Saturday, March 27, 2010


Okay so I was accidentally listening to (it was on the music tv & the remote was all the way over the other side of the room) this which is made by Jay-Z and has some awesome lyrics, like, "critics you can kiss my whole asshole" and "wouldn't bust a grape in a fruit fight," which from context I think is insult, but apart from that it is about how he has 99 problems but these problems are not with the ladies:

If you're havin' girl problems i feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one

Which seems kind of sensible, especially because she might get weird with all the whole-asshole kissing that's going on. But, really, Jay-Z, 99? 99 is a lot of problems. I thought about this. I even tried to make a list (don't worry, it only goes to 25, my life is kind of pretty unproblematic):

1. Can't drive
2. Am hungry
3. Have become too fat for band pants (concert tonight)
4. Unrequited love! (Spanish punctuation adds zing to complex emotional situations. Edit: I took it out cause it looked all wrong but there was an upside-down !. Guess I have a formatting problem too.)
5, 6, 7. Unrequited lust! (Three different instances, totally counts as three different problems)
8. We are almost out of milk and then I will have to buy some more!
9. Saw in the paper today that I typed "loving room" instead of "living room" in a property ad, will have to fix this on Monday
10. Have a cold
11. Cold & flu meds make my mouth dry = not good for playing trumpet
12. Mouth spray, to make mouth not dry, tastes GROSS
13. Have not plucked eyebrows in several millennia and now they are amazingly unruly
14. Coffee is cold (this is not major problem thanks to the invention of the microwave)
15. Band shirt is not very clean (am getting dressed)
16. Sometimes I have nightmares about inevitable catastrophes
17. This morning I paid $70 to be told I don't need glasses
18. I have awesome health insurance but I threw out the information pack and I don't know how to claim back my $70
19. Need to find a flat
20. Have to make a list of 99 problems
21. Band pants leave weird mark on stomach
22. Dog smells bad today (don't worry, he's a boy dog, bitch ain't one)
23. Spend too much money on crap
24. Need better shampoo
25. Was meant to clean the bathroom but didn't.

Are these the kind of problems Jay-Z has?

I think Jay-Z's problem is exaggerating.


apple cheeked, potato shaped girl said...

and just think about how many of these you can croos off soon,


2 or 3 as if you cure one you'l create the other so might be just best to accept one.

also if you accept hunger and cross that off you will solve 3 and 21

your cold will get better and you have finished the list.

funny post!

Anonymous said...

Jay Z's real list

1. Mum calling me Julian in front of buddies
2. Contacts making eyes itchy esp. when dry ice kicks in
3. Irritable bowel syndrome
4. Parking ticket from February - just ramped up to $75 - SHIT!!!!
5. Lost library card
6. Headache from acting stern & cross & when I'm actually not
7. Wish girls would hang around after cameras switch off. Breath?
etc etc.

Anonymous said...

Loving Room, nice!

a cat of impossible colour said...

HAHAHAHA! First Anonymous - that was hilarious.

Sarah said...

This post poses so many questions!!!

otherworldlyone said...

That's so funny. I've always kind of liked those particular lyrics.

Rachel said...

Now I feel the urge to make my own list of problems. I enjoyed this!

IT IS ALLY said...

AHAHAHAHAH my commenters are awesome. Especially you, Anonymous.

Kat - I was trying to COLLECT problems, not ELIMINATE them. Sheesh.

ow1 - Me too. I keep singing it at work. I can totally get behind not having bitch problems.

Rachel - you should! It is a positive experience because you realise that actually your life is less problematic that Jay-Z's, even though he is wealthier than you.

IT IS ALLY said...

Rachel - I'm just assuming. No offense if you are actually wealthier than Jay-Z.

J.T.G. said...

All ninety-nine of Jay-Z's problems are Chuck Norris.

J.T.G. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.