EDIT: I did not realise when I started writing this that there were going to be so many wieners. I guess I just started ranting and got on a wiener roll. Don't be put off by post length! You could always read half and come back to the rest later!People who start a sentence with 'no offence' and then say something really offensive. Tacking a 'no offence' onto the front doesn't actually change the meaning of whatever you're about to say. Why don't you try switching it for, "I'm about to be really rude -" or "I'm about to say something out of line." See also: "Don't take this the wrong way, but..." and "I think you'll find..."
People with over-dramatic sneezes - I admit that my sneeze is mildly ridiculous (it is a kittenish "ah-eesh-cha!") but at least it is quiet. People who sneeze loudly and dramatically annoy me. The wieners. If a sneeze takes them by surprise they are quite capable of going "ah-choo!" like a normal person, but let them feel the sneeze coming on and you are in for a treat. First there is the build-up roar - "roooaAAA-" and then the sneeze itself "-CHOOOOOOOAAA-" and then the decline "-AAsshhchhchhchh." And then they whip out a hankie and blow their nose dramatically and look like they are expecting applause. Dad: this means you. But not just you. Over-sneezers are everywhere.
P cooks messing up my cold & flu meds - Back in the day, cold & flu medication used to have pseudoephedrine in it. This was effective and made you feel better. Then people who did not actually have colds started buying the medication and making drugs out of it, and the government shouted about drugs a lot, and the medication manufacturers had to replace the pseudoephedrine with something similar but not as effective. Thank you, criminal underworld, for making it harder to get over a cold. Thanks a bunch. You fucking wieners.
Food allergies that aren't. Food allergies in general are mildly annoying, especially if you work in hospitality and have to deal with people who have an allergy or intolerance (gluten is a prime example) and get really angry when you don't have a huge range of gluten-free items. Seriously? I appreciate that it's hard(ish) to find gluten-free food, but that doesn't mean every restaurant in the world is required to provide numerous gluten-free feasts. If you want more than a couple of menu options, maybe you should go to a restaurant that specialises in gluten-free. Just like maybe if you want more than a couple of steak options you shouldn't be at a seafood place. (Just to clarify - got nothing against people with food allergies, only against people who are self-indulgent wieners about it.) Taking it to another level are the people who claim to have an allergy but actually just have a dislike - I used to work at a Mexican restaurant and this happened quite a lot:
Customer: "No onions, I'm allergic to onion."
Me: "Ok, all of our sauces are onion-based...would you like to choose something else?"
Customer: "Oh, no, it's just big bits of onion I can't eat."
You know what? It's ok to say you don't like onion and don't want any. We are ok with you not liking onion. Why is the thought process, "But there might still be onion! If I say I'm allergic, there definitely won't be any onion!" No, there won't. But you will be a wiener.
Customers who lie to get free stuff - Phone rings. It is a grumpy old man who says that on Friday he rang up to put two ads in the paper, and only one appears. Normally when an ad doesn't go in we see the ad in our systems, and it'll be on hold or not fully paid or whatever. There is no record of a second ad. I took the ad on Friday and there was no second ad. I say that there is only one ad on his account. He says he paid for the second one with credit card. I say that if he can prove we've charged him for it there will be a free ad. He gets very huffy and says that isn't necessary, he wants his free ad. I say there is no record of a second ad. He says he has a record in his head. HE IS A LIAR. And he's going to get a free ad, because I'm not allowed to say, "Sir, you are a fucking liar." I hate this, and it happens all the time - customer says one thing, staff member says the other, customer shouts at management, management backs down. Customer gets free stuff. God damn it. (I have to call him back to tell him he gets a free ad - it's very, very tempting to say, "Look, sir, just to make you aware - we know you're lying about the second ad, but we're giving you a free one because no-one can be bothered arguing with you for your piddling little $20 notice.") Oh yeah, that's another one - when people call up wanting special deals, or wanting to sneak something in after deadline. "Come on," they wheedle, "can't you do anything for a good customer," and the threat creeps into their voice, "I've been a customer of you people for years, surely you can do this for me!" Sir, with all due respect, you spend $20 a week with us. We have companies who spend $20k a week with us, and we don't hold deadlines for them (and they don't ask us to, because they understand how rules work). Don't threaten to remove your business because, quite frankly, you are not as big of a fish as you think you are, and we might say, "Ok! No more ads for you!" and then you will be fucked, won't you.
Tyra Banks - Seriously, who gave this ridiculous woman a talk show? She is a model. Her entire career is based around not talking, because she says brainless things like "Black women don't have the same body image problems as white women. They are proud of their bodies. Black men love big butts," and "I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven't seen anything. I don't really care." What a role model.
People who describe themselves as writers or novelists, despite having no published work. If you are a plumber who has written a poem, that does not make you a writer; it makes you a plumber who has written a poem. Same goes for being a farmer who is working on a novel - you are just that. Not a novelist. I, for example, am a salesperson who has a blog and once completed national novel writing month. This means that I don't put "blogger" or "author" as my occupation, I put "sales." If I was working on a novel then I would say, "I am a salesperson, but I'm also working on a novel." I would not say, "Well, I work in sales, but I'm actually a writer." Or, "I'm a writer, but at the moment I'm working in sales, until I finish my novel." (Don't worry, I'm not actually writing a novel.) Andrea (who is a writer) thinks, and I agree, that you don't get to put 'author' as your profession until you're doing it professionally i.e. someone is paying you to make words. It doesn't seem that hard, does it? "Oh, I'm a doctor." "Really?" "Well, I work for an advertising company, but I've done a first aid course, and I find medicine really interesting." See also: people who say things like, "When I retire, I'm going to write a novel?" Really? How charming. When I retire, I'm going to be a biologist. Or perhaps a dentist. Do that root canal I've never gotten round to.
Whaling protest boats - I've complained about this before, I know. I don't approve of whaling, but I also don't like protesters. Twice they have thrown missiles at Japanese whaling ships. Twice Japanese whaling ships have rammed them and they have run squealing to the media, yapping on about how mean the Japanese are. Are they going to stop throwing things at them? No. This is like the small child who sits there poking his brother in the nose repeatedly and then, when the brother finally loses his temper and whacks him, goes crying to Mummy that Robert hit him and it wasn't his fa-ault. (Not that I support the Japanese ramming other people, but seriously, when you know the consequences and do something anyway, you lose any right to complain. Which leads me to...)
People who try to get out of entirely justified fines - Prime example here is the woman who got fined $150 for driving in the bus lane. Bus lanes - which are painted bright green and have BUS LANE written on them in large white letters - are a relatively new thing, and their introduction was preceded by months of advertising the dates they came into effect and the fine that would be given to people who drove in the bus lane. This woman drove in the bus lane BUT she is a beneficiary and is now under extreme emotional stress and it just isn't fair because she didn't even know she was in a bus lane, and now she has gone to the (community) paper and had a tantrum about how she shouldn't have to shell out the $150. Sheesh, lady. You were in the bus lane. Are you a bus? No. You are not a bus. Shut up and pay your fine.
Jack (and her beanstalk) - I went to a party on the weekend and there was a girl there whose nickname was Jack, as in Jack and the Beanstalk, because (according to her friend) she is always disappearing from the room to 'flick the bean.' I arrived too late to be part of the incident, but apparently during a game of drunken Uno (it's the new Texas Hold'em) she left the room to, you know, spank the monkey. Seriously? In the middle of a party? Maybe I am being old-fashioned here, but last time I checked leaving the room to have a wank was not acceptable party behaviour. Perhaps she was masturbating herself out of a difficult life situation? Which leads me to...
John Mayer, Wiener Emperor, talking about his early, angst-filled years. Showing his tough side.
"If my blood were alphabet soup, it would spell, 'I'll show you, motherfucker.'"
Don't be ridiculous, John Mayer, you wiener. You are not Samuel L. Jackson. Nothing about you spells motherfucker. If your blood was alphabet soup, it would spell D-O-U-C-H-E-B-A-G, and I might just have to say so at your Wellington concert.
Concert tickets: $100
Calling John Mayer a wiener to his face: Priceless