Salad by Dr Tempest Softerson (my non-de-plume).

My kids are Marcus and Michael. Bam. My advice to people actually naming an actual child is "use a name"- there are books.

Icy @ Individual Chic said...

Just for you because you asked nicely.

MissIcy's name is Sonja, after Red Sonja, the movie, with Bridgette Neilson and Arnie.

And no, I'm not kidding.

IT IS ALLY said...

Anon - hahaha. He wouldn't have suited Max, but Max Meek is SUCH a good name.

Holly - Avi? it reminds me of the .avi file extension. I'm so sorry if I just ruined it (it is your payback for being a summer bunny)

Andrea - yeah! Tom Tom implies one who Must Be Taken Seriously. Or a jungle chief, or a drum.

Chris - your name-choosing advice is v. good. You should start up a business as baby name advisor to the stars

Icy - lucky that Sonja is a nice name! Also lucky that your favourite movie isn't a porno. "This is my child, Hard-y Ballbanger." I totally just made that name up myself, too.