Anyway, back to boutique elephant news (as if we ever went away): last night I realised that miniature elephants are the future and now that I know this it cannot be unknown.
I was out having drinks with friends, talking to a couple of lovely women I'd just met about those house pigs you can get - the ones that are bred really small to make ideal 'inside pigs' - and how miniature bears would be pretty cool, and then all of a sudden we realised that MINIATURE ELEPHANTS OH WOW. We developed a plan: start about the size of a big dog and work down until we had elephants you can carry about in your purse. I'm going to say that again. Elephants you can carry about in your purse. It defeats the whole purpose of an elephant, but in such an awesome way.
Our team has one person working in advertising (me) , one in IT, and one in fashion, who will be in charge of creating miniature elephant clothing line. What? Of course there will be miniature elephant clothing line. Little woolen hats with holes for ears and so on.
The company will be called ELEPHANTE because people like things that sound French, they think they are posh. And what is posher than an elephant the size of a corgi, wearing a hand-crocheted trunk warmer? (For the colder weather.)
Also, while it is nice to think of miniature elephants as intelligent, clean pets (I am just assuming elephants are clean, we are still in the early research stages), there is totally a beneficial-to-society angle on this and it was the IT girl's suggestion: train guide elephants for the blind. This is possibly the best idea ever had by anyone because not only are elephants smarter than dogs (3rd smartest animal; dogs are only number 5), but they have something dogs don't: TRUNK. Trunk for picking up dropped items, pushing the 'cross' button at traffic lights, and tapping their handler gently on the leg to indicate they are hungry. You're welcome, humanity.
Other things miniature elephants would be good for include:
- Helping with the housework (I am picturing a tiny elephant scooting across the floor shooting water out of its trunk and vacuuming up dirt (yeah, ok, so that's not how elephants work, whatever))
- Re-enacting Dumbo scenes at dinner parties (for your friends and their elephants)
- Showing your friends how cool you are. "Ohhh... yeah, that's nice, but aren't miniature pigs kind of a little last season now?" And then you whip out your elephant. (Not like that. We are not selling lollipops.)
And also, your carpet is made of grass.