Monday, February 08, 2010

Wieners of the Week

EDIT: I did not realise when I started writing this that there were going to be so many wieners. I guess I just started ranting and got on a wiener roll. Don't be put off by post length! You could always read half and come back to the rest later!

People who start a sentence with 'no offence' and then say something really offensive. Tacking a 'no offence' onto the front doesn't actually change the meaning of whatever you're about to say. Why don't you try switching it for, "I'm about to be really rude -" or "I'm about to say something out of line." See also: "Don't take this the wrong way, but..." and "I think you'll find..."

People with over-dramatic sneezes - I admit that my sneeze is mildly ridiculous (it is a kittenish "ah-eesh-cha!") but at least it is quiet. People who sneeze loudly and dramatically annoy me. The wieners. If a sneeze takes them by surprise they are quite capable of going "ah-choo!" like a normal person, but let them feel the sneeze coming on and you are in for a treat. First there is the build-up roar - "roooaAAA-" and then the sneeze itself "-CHOOOOOOOAAA-" and then the decline "-AAsshhchhchhchh." And then they whip out a hankie and blow their nose dramatically and look like they are expecting applause. Dad: this means you. But not just you. Over-sneezers are everywhere.

P cooks messing up my cold & flu meds - Back in the day, cold & flu medication used to have pseudoephedrine in it. This was effective and made you feel better. Then people who did not actually have colds started buying the medication and making drugs out of it, and the government shouted about drugs a lot, and the medication manufacturers had to replace the pseudoephedrine with something similar but not as effective. Thank you, criminal underworld, for making it harder to get over a cold. Thanks a bunch. You fucking wieners.

Food allergies that aren't. Food allergies in general are mildly annoying, especially if you work in hospitality and have to deal with people who have an allergy or intolerance (gluten is a prime example) and get really angry when you don't have a huge range of gluten-free items. Seriously? I appreciate that it's hard(ish) to find gluten-free food, but that doesn't mean every restaurant in the world is required to provide numerous gluten-free feasts. If you want more than a couple of menu options, maybe you should go to a restaurant that specialises in gluten-free. Just like maybe if you want more than a couple of steak options you shouldn't be at a seafood place. (Just to clarify - got nothing against people with food allergies, only against people who are self-indulgent wieners about it.) Taking it to another level are the people who claim to have an allergy but actually just have a dislike - I used to work at a Mexican restaurant and this happened quite a lot:
Customer: "No onions, I'm allergic to onion."
Me: "Ok, all of our sauces are onion-based...would you like to choose something else?"
Customer: "Oh, no, it's just big bits of onion I can't eat."
You know what? It's ok to say you don't like onion and don't want any. We are ok with you not liking onion. Why is the thought process, "But there might still be onion! If I say I'm allergic, there definitely won't be any onion!" No, there won't. But you will be a wiener.

Customers who lie to get free stuff - Phone rings. It is a grumpy old man who says that on Friday he rang up to put two ads in the paper, and only one appears. Normally when an ad doesn't go in we see the ad in our systems, and it'll be on hold or not fully paid or whatever. There is no record of a second ad. I took the ad on Friday and there was no second ad. I say that there is only one ad on his account. He says he paid for the second one with credit card. I say that if he can prove we've charged him for it there will be a free ad. He gets very huffy and says that isn't necessary, he wants his free ad. I say there is no record of a second ad. He says he has a record in his head. HE IS A LIAR. And he's going to get a free ad, because I'm not allowed to say, "Sir, you are a fucking liar." I hate this, and it happens all the time - customer says one thing, staff member says the other, customer shouts at management, management backs down. Customer gets free stuff. God damn it. (I have to call him back to tell him he gets a free ad - it's very, very tempting to say, "Look, sir, just to make you aware - we know you're lying about the second ad, but we're giving you a free one because no-one can be bothered arguing with you for your piddling little $20 notice.") Oh yeah, that's another one - when people call up wanting special deals, or wanting to sneak something in after deadline. "Come on," they wheedle, "can't you do anything for a good customer," and the threat creeps into their voice, "I've been a customer of you people for years, surely you can do this for me!" Sir, with all due respect, you spend $20 a week with us. We have companies who spend $20k a week with us, and we don't hold deadlines for them (and they don't ask us to, because they understand how rules work). Don't threaten to remove your business because, quite frankly, you are not as big of a fish as you think you are, and we might say, "Ok! No more ads for you!" and then you will be fucked, won't you.

Tyra Banks - Seriously, who gave this ridiculous woman a talk show? She is a model. Her entire career is based around not talking, because she says brainless things like "Black women don't have the same body image problems as white women. They are proud of their bodies. Black men love big butts," and "I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven't seen anything. I don't really care." What a role model.

People who describe themselves as writers or novelists, despite having no published work. If you are a plumber who has written a poem, that does not make you a writer; it makes you a plumber who has written a poem. Same goes for being a farmer who is working on a novel - you are just that. Not a novelist. I, for example, am a salesperson who has a blog and once completed national novel writing month. This means that I don't put "blogger" or "author" as my occupation, I put "sales." If I was working on a novel then I would say, "I am a salesperson, but I'm also working on a novel." I would not say, "Well, I work in sales, but I'm actually a writer." Or, "I'm a writer, but at the moment I'm working in sales, until I finish my novel." (Don't worry, I'm not actually writing a novel.) Andrea (who is a writer) thinks, and I agree, that you don't get to put 'author' as your profession until you're doing it professionally i.e. someone is paying you to make words. It doesn't seem that hard, does it? "Oh, I'm a doctor." "Really?" "Well, I work for an advertising company, but I've done a first aid course, and I find medicine really interesting." See also: people who say things like, "When I retire, I'm going to write a novel?" Really? How charming. When I retire, I'm going to be a biologist. Or perhaps a dentist. Do that root canal I've never gotten round to.

Whaling protest boats - I've complained about this before, I know. I don't approve of whaling, but I also don't like protesters. Twice they have thrown missiles at Japanese whaling ships. Twice Japanese whaling ships have rammed them and they have run squealing to the media, yapping on about how mean the Japanese are. Are they going to stop throwing things at them? No. This is like the small child who sits there poking his brother in the nose repeatedly and then, when the brother finally loses his temper and whacks him, goes crying to Mummy that Robert hit him and it wasn't his fa-ault. (Not that I support the Japanese ramming other people, but seriously, when you know the consequences and do something anyway, you lose any right to complain. Which leads me to...)

People who try to get out of entirely justified fines
- Prime example here is the woman who got fined $150 for driving in the bus lane. Bus lanes - which are painted bright green and have BUS LANE written on them in large white letters - are a relatively new thing, and their introduction was preceded by months of advertising the dates they came into effect and the fine that would be given to people who drove in the bus lane. This woman drove in the bus lane BUT she is a beneficiary and is now under extreme emotional stress and it just isn't fair because she didn't even know she was in a bus lane, and now she has gone to the (community) paper and had a tantrum about how she shouldn't have to shell out the $150. Sheesh, lady. You were in the bus lane. Are you a bus? No. You are not a bus. Shut up and pay your fine.

Jack (and her beanstalk) - I went to a party on the weekend and there was a girl there whose nickname was Jack, as in Jack and the Beanstalk, because (according to her friend) she is always disappearing from the room to 'flick the bean.' I arrived too late to be part of the incident, but apparently during a game of drunken Uno (it's the new Texas Hold'em) she left the room to, you know, spank the monkey. Seriously? In the middle of a party? Maybe I am being old-fashioned here, but last time I checked leaving the room to have a wank was not acceptable party behaviour. Perhaps she was masturbating herself out of a difficult life situation? Which leads me to...

John Mayer, Wiener Emperor, talking about his early, angst-filled years. Showing his tough side.
"If my blood were alphabet soup, it would spell, 'I'll show you, motherfucker.'"
Don't be ridiculous, John Mayer, you wiener. You are not Samuel L. Jackson. Nothing about you spells motherfucker. If your blood was alphabet soup, it would spell D-O-U-C-H-E-B-A-G, and I might just have to say so at your Wellington concert.

Flights: $150
Accommodation: $80
Concert tickets: $100
Calling John Mayer a wiener to his face: Priceless


a cat of impossible colour said...

Salvador Dali used to leave the room at parties to masturbate, but then he was Salvador Dali. And a surrealist. So doing surreal stuff was kind of his thing. Jack is not a famous artist or a surrealist, as far as I know, and so should keep her bean-flicking to herself.

How do people know that's what she's doing, anyway? Does she announce it? That would make for one hell of an awkward silence.

chris.dadness said...

It cracks me up to see "America's Superlative Thing" adapted in Australia, where we have limited numbers of talented/shameless people.

But (I'm about to say something really rude) "NZ's Hottest Home Baker"? "NZ's Next Top Model"? You only have 5 million people (and 1 million of them are backpacking OS just now) so how "Hot" and "Top" could these models and bakers be?

In my defence I love New Zealand enormously and one of my hobbies is saying "Whakatane".

Amen to the sneezing. Worked with a guy in a cubicle format where you had no visual cues someone about 1 metre away was about to sneeze. He had a simple 1-step sneeze: all is quiet, then HRAGHHH! at top volume. I am not a nervous person but as I was sometimes doing paste-up work with a scalpel I had to go and fill in an official Wiener Removal Request.

Vanilla said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Vanilla said...

I am about to be really rude.

I suspect your going to end up sleeping with John Mayer.

But that’s ok, as long as you stop midway through and announce that you are going to masturbate and then leave the room.

But that’s not worth $330 dollars so make sure that you steal some bathrobes on the way out of the hotel.

Sorry to post twice but I realised I spelt masturbate wrong and just couldn’t leave it alone.

Pun intended.

IT IS ALLY said...

Andrea - I did not know that about Dali. Her friend announced it - good friend, no? - in kind of a "don't mind her, she's just off to [insert euphemism here]" way. Apparently.

Chris - Very, very true about NZ's Next Top Whatever. We just like to feel included, that's all. NZ Idol was especially terrible. Whakatane is a good word. So is whakapapa. WHAKA WHAKA WHAKA - that's the part you enjoy, isn't it?

Vanilla - Hahahahahahaha! Awesome. They better be nice towels. Poor JM, it would destroy his fragile, fragile ego. I have the giggles now.

otherworldlyone said...

The sneezing thing drives me CRAZY. My mother is a very dramatic sneezer. I swear she could shatter glass.

Jack might be on to the cure for anxiety. Xanax wouldn't be needed if you could just pop out and take care of business at hand.

There seems to be a never ending supply of ridiculous John Mayor quotes.

Juli Ryan said...

I guess Emily Dickinson (or anyone else who was published posthumously) was not a poet. Pity.

(Don't worry. I know I'm a wiener.)

IT IS ALLY said...

ow1 - tee hee, 'business at hand!' Every week there is a 'sleeper wiener' which is something that I am amazed so many people hate - the Notebook was one. This week's one is sneezers. re: John Mayer - I know! Every week I think I'll run out of material. But I never do.

Juli - perhaps posthumous blog followers will help? :p

Wendy said...

Love your list. Except I think I'm actually one of those weiners. But the first step in recovery is admitting you have a problem, so thank you for facilitating my recovery. :D

Stephen Stratford said...

A superb list of wieners.

What irritates me about "People who describe themselves as writers or novelists, despite having no published work" is when they say they are writing a book.

"No," I say, "you are writing a manuscript. It becomes a book when a publisher decides to invest a lot of money in it. And then it is in the shops so we can buy it. Or not"

IT IS ALLY said...

Wendy - it is OK. Sometimes I am one of the wieners, too. There have been so many that I'm pretty sure by now everyone is kind of a wiener! Unless you are secretly John Mayer. That is not OK.

Stephen - VERY good point. I shall mention that in future, when the subject comes up (more often than you might think).

Anonymous said...

I tried to tell Colin Mathara-Jeffree about what you said and he and his friends laughed and he said "tell me one thing...does she say horrible things about everyone" and I was stumped- and said yeah and he said she is a piece of shit then...and best ignored...then he stopped and she ugly...looks ugly said some pretty girl with curly hair and I said youre not bad...and he said thats his world your nothing...I couldnt believe how he just brushed you off like your nothing...
I dont think youre that bad...I enjoy your posts...
They actually scared me more then I thought he would- they were loud and really tall...and vicious with the way they laughed at you.

Im a lesbian like youtoo.xx

IT IS ALLY said...

Hi Lattie! Don't be scared of C M-J, the only scary thing about him is his hair (and ego). Can't believe I am nothing to him!!! I think I'm going to cry. Oh no, wait...I'm going to not care. I always get those two confused.

ps yay lesbians!

a cat of impossible colour said...

Lattie - your comment was deeply odd. That is all.