Wednesday, May 12, 2010

ELEPHANTÉ

Sadly, yesterday's Devil Pear has slid down the news rankings in favour of a story about police searching for a man who exposed himself while selling lollipops. I bet I can imagine how that sales pitch went.

Anyway, back to boutique elephant news (as if we ever went away): last night I realised that miniature elephants are the future and now that I know this it cannot be unknown.

I was out having drinks with friends, talking to a couple of lovely women I'd just met about those house pigs you can get - the ones that are bred really small to make ideal 'inside pigs' - and how miniature bears would be pretty cool, and then all of a sudden we realised that MINIATURE ELEPHANTS OH WOW. We developed a plan: start about the size of a big dog and work down until we had elephants you can carry about in your purse. I'm going to say that again. Elephants you can carry about in your purse. It defeats the whole purpose of an elephant, but in such an awesome way.

Our team has one person working in advertising (me) , one in IT, and one in fashion, who will be in charge of creating miniature elephant clothing line. What? Of course there will be miniature elephant clothing line. Little woolen hats with holes for ears and so on.

The company will be called ELEPHANTE because people like things that sound French, they think they are posh. And what is posher than an elephant the size of a corgi, wearing a hand-crocheted trunk warmer? (For the colder weather.)

Also, while it is nice to think of miniature elephants as intelligent, clean pets (I am just assuming elephants are clean, we are still in the early research stages), there is totally a beneficial-to-society angle on this and it was the IT girl's suggestion: train guide elephants for the blind. This is possibly the best idea ever had by anyone because not only are elephants smarter than dogs (3rd smartest animal; dogs are only number 5), but they have something dogs don't: TRUNK. Trunk for picking up dropped items, pushing the 'cross' button at traffic lights, and tapping their handler gently on the leg to indicate they are hungry. You're welcome, humanity.

Other things miniature elephants would be good for include:
  • Helping with the housework (I am picturing a tiny elephant scooting across the floor shooting water out of its trunk and vacuuming up dirt (yeah, ok, so that's not how elephants work, whatever))

  • Re-enacting Dumbo scenes at dinner parties (for your friends and their elephants)

  • Showing your friends how cool you are. "Ohhh... yeah, that's nice, but aren't miniature pigs kind of a little last season now?" And then you whip out your elephant. (Not like that. We are not selling lollipops.)

You get home from work and he scampers to the door to greet you!
And also, your carpet is made of grass.

12 comments:

otherworldlyone said...

Hahaha. It's certainly original.

You could put them to work in the garden watering the plants...or spraying neighborhood children when they get too close.

Jess Butler said...

Hi Ally,
I'm a new reader, and I feel that fate has intervened to bring me into your blogworld at exactly the right time. Just last night I was discussing how lovely it would be to have a pet elephant, but alas, also impractical. Now thanks to you, I have hope that my future could indeed include a pint-sized pachyderm. Love the blog!

Amie said...

I can't even start to describe how badly I want a miniature elephant. More even than a teacup pig. Or a fainting goat. Have you seen them? Because they're fucking incredible. But I NEEEED a purse elephant. Now.

jo said...

hilarious. I want one. Oh and by the way I believe your blog has biased undertones, when I went to post this comment the security "type what you see here" word was "welygoer." Are you trying to convert us to Wellingtonism?? I'm watching you!!

Bored@Work said...

When I was a kid there were commercials about house hippos. But they were considered more like vermin, less like pets. I like this elephant business a whole lot better. When you have a litter (are they elephant litters? no idea) I would like to claim one. I shall call him Rupert.

PegasusNZ said...

How do the Elephants feel about all this? It sounds worse than being a circus Elephant! You have shrunk them made them do trivial tasks and used them to entertain friends. Also elephants like to live in herds as a group and they are pretty good at knocking things over, so look out for stampeding Elephants through the house.

Michelle said...

You know, when I first started reading this I thought "What a load of crap. How implausable." But now that I've read the whole post I am totally on board with this! I have this picture stuck in my head of Paris Hilton mincing along on her stilettos with an elephante on a leash, wearing one of those knitted coats with diamantes on it, trotting along at her side.

You're really on to something here, Ally.

wv: dedishas: spongy variety of elephante turd commonly used as a wrist adornment for catwalk models.

ElephantGrrrl said...

There was a pocket elephant in the original Jurassic Park book...as I recall it had a bad temperment and sneezed a lot.

Amy said...

You are not alone in your desire of miniature (or puppy sized) elephants. This author is slightly obsessed with them and one of his fans wrote a song about tiny elephants.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ED5hZ0eT9Zk

Song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZbizVEdL3yA

Josh said...

I have a friend in my biochem class that is utterly convinced that she will one day be able to make tiny little animals

Phil said...

But then everyone will ignore them if they're in the living room :-<

IT IS ALLY said...

ow1 - Guard elephants! Gardening guard elephants!

Jess - Hello and thank you for reading! That's what this blog is about. Making dreams come true every day.

Amie - Fainting goats are so cool! Thank you for bringing those to my attention!

Jo - Yes! Wellington for all! Actually I'm kind of getting over my Wellington obsession :(

Bored@W - One does not 'claim' a miniature elephant. One goes on the waitlist to purchase one.

Pegasus - Did not think about herd behaviour. I guess eventually every apartment block will have an elephant creche where they can all hang out together.

Michelle - I know! The more you think about it the more sense it makes.

ElephantGrrrl - I would be ok with a bad-tempered, sneezing elephant

Amy - damn, I thought I was the first! I love that we used the same stock cute elephant photo though

Josh - Let us hope she is right.

Phil - AHAHAHAHA. Awesome