*this is a great title and I am pleased I used it (it was up against "NIGEL GAVIN RODNEY" and "Surprigel")
You know what is possibly the best thing ever? When you get home from band and you think, "Man, I really wish I had a beer right now." And then you realise that crap in a hat,* you bought beer yesterday and it is in the FRIDGE and you can go and get it right now! Man. It's like I just gave myself a surprise present.
*this is kind of my polite swear but it's also a pretty solid expression of incredulity: "$5 burritos? Crap in a hat!" I don't know where I got this from but there is a fckbk application for it so it must be a real thing. Run it all together - Crapinahat - and it sounds like an Asian deity.
Surprise parties are shit, though, aren't they? I hate surprise parties. I have no idea why anyone ever thinks they are a good idea. Twenty people all come to shout SURPRISE!!! at you and all you really want to do is shout OH FUCK OFF in response but then everyone gets very Put Out because they went to so much effort and invited all your friends. By which they mean five of your actual friends, three friends of those friends, eight random workmates, five people you can't stand, and at least one person that you deeply regret sleeping with and have been successfully avoiding for months.
Also if you listen to the trailer for Book of Eli there is a bit where it sounds like he says, "the future is in my ass." But it's hands. Ass would make a better movie. SOMEONE FETCH THE SPELUNKER LOS ANGELES IS FALLING INTO THE SEA you guys I am so sorry, I am sleep-deprived. Is LA even on the coast? Of course it fucking is. Crap in a hat.
Anyway, I was actually going to talk about names (I talked about baby names a while back but this is different) - I was going to talk about names because this afternoon I was thinking about my friend Nigel and how there are some names which just aren't very appealing, like 'Nigel'. And Gavin** and Kevin and Roger and Rodney and Hamish and Colin and Malcolm. I'm sorry to be nameist and shallow, but I cannot imagine myself loving a Rodney. "Hello, family. This is my partner-" (mumbled) "-Rodney." He would have to change his name to something kickass like Pozak, which is a name I made up. An awesome name I made up.
If any of my Names of Doom are your name (not the name of your child, you have no excuse for that) well then I apologise, and I'm sure that, like my friend Nigel*, you transcend its total lack of horn.
*in this context, 'friend' can be read as 'someone I fancy shagging'
**although when I was about 12 I had a munga crush on a floppy-haired, bespectacled Gavin and so for about a month the name took on a roseate glow. Actual text from my diary: "Even the name Gavin seems somehow different." More actual text from my diary: "Thought about Gavin all through Bio today. Was meant to be watching video about seagulls but didn't." Evidently my passion for writing down unimportant things for later reference started early. p.s. If I had a scanner, I could do you a totally legit heart graphic saying "AM + GB 4 EVA" or ten, diary is peppered with them. Oh Great Britain. How I love thee.