Friday, December 04, 2009

21 More Sleeps

Yesterday at the library someone had put a book about Dwarf Rabbits in the Cooking section and it made my day.

Am at Starbucks - they have wireless, but they also have dick-ass Christmas music. I like traditional carols - I am ALL OVER traditional carols - but I do not enjoy jazzed-up versions of O Holy Night and SC is Coming to Town. Does anyone actually enjoy these? Anyone? Also I'm pretty sure we're all aware SC is coming to town (in 21 more sleeps). Stop telling me.

Band is not helping my lack of festive cheer - as well as the Christmas parade this Sunday (about 40 mins of marching down the road playing Jingle Bell Rock and Snoopy's You-Know-What) we have three Christmas concerts to do. We're playing Happy Christmas (War is Over) at all of them. I have issues with this song as a) it is boring and b) it is long and c) war is not relevant. SC IS COMING TO TOWN IN ARMY FATIGUES now there is a carol I could get behind.


You'd better watch out, you better not cry
Better not pout, I'm telling you why
SC is coming to town
With a heart full of hate, a sack of grenades
If you're on his list I suggest that you pray
SC is coming to town.
He saw you kick that beggar, he saw you masturbate*
You can try to give to charity but it's probably too late (Oh!)
You better bow down, you better show fear
Decking the halls with entrails this year**
SC is coming to town

*or: His sleigh has rocket launchers, his reindeer have gone wild
It's well known that a bloodbath makes the Baby Jesus smile)

**or: The red of your blood will add festive cheer


If more carols were like that the festive season would be more fun.

Look, I wrote another one. To sing in schools.

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
Had a thing for midget porn
The thought of their tiny bodies
Made him feel all safe and warm
All of the other reindeer
Thought he was a pervy creep
and banned him from the stable
where all the other reindeer sleep.
Then one foggy xmas eve
Santa came to say,
"Rudolph please stop raping elves
They can not defend themselves"
Then how the media loved him!
Overcome with guilt and shame
Rudolph jumped off a building;
Christmas never was the same.

4 comments:

Holly said...

I think this might be the best blog post I have read today! Especially the last song!

I know what you mean about Christmas music driving you a bit mad. In the play I am in at the moment we have to sing Christmas carols with new lyrics added. They are poo compared to yours. The director should have hired you. Although then the show would not be appropriate for children anymore.

WV: icing. Hey! An actual word! o.O

a cat of impossible colour said...

I can't help feeling that you've had some sort of traumatic experience involving elves. First you have a pervy elf that gropes people, then a reindeer that rapes elves. I'm no Freud (thank goodness, because then my house would look like a penis), but there is a pattern.

WV = minket. A tiny Mink! Aw.

Andy said...

pfft to Santa you need to watch out for... the latest scourge of the burbs this xmas

pfft Santa

& you know your in trouble if a freakin Reindeer starts putting his head through that hole!!

Shirley Dockerill said...

yeay to new song lyrics