Monday, March 22, 2010

Would a zombie drive?*

*Better than I do? Probably. Would you give a zombie a company car? Probably not.

Can you have living proof of zombies? If not, what kind of proof can you have? (It came up while we were discussing Easter.) Also, why is the singular form of zombies not 'zomby'? Like, you know, babies. Zombie babie.

Anyway, over the next short while I will be embarking on a project called Learn To Drive In Three Weeks (Because You Rashly Applied For A Job Requiring You To Drive A Company Car Which You Are Totally Going To Drive Into The Sea By Accident Probably While It Has A Client In.) Well. A job where it would be advantageous to be able to drive a company car which you are totally going to etc.

Won't you join me on this journey? (I haven't actually got the job yet, by the way, but I really want it - the second interview is tomorrow & they asked 'what the turnaround would be' (yeah, it's that kind of a job) on licence and I said WITHIN A MONTH because I was over-excited and now I totally have to learn to drive and they probably aren't even going to hire me anyway because there might be some grown-ups applying. But at least it means I'll actually get around to getting my licence (I've never needed it until now so I've just not bothered). Driving is kind of terrifying in that I'm in charge of a huge chunk of deadly metal but then again I know some pretty fucking stupid people who drive just fine so I'm sure I can manage even though I have to learn to drive the kind with gears because that's what the company 'fleet' is OH GOD I'm going to stall in the middle of road in rush hour and everyone is going to shout at me and throw things and then I will get fired for giving people the finger from the heavily-logo-emblazoned-for-easy-brand-recognition company car.)

I am exaggerating. It's not so bad, I can kind of drive. If you broke your leg I would drive you to hospital and we would probably not hit anything, but you might bleed out because we'd be going about 20ks.

Mind you there is a pretty high chance that I will not get the job and have to revert to my old life plan (marry rich, divorce fast, move cities, repeat) but let's see. If anyone has any driving tips, now would be an excellent time. They'll come in handy when I'm skipping town anyway.

If anyone thinks I am a douchebag for trying to learn to drive in three weeks then thank you for your opinion which coincidentally I can't hear because I am too busy learning to drive super fast and inviting John Mayer and Mel Gibson and maybe even BONO to form a douchebag convoy, and then and we are going to drive past your house in our company cars and give you the FINGER.

In other news, I have had HEAPS of cold & flu medication today. Hands up if you can tell.

8 comments:

Ellie said...

Um, yeh. Codral? THat's good stuff.

Holly said...

OMG. I HATE driving. My first driving lesson involved and paddock with various animals in it, including pigs, llama and cattle. They all wanted to get out but there was a fence. It was very bad.

I especially hate manual cars. They suck.

Do you have your learners yet? Isn't there some kind of minimum waiting period for being able to drive on your own?

IT IS ALLY said...

Ellie - It makes me feel better and the side effects are awesome. Win-win.

Holly - I've had my learners for about 5 years! My most recent driving lesson ended up with some unscheduled offroading.

apple cheeked, potato shaped girl said...

Remember who I taught to drive?

that took 6 weeks and she passed first time

you can totally do it in 3

find out where they take you on the test so you can practice in that area.

Christine said...

Oooooh. I can sympathise. I used to be in a school program where I needed to have a car (which I didn't) and I needed to be able to drive it reasonably well (I couldn't). So, naturally, at the last minute, I bought an old Jetta and taught myself to drive manual, alone, in Ottawa, in winter. In the middle of the night. (Seriously, it was a midwifery training program, so I was out in the middle of the night a lot).
Which was not the highlight of my life, let me tell you. I survived though! And so will you!

It's one of those things, much like riding a bike (!) where all of a sudden it will just click and you will be a pro and will wonder what all the fuss was about.

wv = ambiked (what I am when I get my license taken away?)

Jackie said...

You will totally be able to figure it out in 3 weeks. Just stay calm :D

a cat of impossible colour said...

You will be totally fine. Driving is easy! The thing I found difficult was worrying about annoying other people on the road. I was always worried about holding someone up or doing something silly that would make them point and laugh. Then I stopped caring. Now I drive with great confidence and give people the finger with liberal generosity.

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