Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Thanks for nothing, Colgate

A Burst of Wieners would be a great collective noun, or name for an experimental art collective.

Today I got told that if I have an accident in the company car no-one will be angry, as long as I fill out a claim form! Also I got told that I will have a company card to use responsibly in client-related situations! But I totally pretended that wasn't exciting because of being a professional. Now I am eating gherkins gerkins pickles out of the jar. Yum yum yum this is totally the best day this week so far.

You know what is not good, though? Those single-serve toothbrushes.

WE'RE SUPER GROSS

I 'discovered' these when I was in Melbourne and got over-excited and bought, like, TEN of them because oh wow, single serve toothbrush no water required oh WOW OH GOD I MUST OWN A RIDICULOUS NUMBER OF THESE and then last night I was trying to impress Zach by telling him all about my amazing toothbrush purchase and he said I was crazy and that they were terrible and I really wanted him to be wrong but he wasn't, about the toothbrushes or the crazy. Only crazy people buy that many stupid mini toothbrushes. What was I thinking?

Everyone, don't buy these toothbrushes.* They taste really fucking strange, kind of a super-hyper-mega-artificial mint flavour which is slightly past its use-by date and makes your mouth burn a little. The mint flavour itself calls to mind a spearmint leaf that somebody has sat on.
Functionality is also lacking - it's a completely unsatisfying tooth-brushing experience, like brushing your teeth with a Barbie hairbrush - brush is tiny and you kind of have to do one tooth at a time, but you don't want to take that much time about it because of the odd arse-mint taste. And also there is a hard blob of some kind of frozen (?) toothpaste in the middle of the tiny brush and that is all kinds of wrong.

*(Originally typed as tootbrushes. Don't know what you scrub with those. Train whistles perhaps.)

IN SUMMARY

Teeth: NOT CLEAN
Breath: FRESH BUT I WOULDN'T WANT TO MAKE OUT WITH ME
Overall Feeling: DISAPPOINTED
Other: NOW LEFT WITH TINY TOOTHBRUSH TO THROW OUT CAR WINDOW

I am such a consumer watchdog.*


*I don't really understand what that is.

11 comments:

uglygirl said...

I thought those toothbrushes were only for total sluts. That's what the print ads led me to believe. Therefore, it is a surprise that I am yet to purchase any. Thank you for warning me off.

PS I love gherkins!

uglygirl said...

Oops, I need to clarify that despite my previous comment about being a slut, when I said "I love gherkins", I was referring to the pickled type that come out of a jar (or, when I worked at a fast food crap-factory, from a giant white vat) rather than the fleshy type that comes out of a pair of trousers.

otherworldlyone said...

My mom uses those things. I've never tried one. I prefer to just buy upteenmillion regular toothbrushes and leave them everywhere. People hate it.

Vancouver's Enviro Girl said...

Yes, yes they are disgusting. Especially when you are hungover and wish to remove the fur from your tongue.

chris.dadness said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
chris.dadness said...

Ooh, spooky Word Verification - DENTELIK - trying to clean your teeth by scrubbing them with your tongue, really hard.

As I am colourblind* and have trouble making interior design choices, I always take a consumer swatchdog with me.

*not

Veronica said...

I had been considering trying them out, but you're not the first person to warn against them. Guess I'll be saving my money.

Leslie said...

they have some as well called brush-ups they are even worse.. they look like finger sleeping bags and have a minty ridged side that you are meant to rub on your teeth with you finger... I would say that it might be best to just stick with regular old toothbrushes. well, you know not old as in age but old as in idea.

Helga! said...

Well,you may as well get some amusement out of them,maybe take pics of them up your cats bum,or something equally fun.

IT IS ALLY said...

uglygirl - see, they're not even working in the target market (me. not you. but maybe also you.)

ow1 - but it makes sense! I buy a new one whenever I travel anywhere, and now I have about 5, and there's always one close to hand.

VEG - ewwww. I don't think I'd even consider using one of those hungover.

chris - ahahahaha. I'm so glad other people do the last-minute pre-meeting/date tooth clean. If evolution was onto it we would have bristly tongues. And making out would be gross, or weirdly sexy.

Veronica - Trust me. You really will be saving your money.

Leslie - wow! brush-ups sound revolting. But I would probably buy one just to see.

Helga! - I don't have a cat, but I have a lot of toothbrushes, which you're welcome to if you have a cat.

uglygirl said...

Making out with a brush tongue would be cool!

PS Man-clan: sounds like some sort of sausage fest. Unreal.