Monday, January 18, 2010

Weiners of the Week

Kayakers - in general they are kind of douchebags (the cyclists of the sea, if you will) but last week two of them jumped the weiner shark (does that sound rude to anyone else?) in a rather dramatic way. They decided to go for a nice kayak down a big river. That's coo'. However, the powers that be had issued a weather warning - in fact, they had issued it directly to these exact kayakers - that went, "Dear Kayakers: Don't go out today, the river is Dangerous and Swollen" (that's a good slogan for something.) The kayakers, being kayakers, went out anyway. Some time later an empty kayak was spotted spinning down the river, and Search & Rescue went out to search for, and eventually rescue, the kayakers. S&R then announced that the kayakers, by virtue of being stupid, had to pay the $4000 bill. (S&R hardly ever do this.) The kayakers said that they did not ask to be rescued, and therefore they were Not Going To Pay. Weiners!

People Who Do Theatresports - if you need an explanation of this then you, too, are a weiner. See also: that certain brand of Theatre People who treat every social occasion as an opportunity to talk too loudly and, eventually, do their monologue.

Tourism Auckland, who are trying to shut down John Kairau, a Maori guy who has taken to wearing a cloak, drawing on a 'felt-pen moko' and charging tourists $5 to have their photo taken with a 'real Maori.' I am all for this entrepreneurial spirit, especially as he said, "I am not doing this for financial interests. It is for cultural [reasons]. However, it is rather lucrative." Hahahaha. Tourism Aux are just shitty that they didn't think of it first. The weiners. What happened to Supporting Local Businesses?

People who send stupid txts to everyone on their contacts list - "*~*~* If u get ths msg it means u r a Fun Fearless Female!!1 *** send 2 all ur gals n dnt 4get 2 snd it bak to me :) *~*~* " ...and that's the first time you've heard from them in months. Also weiners: people who invite everyone on their Facebook friends list to join their Cause of the Week ("SAVE WELLINGTON'S FRUIT!") (although probably without the apostrophe). Along the same lines, my Christchurch-inhabitant friend recently received a sent-to-all fckbk message asking if she knew anyone who wanted a America. Sigh. Weiners. - It's Facebook. But for scene kids. I want to make it not be on the Internet any more. Also, did you guys know there is a wikihow on how to be a scene kid, and it's totally serious? Contains gems like "Find a word that isn't heard often, and then add it to your name, such as Penelope Poetry, Grace Giddy, Lee lightning, Melissa Melancholy, etc." and "When you type on things like AIM or Myspace, add extra letters to your words." Did you know that "Scene hair is just the same as emo hair, but with more color and personality?" WEINERRRRS. Man, they are in for a huge shock when they eventually gets jobs (not at Subway).

The Notebook (movie), anyone involved with - this is going be a bit controversial but fuck, I hated that movie so much.

The NZ blogger who keeps ignoring court name suppression orders and publishing details of the cases, and parties involved, on his website. He is pretending that he really cares about our (admittedly sometimes not great) name suppression laws but a) while he is garnering publicity there is already a review of these in place and b) the way to change laws is not to run around ignoring them and c) the whole thing is blatantly just a huge PR exercise to raise his blog stats, which is why I am not posting a link to it here. When it was pointed out that what he was doing was illegal and he might be prosecuted, he said, "I'm sure the police have better things to do." What a weiner.

Tom Cruise - do we really need a reason? Imagine if he and John Mayer hosted a talkshow together. Speaking of which...

John Mayer, King of the Weiners! Here he is, telling us a bit about himself - "I aggressively try to mastermind the unmastermindable. I apply science to things where there is no science."
Here he is again, talking about why he can never leave Twitter - "When you neuter your own Twitter account, you show fear. I think you show fear when you delete it -- it would show defeat. ... And I have a problem showing defeat." Oh, John Mayer. I wish someone would neuter you.

ps: if you don't like this whole WotW thing I am sorry but I absolutely love it and it is staying.


chris.dadness said...

Just getting in early to say you got your flaunt and flout mixed up. Fix it and delete my comment, that would be my advice.

Yours, kind of weinerishly

IT IS ALLY said...

ahhh you weiner! Thanks, though :)

Holly said...

I laughed so hard when I read about that Maori guy! I don't think he's doing anything wrong. People are choosing, on their own, to pay to take a photo with him. If they're happy with it and he's profiting from it, good luck to him! Almost as awesome as this guy: :)

I didn't like The Notebook either. I saw it on TV and it...was boring.

*uncorked said...

I love you for this post. And I HATED The Notebook as well. They should all go kayaking.

Brooke said...

I hated The Notebook too! I thought I was the only girl in the world who did! Also weiners:guys who try to get into your good books by saying they loved it.

(I love theatresports, though. Scared Scriptless = awesome)

My weiner of the week = Pat Robertson, the American Evangelist who said that the Haitians deserved the earthquake because the made a pact with the devil 200 years ago (or whatever).

omchelsea said...

I hate it when people spell wiener weiner.

chris.dadness said...

Touché. Although apparently weiner is yiddish for "wine merchant".

a cat of impossible colour said...

I really hated The Notebook as well. Surprised to see how many other people do, too!

green ink said...

Don't ever get rid of WOTW, I love it :D

Tooting Squared said...

But I'm a small bit scared that one day I will fall into one of your wiener categories. That would Not Be Good.

Helga said...

Freakin' fantastic.Love a good rant. Speaking of weinerishness,who makes up these weiner word verification thingys,anyhow??!!

IT IS ALLY said...

I am so glad there are so many secret Notebook-haters. I am also glad there are so many secret WotW lovers, it makes my day (no, actually)

Also: I am going to look into this wiener/weiner thing, but for the time being I am declaring "weiner" the British spelling. If someone British/trained in linguistics would like to back me up that would be great.

Tooting2 - There are always exceptions, like the not inconsiderable number of people who have friends that do theatresports :p

Helga - I know, they are odd. Andrea got herpes last a word verification. Boom boom!

otherworldlyone said...

I always read the last bit about John Mayer first. Heh.

Andy said...

This is important.. maybe brilliant.. maybe stupid.

but definitely Italian Weiner of the Week

Helga said...

Herpes?! WTF??!!What's next?SYPHILIS???

Mrs. L said...

In German, ie is pronounced E and ei is pronounced I. So wiener should sound like WEENER and weiner should sound like WHINER.

I know, counterintuitive.

Of course, people who aren't German don't know this German spelling/pronounciation do-dah. As a matter of fact, even the dictionary has thrown in the towel and decided that "weiner" is an acceptable alternate spelling for "wiener."

Or, as you so aptly put it, weiner is simply the British spelling.

Uh-oh, I think this comment makes me a wiener.

The Mad Fat Girl said...

Yea...totally agree with The Notebook thing. Its such a dumb movie!