Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Surprises and Nigel*

*this is a great title and I am pleased I used it (it was up against "NIGEL GAVIN RODNEY" and "Surprigel")

You know what is possibly the best thing ever? When you get home from band and you think, "Man, I really wish I had a beer right now." And then you realise that crap in a hat,* you bought beer yesterday and it is in the FRIDGE and you can go and get it right now! Man. It's like I just gave myself a surprise present.

*this is kind of my polite swear but it's also a pretty solid expression of incredulity: "$5 burritos? Crap in a hat!" I don't know where I got this from but there is a fckbk application for it so it must be a real thing. Run it all together - Crapinahat - and it sounds like an Asian deity.

Surprise parties are shit, though, aren't they? I hate surprise parties. I have no idea why anyone ever thinks they are a good idea. Twenty people all come to shout SURPRISE!!! at you and all you really want to do is shout OH FUCK OFF in response but then everyone gets very Put Out because they went to so much effort and invited all your friends. By which they mean five of your actual friends, three friends of those friends, eight random workmates, five people you can't stand, and at least one person that you deeply regret sleeping with and have been successfully avoiding for months.

Also if you listen to the trailer for Book of Eli there is a bit where it sounds like he says, "the future is in my ass." But it's hands. Ass would make a better movie. SOMEONE FETCH THE SPELUNKER LOS ANGELES IS FALLING INTO THE SEA you guys I am so sorry, I am sleep-deprived. Is LA even on the coast? Of course it fucking is. Crap in a hat.

Anyway, I was actually going to talk about names (I talked about baby names a while back but this is different) - I was going to talk about names because this afternoon I was thinking about my friend Nigel and how there are some names which just aren't very appealing, like 'Nigel'. And Gavin** and Kevin and Roger and Rodney and Hamish and Colin and Malcolm. I'm sorry to be nameist and shallow, but I cannot imagine myself loving a Rodney. "Hello, family. This is my partner-" (mumbled) "-Rodney." He would have to change his name to something kickass like Pozak, which is a name I made up. An awesome name I made up.

If any of my Names of Doom are your name (not the name of your child, you have no excuse for that) well then I apologise, and I'm sure that, like my friend Nigel*, you transcend its total lack of horn.

*in this context, 'friend' can be read as 'someone I fancy shagging'

**although when I was about 12 I had a munga crush on a floppy-haired, bespectacled Gavin and so for about a month the name took on a roseate glow. Actual text from my diary: "Even the name Gavin seems somehow different." More actual text from my diary: "Thought about Gavin all through Bio today. Was meant to be watching video about seagulls but didn't." Evidently my passion for writing down unimportant things for later reference started early. p.s. If I had a scanner, I could do you a totally legit heart graphic saying "AM + GB 4 EVA" or ten, diary is peppered with them. Oh Great Britain. How I love thee.


Baglady said...

Great Britain loves you too. Not sure about that Gavin Boy, though. I don't think he was especially bothered.

IT IS ALLY said...

No-o, not overly bothered. Neither is bloody Nigel!


IT IS ALLY said...

Unless Gavin Boy secretly loved me all along but was always too afraid to tell me and has ONLY JUST NOW read this post and realised that we should have been together all along. That's completely plausible.

Tess said...

I once went out with a boy called Bruce. Who had breath I can only describe as rotten cauliflower. You know the kind you've had in your fridge far, far too long.
Luckily I was 16 and prudish and he was highly religious so we didn't kiss. He did buy me great birthday presents (Incubus CD, garfield poster, M&Ms - will love him forever for that) but unfortunately the embarrassment of it all (because, really, how many 16-year-old Bruces can there BE in Timaru, everyone knew who he was) was too great. Sorry Bruce. Asian immigrants who choose new names are great. Doris. Maggie. Steric (mixture of Stephen and Eric because he liked both). Always a good time.

Know what I hate? Soy decaf. I'll have a milky coffee without the coffee, and, oh, hold the milk too. All you soy decaf drinkers, baristas worldwide laugh at you and your insubstantial coffees.

Also (on a roll now) people who high five then do something afterwards. Like I should know what they're about to do. Ends up making me look like an idiot when they're doing the idiotic thing in the first place. Mark, I am talking about your high five scuba dive. It's not cool. And I don't like it.

Met a girl in America once who said "Shut the front door" in an incredulous way whenever she didn't believe something. Got me every time. Thought she was gonna swear, but then she didn't. But she kinda had. I loved it.

Pozak said...

U weesh 2 no me bedder?

IT IS ALLY said...

Tess - High five scuba dive? What the hell, Mark.
When I was a barista I always sneered at soy decaf people. HOW ABOUT A CUP OF HOT MILK SIR?

Steric is a really good name.

p.s. thank you for commenting! it has enriched my blog greatly. Please try to keep your comments less entertaining than the actual post, though. House rule.


IT IS ALLY said...


Jenny said...

I told Lucy you made fun of Rodney and Gavin and she is disowning you.

Helga! said...

Ugh,and Alan,I went out with an Alan when I was 13.(1 date,no snogs nor fingering)And TREVOR-that is THE ultimate name of DOOM as far as I am concerned.O CRAP and,being from Sydney,I went out with boys named(dammit,the memories come flooding back like some kind of seaweed that grabs your ankles and drags you down into the depths where the octopus with 9 arms waits)Fernando,Duilio and Angelo.O FUCK I am doomed..........kerist there are some shocking names out there.
I feel a little tense now.
hahhaa,Tess,at work we had a Fanny Tung and a Fanny Chew.I KID YOU NOT.

otherworldlyone said...

Seems that all the real fuckers are named Trevor or Chris. Here.

That's my story.

Also: I find it hard to believe that Nigel is not overly bothered with a lady such as yourself. Have you tried blowing in his ear?

Tooting Squared said...

I was talking to my colleagues just today about how some names can only belong to a certain age. Like, there's no 20 year old Margarets. Or Clives. Or Trevors. Or Nigels. All of these people are 50+. True Fact.

But then, I once went out with a bloke called Cedric. True Fact. So what would I know?

a cat of impossible colour said...

Other Names of Doom:


IT IS ALLY said...

Jenny - If she defends Rodney and Gavin then it is I who disowns her!

Helga - Trevor! I forgot about Trevor! Bloody bloody horrid name. I used to date an Alan who had the moral fibre of 1-ply bogroll.

ow1 - Have not gotten that close to the ear of Nigel. Will make it my mission for the week. I've never had problems with a Chris - I find the wankers are Daves.

Tooting - Yes! Generational names are weird. My mother is called Sue, and every time she meets another Sue she says, "You must be about 55." And they ALWAYS are. Nigel is early 30s - evidently some kind of throwback.

Andrea - and Bertha!

chris.dadness said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
chris.dadness said... gives you the top names for each decade (in Victoria anyway). Eg thirties boys' top ten: John | William | Robert | Ronald | Brian | James | Kevin | Peter | Kenneth | Donald. Last decade's no 1. is Jack.

I know a couple whose baby kids are Lynette and Jeffrey and that is so hard for me to get my head around.